Carry On Sergeant Page #2

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- ls that remark addressed to me?

- Stand to attention when I'm talking!

- Why?

Why? Do as you're told, you're in the army, son!

Oh, not quite. I'm still a civilian.

With civilian rights.

Don't shout, please.

What is your name?

Please.

Bailey. James Bailey.

- How do you do?

- Fine. Absolutely bloody fine.

But I'lI feel even better once you're in uniform.

Thank you, Sergeant.

All right, carry on, Corporal.

As you were.

(Door closes)

- The Sergeant doesn't seem to like us.

l wonder why.

l dunno. Why does it happen to me?

lsn't there any justice?

You don't want to worry, Sergeant.

lt'll be all right.

lt'll be what? You were there. You saw them.

Out of 24 men,

I'm lumbered with one hypochondriac,

one natural-born candidate for the glasshouse,

a rock 'n' roller, a shadow of a man

haunted by Lord knows what,

and a popsy-chasing layabout,

and some idiot who gets himseIf locked in...

well, you know where.

Yes, but l mean, look...

Any one of those clots

could sabotage the squad!

But I've got 'em all! About turn.

We're 24 per cent non-effective before we start!

How in the name of Aldershot can it work out?

Well, it's got to. Your reputation depends on it.

My reputation, my foot!

What about my 50 quid riding on that lot, eh?

No, that's true. Oh, well.

There's only one thing for it.

Chase the living daylights out of them.

Oh, no, no, no. That's no good. That'd be fatal.

HaIf the mob in the guardroom's no good to me.

- Yes, but Sergeant...

- Will you have hush!

No, Copping, we've got to be...subtle.

Subtle.

We must be kind. Considerate.

- Kind?

- Yes.

These are delicate blooms, Copping.

- Are they?

- Yes.

(Whistles)

Hello. You must be the new lot.

- Greetings, cat.

- Cat?

No, my name's not Cat.

- Are you in our platoon?

- No, not Cat.

Brown. Herbert Brown.

- What did you say?

- Are you in our platoon?

No. l just live here.

Yeah, I think I can understand him.

You er...received a severe blow on the head

as a child, didn't you?

No, that was my brother.

Horace, old man,

can't you forget psychiatry for one minute?

I was only trying to help him.

Oh, I don't need any help, thanks.

Well, ta-ra, fellas.

See you at the NAAFl perhaps.

- Hello, corp.

- Don't get lost.

- 'Ere, Corporal. Who was that soldier?

- Ta.

- That was no soldier, that was Herbert.

- l give up.

Don't worry, so did the army.

- Here we are, chaps. Help yourselves.

- Thank you.

- l wonder where Charlie's got to.

- With his wife, of course. Love will find a way.

Look here, mate. You don't really think

that that woman's on this camp, do you?

- I tell you, it's just...

- An hallucination. We know.

(Laughter)

- All right, all right. You can laugh.

l should never have let him go.

He's probably cutting his throat now.

Bleeding to death in the ablutions.

I hope not.

I have to sluice them out every morning.

l clean up everywhere in the camp.

That's my job.

- Are you a regular?

- No. National Service.

'Ere, what about your training?

Don't do it any more.

Haven't done it for... for months.

I want to try again.

Again? How many courses

have you been through?

Three. I think.

But now l...

Look.

There's my "excused webbing" chit.

My "excused marching" chit.

"Excused handling of firearms" chit.

- Chit for...

- Blimey! You're just an heap of chits!

Well, go on, say it.

I'm crackers.

- No luck?

- Does it look as if I've had any luck?

This place is vast.

I've tramped over every inch of it

and not so much as a lock of her hair.

Well, go on, say it. I'm crackers.

(Sighs) lt was all my imagination.

Oh, well, now,

this is a great step forward, Charlie boy.

You see, now that you realise

there's something wrong with you,

well, there's a chance of a cure.

Yes, now, you are a er...

uxoriamaniac,

obsessed with the idea of marriage.

Wouldn't you be,

if you were married this morning?

Oh, shut up, please!

- Who's this?

GOLlGHTLY:
That's Herbert.

- Hello, Herbert.

- Hi.

- Let's get drunk.

- Dangerous. Dangerous!

Cor! Drinking on top of an obsession!

Why don't you shut up?

It's her! It's Mary!

He's off again. Stop him.

- Charlie!

- Mary!

Oh, Charlie!

Don't worry, miss.

I'll take care of him. Very sad case.

- He's... very, very unbalanced.

- Don't you talk that way about my husband!

Husband?

Good night, Horace.

Anything I can do for you, soldier?

CHARLlE:

Darling, how on earth did you get here?

Never mind how l got here. I'm here.

And tonight's our wedding night.

You don't mean...

Darling, you don't think l came here

just to become a NAAFl girl.

Well, no, but... but how? Where?

l mean, there's over a dozen blokes in my hut.

- Nora. She's arranged everything.

- Ooh!

Who's Nora?

- What's the matter?

- I'm in love.

- Congratulations.

- Must be the aura created by your happiness.

After three years wearing out my eyeballs

looking at each lot of new recruits that comes in,

at last I've found him.

- We're very happy for you.

- lt was that chap that was with you.

Horace?

H... Oh.

Oh, time stands still when I say that name.

Not for Charlie and me it doesn't.

Eh? Oh!

Oh, yes, of course. Now listen.

It's all arranged.

There's a spare room,

but you've got to be ever so careful...

- Darling.

- (Snores)

Don't pretend you're asleep.

Darling. Oh, darling, don't tease.

Wouldn't you rather have the light on,

Charlie, darling?

(Door closes)

(Chuckles) Bashful.

Mary! Darling!

- Right. Now, then, what's wrong with you?

- It's my floating kneecap.

Take off your trousers.

- Efficient.

- We do our best.

- You can go in when you hear the bell.

- Righto.

- What's wrong with you?

- Fell on my elbow. I don't think it's broken.

Take off your tunic, roll up your sleeves.

(Bell rings)

I'll clean that up.

(Screams)

Oh! (Screams)

What's the matter?

Why didn't you warn me?

Corporal! What's the matter with this man?

l-I'm sorry, Captain Clark.

Oh, the shock. Oh, my heart. My heart, my heart.

Hurry up, man! Hurry up!

I want to change my doctor.

This isn't the National Health Service.

Either you see Captain Clark

or you don't report sick at all. It's up to you.

Left... Left wheel!

Squad halt!

Halt!

So sorry. I was miles away.

You know how it is sometimes.

Come back here,

you stupid, sleepwalking son of a...

Delicate blooms.

Private Golightly, now you really must try

and concentrate from now on. Right?

Oh, yes. I'll try.

Thank you.

All right, go in there and get your kit!

Dis...missed!

Uh-uh. Concentrate.

- Give this to the Corporal on your way out.

- Oh, thank you, ma'am.

You've come to the right place. Just in time.

- For physiotherapy?

- For physical jerks.

Get on with training.

There's nothing wrong with your knee.

But, ma'am! I can feel it floating!

Let me know when you feel it sinking.

..one. Beret, one.

Towels - one.

Dressing, field - one.

Drawers, cellular. Pairs, three.

Knives, clasp, one.

Got everything? Sign there.

Drawers, cellular. Pairs, three.

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