Carry On Sergeant Page #3

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- I say, really! Does one have to?

- Yes, one does.

Next!

- Knives, clasp - one.

- Ooh, thank you.

I say, look.

A knife for getting things out of a horse's foot.

I've always wanted one of these. Argh!

Field dressing, one.

- Size of head?

- I haven't the faintest idea. l never wear a hat.

- Big.

- Charming.

Next!

- One housewife.

- Housewife?

Oh, Mary.

That's the lot, boys. Tea break!

- What do you want?

- I want my kit, Sergeant.

- Why are you late?

- Well, I had to report sick.

- You fit now?

- The Doctor says I am.

She'd better be right.

- Why?

- Take a deep breath.

You're about to become the fastest

kitted-out soldier in the British Army. Hey, boys!

One recruit coming up! Full kit, on the double!

Before you go to tea!

OK, boys?

Right, let's go!

Cor!

- Hey, mate.

- Hm?

- Do me a favour, please.

- What's that?

Point me in the direction of my barrack room.

Ta. Right.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, right wheel!

What's the matter with you?

Get into line up there, will you?

Platoon...

..halt!

Stand still! What's the matter with that man?

Moving about?

What do you think it is, a dance floor?

Platoon, left...turn!

All present and correct, Sergeant.

Platoon, stand at ease!

Stand easy.

Now you're about to meet

your Company Commander, Captain Potts.

Some men live for drink,

and some for women.

Quite frankly,

I don't know why some men bother to live at all.

There's no doubt, however,

why Captain Potts lives.

It's for efficiency.

He's known throughout the command

as Potts the Perfect. The Perfect Potts.

(Laughter)

- All right, that's enough, that's enough.

Now you lads are in uniform for the first time.

And I think you'll all agree with me

that you don't yet look like soldiers.

- lt would be stupid of me to expect that.

- lt would that. He's very fair.

That man there!

Private Golightly,

someone should have told you.

You're not to talk when you're on parade.

It's not the custom. So don't do it. Understand?

- Oh, yes, l understand.

- Right.

- Now, where was l? What was I saying?

- How stupid you are.

Stop talking on parade!

Or I'll carve the Queen's Regulations

all over your scalp!

Didn't you hear what l just told you,

Golightly?

Right.

Now, it would be nice

when Captain Potts arrives

if you could stand at ease and attention properly.

Show him what you can do. Be efficient.

So we'll try it once or twice, shall we?

Corporal!

Demonstrate.

Now pay attention, all of you.

Stand at ease!

Attention!

Oh, good! Very good.

All right, Corporal.

Now, let's see what you can do.

Platoon, brace yourselves, brace yourselves.

Platoon, attention!

Private Golightly,

don't go quite so lightly next time.

(Laughs) Very good!

Joke's over! Joke's over!

Platoon, stand at ease!

Attention!

Get up, you clumsy, quarter-witted,

haIf-baked mooncaIf!

One more hammer-toed move like that

and I'll...

Er...50 quid.

Delicate blooms.

All right, now. Here comes Captain Potts.

Do your best, lads.

Company, at ease.

Platoon, attention!

Well, all of you are haIf asleep!

Like a lot of flamingos.

Not haIf as clever.

Flamingos go to sleep on one leg.

You lot are all asleep on two!

- How many legs does a flamingo sleep on?

- Erm...

- Slow, slow.

- Quick, quick, slow.

(Laughter)

- Silence!

Alert mind plus responsive body

equals efficient soldier.

- Who are you?

- Galloway, sir.

Useless answer.

Two factors omitted - number and rank.

A soldier without a number and rank

is like a man without a soul.

- Who are you?

- 4277309, Private Galloway, sir.

- What, no Christian name? Are you heathen?

- Andy. A.

Slow. Watch this man, Sergeant. Slow-witted.

Stand up. 'Shun.

At ease. 'Shun. At ease. 'Shun. At ease. 'Shun.

Still in dreamland.

- Do you dream?

- Yes, sir.

- What about?

- Blood.

- Whose?

- Mine.

Timorous spirit of aggression needs rousing.

You should dream of the enemy's blood.

Close your eyes.

- What comes into your head?

- Blood.

- Whose?

- Yours. Er... M-m-mine! Mine, sir.

- The emeny's...

- Be decisive!

Try sleeping on your stomach. Proper rest

plus exercise equals integrated instincts.

- Who are you?

- 427731 2, Private Sage, C, sir.

- Now say it backwards.

- Er... Er...

- Come on, come on, come on!

- 3-1-2... Er...7-3...3-7...

If you can't think backwards,

how can you think the proper way?

Watch this man.

Rigid mental processes achieve flexibility.

Flexibility plus discipline equals initiative.

lt does, sir? l mean, it does, sir.

lt does, yes.

- You.

- Yes?

- What? Who are you?

- James Bailey. BSc, Economics.

- Your number!

- lt was given to me. l earned my degree.

- Your rank!

- Well, that's a matter of opinion.

- Look at this, man!

- You've nothing to complain of.

Look at the suit they've given me! Look at this.

Plumped on my head,

without even the pretence of fitting.

As a good soldier,

l accepted it without complaint.

As a good officer, what do you think?

Well, pride in appearance plus confidence

in one's superior equals good start.

- Fall out. Get yourseIf a new hat.

- Excuse me.

What?

-Well? Who are you?

- 4277298, Private Heywood, M, sir.

- Heywood? Ever heard of General Heywood?

- My father, sir.

- Really? Rear Admiral Heywood?

- My grandfather, sir.

- Air Commodore Heywood.

- My uncle, sir.

- Quick test. What first comes into your head?

- Women, sir.

A soldier, by tradition and instinct.

Watch this man.

Right, left, right.

Atten...tion!

Platoon, right...turn!

CORPORAL COPPInG:

I want you to go in there

and stand by your beds

for a hut and a kit inspection!

Platoon, dis...missed!

Well, here we are, chaps.

Here's how we lay out our kit.

One diagram among 24 people?

Not very helpful.

'Allo, Jim! Are you joining us?

I thought you'd be in the cooler by now,

all nice and individualistic.

I changed my mind.

Sociologically, it's important for me to find out

just how far one can retain

one's individuality in the army.

- And biologically, it's important l get my leave.

(Laughter)

Oh, please, let's make this inspection good.

If anything goes wrong,

my leave might go up the spout as well.

(Laughter)

- Poor old Charlie.

(Clatter)

- Watch yourseIf, you big, clumsy ox.

Cut the bull, Charlie. lmagine you being worried

about keeping a bed tidy!

Get out of it.

Here you are, Horace, you'd better check yours.

Properly.

Let's see. Now for the hut.

Tables, deal - two.

Yeah.

- (Sighs) Here you are, you can have this.

- Oh, ta.

Would you like me to give you a hand?

I seem to have more kit than anyone else.

Pete, why don't you go and help Charlie?

OK, Miles. Thank you.

Extinguishers, fire - two.

Extinguishers, fire - two.

Peter...

- There's no fire extinguishers.

- Perhaps this place is fireproof.

Yeah, but it's not Potts-proof.

Extinguishers, fire - two, it says,

and extinguishers, fire - two, he'lI want to see.

I'm not taking any chances.

Come on, we're gonna borrow a couple.

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