Carry On Sergeant Page #4

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Oh, bear up, dear.

Perhaps he's had his interview for leave by now

and you'll be off together in no time.

Better late than never.

Oh, l shouldn't go on like this.

At least I'm married.

- While you...

- Oh, I'm suffering the pangs of first love.

Painful, but...oh, it's exquisite.

Don't worry about me, dear. Or Charlie.

Oh! There he is, look!

Oh, Mary! Oh, I'm so relieved to see you!

- ls everything all right, darling?

- No.

- No fire extinguishers.

- Fire extinguishers?

Everything depends on them.

I'm only borrowing them. l... You see...

Goodbye.

Ta-ta.

Heywood. We must concentrate on Heywood.

I wasn't wrong.

He's got officer written all over him.

Yes. If we can get him recommended

for Officer Cadet, we're home and dry.

And it'll help towards Champion Platoon rating

and maybe...

- Carry on, Sergeant.

- Very good, sir.

Stand by your beds!

- Sergeant?

- Sir.

(Shouting)

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!

Left, right! Left, right!

Party, halt!

Private Sage, sir.

- Ah, Sage.

- Sir.

Application for leave on your first day, man?

Why?

Compassionate reasons, sir.

- You see, my girl...

- You want leave to get married, do you?

Oh, no, sir. No, sir.

It's just that I want to...arrange things.

Oh...

You dirty rotter.

Oh, no, sir. Please, sir. You don't understand.

l understand perfectly.

Respectable girl plus sex-mad youth

multiplied by a charabanc outing

equals three lives ruined. See the chaplain.

Oh, but I've already seen the chaplain, sir.

- ls this true, Sergeant?

- No, sir. Not to my knowledge, sir.

You'd better watch yourseIf, Sage.

Lying won't help.

- I'm not lying, sir.

- Then why say you'd seen the chaplain?

Well, I have seen the chaplain, sir.

N-Not this chaplain, sir.

Oh! Oh, army chaplain not good enough, eh?

Oh, no, sir. Please listen, sir.

Well, come on, then! Sharp! Sharp!

- I'm already married, sir.

- Oh, and stringing along another girl!

No. No, sir. I am married, sir, but...

I'm not married, sir, if you know what l mean.

I don't know.

How can you be married and not married? Eh?

It's easy, sir,

when you got called up on your wedding day.

Oh, well...

Yes, well, I think I'm in the picture now, Sage.

Manoeuvres cancelled, what?

l should have applied for a deferment, sir,

but it got all mixed up and...

Oh, please, sir. If l could just have a few hours'

er...days' leave, sir. Oh, please, sir.

Well, I think in the circumstances, Sergeant,

seven days' leave.

- Any questions?

- Now, sir?

- No, no, no, no. Carry on, Sergeant.

- Very good, sir.

Party, left turn!

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.

(Mouths)

Get them up. Come on, come on!

Faster than that!

Up, up, up!

All right, stop!

All right, now listen.

When I say move, go through those beams

and round behind the inner semicircle.

Move!

COPPInG:
All right now, move! Quick!

First four up the ropes. First four up the ropes.

Quick, quick, quick! Up you go.

That's it. Come on, get up there.

Corporal, have l got to go all the way up there?

- What's the matter with you? Sick?

- What, me?

- Come on, get up.

- All right. Ooh!

- What are you doing?

- Ooh! The strain!

Get off!

(Weakly) Corporal. Corporal!

Corporal!

Oh, no!

- No hope.

- Not today.

You're all right.

But...Doctor! I can feel a definite thump.

- Regularly? A boom-boom-boom?

- Boom-boom-boom. That's it!

Yes.

Strong, that's your heart beating normally.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Lovely day.

- Passable kind of day, l suppose.

If you haven't got great spots

in front of your eyes.

Oh, never mind.

I'm sure it won't interfere with your reading

your letters when the post comes.

- Letters? Post? Me?

- Why not?

Don't tell me that you haven't got a girIfriend

or um...a wife?

Me?

You haven't?

Oh, good!

Er...

From a honeymoon back to this.

Must be terrible.

We'lI have a whip-round,

buy him a hot-water bottle.

I say, he does look pale.

Wouldn't you? Thinking of

nine more weeks without your little wifey?

How was it, Charlie boy?

Well, if you really want to know...

We spent a good deal of time

in labour exchanges,

fixing Mary up with a proper temporary job

in the NAAFl here for the next nine weeks.

Anyone for bayonet practice?

Right, now! Think of all the things you love!

Freedom. The day of your release.

The Cup Final.

Me. Anything you like.

This evil monster stands between you and it.

He'll kill you rather than see you get it.

So you have to kill him. You have no choice.

Corporal.

(Yells ferociously)

Argh! Argh! Argh!

- Right, you're away. That's it.

- All right, now. One at a time.

Remember you're soldiers,

fighting for everything you love.

Fuelled with noble savagery.

All right, let's have ya!

En garde!

- Charge!

- Oh, dear.

On your feet!

- Catch!

- (Whimpers)

Right, next!

En garde! Charge!

(Screams)

Get back in line, will you? Not that way.

Round the back of the dummy.

All right, next!

En garde! Charge!

Argh! Argh!

Pick it up.

En garde! Charge!

(Screams ferociously)

(Screaming continues)

- Next!

En garde! Charge!

Don't you think this is a trifle out of date

in a world bristling with H-bombs, Sergeant?

Shut up!

Now, then. You beast! Pest! Commoner!

Have at you, varlet!

Hand back that Cup Final ticket!

Private Bailey, in answer to your question,

I'd back him against the H-bomb any day.

You beast! Peasant! Commoner!

Don't just stand there. Help me get him out.

Take that! And that!

- Let go, this is my turn.

- Let go! Do you want to kill someone?

Now this is nice and slow,

so even you lot can manage.

All right, Corporal. Demonstrate.

Now pay attention.

Slow...march!

All right, Corporal.

Now this is used on funerals.

Work at it.

If you're very lucky, you'll be doing it at mine!

(Laughter)

- You there!

Now let's try it, shall we?

Platoon!

Platoon, to atten...tion!

Left turn!

Slow...march!

Left...right.

Left...right.

- Left...

- Ooh!

- You kicked me!

- l didn't mean it. lt was your fault!

Halt!

Blind, lame, that's what you are! All of you!

Now stand still!

Now, as you were. Right, dress off.

At the double!

You misbegotten misfits!

What do you think this is?

What do you think I'm made of? lron?

l ought to bung the lot of you in the guardroom.

For persistent, unrelenting, blundering,

malicious stupidity!

I'll paralyse the lot of you!

Look at you! Standing as if you're pregnant!

lt wouldn't surprise me,

the way I'm mucked about.

- Shut up!

- Sergeant.

All right. Let's try it again, shall we?

Platoon! Platoon, attention!

All right, pay attention.

This morning, we're going on with lesson one

on the light machine gun

commonly known as the Bren.

Now, during this period,

I'm gonna show you how to strip it...

..and assemble it.

Right, now for normal stripping,

we divide the gun into four major parts.

Number one...

What's the matter with you, soldier?

Smell of the oil.

I've got an allergy to it.

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