Carry On Sergeant Page #5

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- Well, I've heard of some dodges in my time...

- Er...excuse me.

What's your trouble?

Well, just a suggestion.

Why doesn't Private Strong

change places with me?

Are you taking the mickey?

Well, let's see, shall we?

Private Strong is affected by the odour of oil,

I am not.

l make a suggestion

intended to help him and you.

ls that taking the mickey...

..Sergeant?

- Does it really turn you up, son?

- Something rotten.

Yeah.

What are you sitting down there for?

Change places with the man at the back!

Now, then. Number one.

Remove the piston group

and place it on the right-hand side of the gun.

Right. Number two.

The barrel group.

Lift up the barrel-locking nut as high as it'll go.

Take up the carrying handle,

and ease the barrel forward until it is clear.

And place it on the right-hand side

of the piston group.

Number three. The butt.

Lift up the gun gently,

and pull the butt back away from the body,

and lay it on the right-hand side

of the barrel group.

Right, number four.

To remove the last two groups,

grip the bipod in the left hand,

and turn the body of the gun towards you,

and it'll come apart.

Place the body of the gun

on the right-hand side of the butt group,

and the bipod

on the right-hand side of the body.

There you are. You now have your gun

stripped down into its four major groups.

Now are there any...

Hey, you at the back! Hey, you!

S-s-sir. Sergeant!

- What are you gawping out the window for?

- I was listening, Sergeant.

Then you'll know all about it, won't you?

Up on your feet!

Come here.

- So you know all about the Bren gun, eh?

- Yes, Sergeant.

There it is. Look at it.

- I've stripped it down for you, haven't l?

- Yes, Sergeant.

Well, put it together again!

Sergeant.

Shut up, all of you!

Well...

looks as though you was listening, after all.

- I wasn't listening.

- Eh?

l used to work in the factory

where they make these things.

- Good evening.

- Evening.

Good evening, Mrs Sage.

If you say that again, I'll give you a thick ear!

- No-one's supposed to know.

- Oh. I'm sorry.

I'd like a bar of chocolate, please, miss.

I say! She didn't ask for the money.

Fourpence.

- Well?

- You see?

I can't keep my hand closed.

Every time l shut it, it flies open.

- Because you want it to open.

- No, I don't!

Look, this is a terrible affliction.

A hand with a will of its own!

It's... It's psychosomatic.

Or maybe it's because tendons are like elastic.

Nonsense!

(Whimpers) Oh! Look, this one's starting now!

Open your hands.

Listen to me, Strong!

- This is frightening!

- There's nothing wrong with your hands!

- I want an X-ray!

- Dismissed!

You've got no feeling for the sick!

I remind you I am an officer!

And I remind you that I'm a sick man!

- Dismissed.

(Rings bell)

See you tomorrow.

- Fire!

(Gunshots)

- Number two gun! Fire!

(Gunshots)

Number three gun! Fire!

Detail, unload!

Two short of target and one outer?

That's bad. Wasteful.

This squad plus ammunition

equals increased army estimates.

- Number one gun clear, sir.

- Number two gun clear, sir.

- Number three gun clear, sir.

- Carry on, Sergeant.

Detail, change!

Number one gun, load!

I said number one gun, load! Get down.

But the ground's damp, Sergeant.

l suffer from recurrent rheumatism.

You'll suffer from life imprisonment if you don't

get down! Now get down there and load!

Number two gun, load!

Raise your back sight, man.

He said your back sight.

Number three gun, load!

Excuse me!

So sorry. I'm all thumbs today.

(Groans) Champion Platoon.

Carry on, Corporal.

All right. Now just like that. One at a time.

No delays. Let's have you.

- Thank you, Sergeant.

- Get back in line!

Right, next!

All right, next one!

Next!

Jump, man, jump!

Jump, man, jump!

ALL:
Come on, jump!

- It's all right for you! You haven't had a go yet!

- My bones are weak.

- Jump!

(Yelps)

Let go! Let go!

(Whimpers)

Let go!

Nora would have loved to have been

on that rope with Horace.

Short of being trapped together,

she'll never get with him.

He even avoids going into the NAAFl now.

Oh, Charlie.

l do wish we could do something for Nora.

She's so terribly unhappy.

Darling, I'd like to help,

but if he won't even talk to her...

He could be...what did you say, trapped?

Did I say that?

What are you going to trap him with, a net?

- A rope.

- Oh, now wait a minute, darling.

- We mustn't interfere.

- Ssh, darling. I'm thinking.

- You haven't finished the bread yet.

- Oh, never mind about that.

But you've got an important message to deliver.

From Sergeant Grimshawe.

I was told to r-report here f-for fatigues.

Oh.

Well, come on in, then.

You can help with these, if you like.

Jim, what's that word?

Obtuse.

- What's it mean?

- Unteachable.

Oh.

That's me.

I wish I was like you. You're clever.

Knowledge in a nutshell, it says.

But I can't get it into my nut.

Jim...I've been meaning to ask you for weeks.

- What's the secret?

- What secret?

How to learn.

There's no secret, you... you just learn.

I don't.

I've been in three squads

and I don't seem to learn nothing.

Take the rifle, for instance.

Sergeant RusselI says

with one of these things in my mitt,

I'm a danger to everyone except the enemy.

- Then he's an idiot.

- No, I'm the idiot.

Sergeant RusselI said I was.

So did Sergeant O'Brien.

Do you mean to tell me that neither of them

could show you a simple thing

like the workings of a rifle?

Oh, they showed me.

So did Sergeant Grimshawe.

But I was always at the back,

and they don't haIf talk fast.

Now, look. There's nothing to it.

For a start, this is the safety catch.

Now, nothing can go wrong once it's this way.

Oh!

That way.

- What are you on fatigues for?

- Cos l wouldn't let go of a rope.

- You don't talk much, do you?

- What's there to talk about?

- Oh...life.

- Life.

Huh! Infection.

Decay...and death, that's life.

- What's your name?

- What's it to you?

I'm just an anonymous blob of khaki, that's all.

I'm just a...

No, you're not. l know your name anyway.

- How?

- l made it my business to find out.

Why?

Can't you guess?

There. That's it.

- Looks easy enough.

- lt is.

Actually, it's quite well designed.

Let me have a go.

- Like that, Jim?

- That's it.

Cor!

I've been trying to tell you

ever since l first saw you.

- (Yelps) You're on my toe.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- But you're in my heart. Here.

- Don't! You'll do yourseIf an injury!

Oh, what does it matter? If you don't respond

to me, l might as well be dead!

Oh, Horace, I'm a woman.

Violent and passionate and I'm yours!

- Let's got on with the fatigues.

- There aren't any. lt was a trick.

- A trick?

- Oh, I was desperate to be alone with you.

The message from the Sergeant -

it was from me.

What? Charlie!

Charlie, you rotten sw...

Oh, Horace! Oh, l do love you!

What? I'll murder him. l will.

I'll breathe germs on him.

Why are you so frightened of love, Horace?

Let me get out.

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