Carry on Up the Jungle Page #6

There, then. Daddy-wadsy will have to give

Mumsy-wumsy a smacksie-wacksie, won't he?

Yes, he will, then. Round the chopsy-wopsies.

Ooh, sh! Don't make a sound.

I've just seen a whopper!

You stay there and be a good diddums.

And Dadsy-wadsy will bag it.

Ooh, I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't know you were there.

Oh, you weren't there.

Never mind, keep on trying.

And the next time I knew,

there was 100 of them around me.

- And I was in it up to here.

- In what?

- In the stew pot.

- And Baby?

- No, just me and a few turnips.

- I mean, what happened to Baby?

I don't really know. You see, these dear ladies

rescued me just as I was coming to the boil.

- And then they brought me here.

- But that was over 20 years ago.

- Haven't you even tried to find the little chap?

- I have been busy.

- And I know what doing. King of lovers, eh?

- Purely an arbitrary title.

- Master of women.

- A hereditary title.

- Father of countless.

- It goes with the job.

Well, you can add another one.

Stinker of stinkers!

I say! Have I offended you about something?

It might interest you to know that

while you have been wallowing in sin here,

I have seen our baby boy.

- Really?

- Only yesterday.

Well, I never!

I hope you remembered to change his nappies...

He's a fully-grown man now, you fool!

Now he's gone again.

I don't know where he is... or what he's doing.

Weed.

Seed.

Feed.

Led.

- Bed.

- No, no, no.

Bead.

Bed.

Oh, dear. Here we go again.

Look, please, will you stop it? Will you stop it?

Look, I'm old enough to undress myself.

Now, get away!

Now, get away from me! Now, get away!

Please! Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear!

Hello. Are you having a bit of trouble?

Yes, I am. Come on, please,

whatever your name is. Tonka!

Tell these women to stop taking my clothes off.

- They're your attendants.

- I'm not having young women like this

undressing and dressing me.

I don't think they even know

where everything goes.

You want to bet?

- What's he beefing for? I enjoyed it.

- Yes, and it showed.

All right, girls, off you go. Come, come.

Overzealous.

Now, you'll have to get your mating robe on,

because there is a ceremony this evening.

Straight to work, eh?

There's nothing like a good honest

night's work, is there?

Er, tell me, please, this mating ceremony,

what's it like, eh?

Well, it's like a marriage, really,

to the mate who's been selected for you.

Marriage?

You mean we get lumbered

with just one woman?

That's right. Until tomorrow.

Then you get an automatic divorce

and marry another one.

- Another one?

- That's right.

Then the following day, another,

and so on and so on.

Yes. Well, after two weeks of that,

it'll need sewing on!

Oh, it's great fun once you get used to it.

Er, but... Excuse me, sir,

I don't want you to think

that I'm complaining at all.

I've always been

a pretty active sort of chap, you know.

And what I'm getting at is, I don't think

I'm active enough to get married every day.

Oh, not every day!

Dear me, no!

Well, that's all right, then.

You get every other Sunday off.

Oh, er... by the way,

you won't try to escape, will you?

These women can get very nasty.

Escape? You must be joking.

Good luck. I'll see you at the ceremony.

And what is so amusing?

I'm thinking of that idiot jungle boy trying to

rescue us. He doesn't know what he's missing.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

- Sex.

- I wonder if we'll ever get to seven.

I've decided there are going to be

some changes made around here.

Oh, but, my dear,

I do change them, very frequently.

Yes, we know all about that.

But from now on, father of countless,

you are going to be husband of one.

Oh.

But I thought I ought to take part

in just one more ceremony,

to show the three new chaps just what to do.

From my experience, they already know.

Ah, yes, but it is a very difficult

and complicated ritual.

Not when I knew you, it wasn't.

Now, get on with it, but leave yourself out.

Tonka! Tonka! Stick it up your honker!

Behold the symbol of perpetuity.

By gad, sir! It's the oozulum bird!

Yes!

And a male specimen to boot.

Ooh, I can clearly see its oozle.

Quiet, please. And face the mating booths.

It is written that man is the fountain of life.

Man is the fountain of life!

Without him, women are as dried-up gardens.

Women are as dried-up gardens!

They can use my sprinkler any time.

You will be serious, please.

- Take it.

- What for?

It is the symbol of marriage.

I might have guessed.

Oh, yes? And what is this?

The symbol of fruitfulness.

Ask a silly question!

Yes.

Who on earth thought up this ceremony?

- I did, as a matter of fact.

- I might have known.

Make your responses after me, please.

William Boosey,

Inigo Tinkle and Claude Chumley,

are you ready to assume

the duties of a husband?

- We are ready.

- You'll perform them to the best of your ability?

We will.

I now pronounce you ready and willing.

Behold your mates.

- Blimey! Who chose that lot?

- Our new queen,

Evelyn.

They're all yours.

- Hang on, hang on!

- No, stay there!

Oh, Betty! Betty!

I resign! I resign!

Please, I've got the wrong job!

Oh, put me on the dole!

Oh, no! Ooh! Ah! Perfidy, perfidy!

It's been a lovely three months, Ug.

But I keep worrying about Lady Bagley

and the others.

No good to worry. With those bad men,

by now they all be dead as toenails.

Doornails!

Maybe.

But just suppose they did escape?

After all, she is your mother, you know.

Mother, yes.

Like you say, she gave bath to me.

Birth.

- She gave birth to me, too?

- Yes.

And I really think we ought to try and find out

what's happened to them.

All right, you wish we go look, we go look.

That's a good boy.

But... before we go, we just do it one more time.

- Not again, Ug.

- Yes, yes, please, June.

- There's no satisfying you, is there?

- The more I do it, the more I get batter.

Better. Oh, all right, then.

Just once more.

A poem.

Mary had a little lamb.

Its fleas was white...

- No, no, no. Fleece.

- Oh, sorry.

Its fleece was white as snow.

And everywhere that Mary went,

the lamb was sore to go.

There. Was batter?

Mech butter.

Oh, dear. Now you've got me doing it.

Good. Now we go look for mother

who give me birth and bath.

Oh, do we have to go that way, Ug?

Not to worry. I show you.

You hold to me tight.

There! Perfect, no?

Wake up, wake up!

Come on, wake!

- Not today, dear, thank you.

- Wake! This is important.

Wake her, too.

What's going on?

What are you doing?

Nice way to treat your queen, I must say.

You are no longer our queen. I am taking over.

- What? With him?

- No, alone.

Since you came,

Tonka has become useless to us.

Well, he hasn't been exactly

a ball of fire to me either.

Don't blame me, dear.

You've got too good an extinguisher.

- How dare you!

- Enough!

From now on, you will live and work

with the women, Tonka with the men.

Hello. Well, I'm joining you chaps now.

You see, I'm no longer king.

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