Carry on Up the Jungle Page #5

There's just one thing bothers me.

- Yeah, what?

- How do we get out of this?

Hmm?

Yes, well, like I said, it never fails.

Tum Tum!

Tum Tum! Tum Tum!

- Tum Tum?

- That's their god, boss.

Oh, I see. The head of the corporation.

- Please yourselves.

- What's that big pot?

- Probably flatulence.

- No, that stewing pot.

- What are they going to cook?

- Us, you fool. We're going in that pot.

Us?

- Stewed?

- Not a chance. Stone-cold sober.

This is preposterous!

They can't possibly do this to us.

After all, we are... British subjects.

They've got no taste. They'll eat anything.

But surely, they wouldn't eat me?

You especially. Wait till they see

that bit of best rump.

Tum Tum! Tum Tum!

- Argh!

- What did I tell you?

Can't you do something to stop them?

Hang on, I'll see what I can do.

Here, you, before you start carving...

Him, great White magic man.

Him, doer of marvellous things.

You hurt us, him bring

heap great misfortune down on you.

Yes, I like to see marvellous doings of this man.

- Quick, show him your doings.

- I beg your pardon?

- Show him your doings!

- I will not.

- You show him yours.

- He wants to see a bit of magic.

Well, you should have said... Magic? Who?

Show me magic doing!

Magic doings. Oh, dear! He's insistent, isn't he?

Well, now, ah...

Now, wait...

This, er...

Oh, look! 12 o'clock.

That's it. You've got him going.

Here, I tell you what.

You let us go, you can have it.

You go.

- That's it. Let's go before he changes his mind.

- One moment, please.

I, Tinkle, of the miraculous doings

are well pleased with you.

I now call upon the great sky gods

to send down a sign upon you

to show their appreciation.

- Argh!

- Get down, get down!

Seize them! Tukabayo!

Bayo!

You and your big mouth.

"I, Tinkle, of the miraculous doings,

call upon the great sky gods... " Blimey!

Well, it's not my fault. What did that silly idiot

want to drop in like that for?

Don't talk about my baby like that.

He was only trying to help us.

Oh, he helped us all right. Right onto the menu.

- Anyway, it did enable June to escape.

- Yes. And Upsidasi. Perhaps he's gone for help.

Fat chance. By the time he gets back,

we'll all be eaten and forgotten.

Oh, the indignity of it all!

I, Professor Tinkle, ornithologist,

trussed like a chicken.

Just keep hoping they don't like stuffing.

Do they just... drop us into boiling water?

Oh, no, nothing as barbaric as that.

They just drain all the blood out of us first.

That's all we need, kosher Noshas!

Tum Tum!

There he is, the head chef.

White men.

Here we go. One for the pot.

Argh!

Blimey, double top!

They will do. Untie them.

Oh, um...

Excuse me, do you speak English?

It is the language of our king.

It is his wish we speak it.

Oh, how nice.

And who is this king?

- Tonka the Great.

- Ah! Ooh.

How very interesting. Perhaps you will show us

this great Tonka of yours.

He is not here. He is too weak to travel far.

Excuse me, where does this great Tonka

of yours hang out, then?

In our valley beyond the mountains.

It is called Aphrodisia.

Aphrodisia?

Ah, then you must be Aphrodisiacs.

No, we are known as the Lubi Dubis.

I'll second that.

Aphrodisia? Lubi Dubis?

No, I can't say I've heard of you.

No more questions.

You must save all your strength for the work

- that lies ahead.

- Work? What work?

In our country, there is only one

useful occupation for men.

- What's that?

- Why, to mate.

- Mate?

- What else?

Oh, mate...

Ha-ha-ha!

Aphrodisia.

- I hope the journey has not tired you too much.

- Oh, no, I'm bearing up very well, thank you.

I should think so, too. I think it's absolutely

disgraceful us lugging them about.

- It is meet and proper.

- Not for me, it isn't.

Where I come from,

the men carry the women about.

That is why you are so soft and flabby.

No matter. You will become strong,

after you have done some work.

Work? Doing what, may I ask?

Woman's work.

Farming, hunting,

looking after the men, having children.

What a prospect! Forward with labour.

Excuse me, miss...

- Er, madam.

- No, please do not get up.

- Can I help you?

- Yes. As a matter of fact, you can.

Tell me,

this work that you're talking about for us.

- This...

- Mating, yes?

This mating, yes. Exactly what does it entail?

I don't understand. Have you not mated before?

- Certainly not.

- Do not people do it in your country?

Well, I gather that there is a bit of it going on...

amongst certain classes.

But do not worry, you will be shown what to do.

I know what to do.

But I'm rather particular. I can't do that

sort of thing with every Tom, Dick and Harry.

But you do not need to worry.

There are no men in Aphrodisia, only women.

- No men?

- For some reason, for the last 100 years,

we have borne nothing but girl children.

The last man died ten years ago.

I can guess what of!

Wait a minute. Now, this great Tonka of yours.

Now, tell me.

If he's not a man, he should be a queen.

He is a man.

And when he first came to our valley,

we hoped the curse would be broken.

He has tried very hard, but...

That is why we bless your coming.

Excuse me.

How many women have you got down there?

Of mateable age? About 100.

Don't want to waste time hanging about here,

do we? Let's get working.

Forward.

Right, who's first?

Hang on, don't rush, don't rush.

Tonka is coming.

You will stand, please.

- Tonka the Great!

Tonka the Great!

Tonka! Tonka! Tonka!

- King of lovers.

King of lovers!

- Master of women!

- Master of women!

- Father of countless!

- Father of countless!

Oh, hello!

Walter!

Oh, my gawd, it's the wife.

You mean you've been here

all these years with...

all these women?

I can't understand what you're so upset about.

You can't understand?

Don't you realise what a terrible shock

- and disappointment this has been for me?

- Disappointment?

Yes, when all these years

I believed you'd been eaten by a crocodile.

Oh, dear me, no.

Your watch was found in a crocodile's stomach.

Oh, no. It can't have been my watch.

I distinctly remember.

My watch was eaten by a Nosha.

- How did it get in a crocodile's stomach?

- I wouldn't like to think. Unless it ate the Nosha.

I think I'm going mad.

Oh, my dear, surely you didn't come

all this way to tell me that?

No, Walter, look, will you please explain...

- Yes, dear?

- What have the Noshas got to do with it?

Well, you see, I was captured by them.

- Captured by them?

- Yes.

You remember that morning that Baby and I

set out for our usual walkies?

Well, I was jogging him along quite happily.

Isn't he a lucky little babesy-wabesy, then?

To go hunty-wunting with big brave

Daddy-waddy, then? Yes, he is, then.

Er...

What's the matter, then? Is Babesy-wabesy

sitting on something uncomfortable, then?

Er, yes, he is, then.

Poor Mumsy-wumsy must have forgot to put

Babesy-wabesy on the potsy-wotsy.

Didn't she, then? Yes, she did, then,

the lazy cow... sy-wowsy.

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