Casanova Brown Page #3

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Everything. I can't explain now,

but just be very careful.

- Will you?

- Well, I'll try, of course...

All right, Cas, please do.

- Mother, I want you to meet...

- We apologize, Mr. Brown.

But I know you'll appreciate our agitation

under the circumstances.

- Of course, Mrs. Drury, and I...

- This is Mr. Drury.

- How do you do, sir?

- How do you do?

And when I tell you how distressed I am,

I do so want you to understand

that there's nothing personal about it.

Well, I hope not, naturally...

Mr. Brown, this whole project

is fraught with disaster.

I beg your pardon?

But let us not waste time

in idle speculation.

Let us go straight to the stars

for our facts.

I hold in my hands the Word.

Won't you sit down, Mr. Casanova?

Do.

Thank you.

Do you realize, Mr. Brown,

where Sagittarius was

on the day of this marriage?

No, I'm afraid, I don't.

I meant, Brown.

On September 3rd, Sagittarius was

in the fifth solar house of Neptune.

Oh, really?

I don't suppose

that had ever occurred to you.

No, I can't say that it had.

- But...

- Please, allow me to continue.

On that same day...

Listen closely.

Capricorn was adverse,

Virgo was discordant,

Scorpio was retrograde, and Taurus,

due to the Uranus-Gemini trine,

Taurus was in sextile aspect of Venus.

In short, catastrophe.

But that's... That's astrology.

Of course. How else would we know

how to govern our lives?

- Do you smoke?

- No, no thank you.

Oh, no, no.

That, sample someone handed me.

If there's anything I object to,

it's a young man who's allowed himself

to fall victim to the cigarette.

Oh, absolutely, so do I.

Or a liar.

To me, a liar is even lower

than a cigarette fiend.

There's no question about that at all.

Well, now, let us turn to your birthday.

- Excuse me, Mrs. Drury.

- Yes?

Do you mean that you would base

your approval or disapproval of your

daughter's marriage on that nonsense?

Nonsense, Mr. Brown?

Couldn't possibly have picked

a worse word.

You don't believe in astrology, I take it?

No, I don't believe in astrology,

I don't believe in crystal gazing,

and I don't believe in beer suds reading.

And I must say that if I did,

I would hesitate to impose that belief

on the lives of two people

who love each other.

What Cas means, Mother, is...

Even though the marriage

of those two people spelled calamity?

What kind of calamity?

There's no likelihood of any kind

of calamity rising out of this marriage,

Capricorn or no Capricorn.

I say, Mr. Brown, but are you on fire?

What?

Seems to be burning

something in his pocket.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can't understand it.

Handkerchief catching on fire.

Oh, careful, dear.

Lots of things.

All sorts of things.

I'll just... There.

Please understand, Mrs. Drury,

I didn't mean to seem dogmatic.

Coat's on fire, too.

Well, how do you like... Hey!

Must have burned right on through.

Oh, is it ruined?

Funniest thing I ever heard of.

Burned right on through the pocket.

Oh, I can fix it, I'm sure.

No, no. I'll just...

I'll just...

Well, what I meant, Mrs. Drury,

is that it is rank superstition to assume

that any chance juxtaposition

of stars could...

- Well, I must say...

- Charles!

- This is the most embarrassing thing.

- Some water. Charles!

Charles! Charles! Charles!

Coming, sir.

- Here, take this thing away.

- Oh, good gracious!

- Careful, now.

Better run, but don't fall.

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Really.

Charles!

Charles?

Let me.

Charles? Charles?

- Is he dead?

- Impossible.

His horoscope doesn't indicate death

for 10 years yet.

- Get me some water.

- Water?

Yes, that's right. Water. Water.

Water. Water.

Water! Water! Water!

- What are you doing that for?

- It got down into the stuffing.

- What has?

- The fire.

What did you have in your pocket,

Roman candles?

I don't know. I can't understand it.

Water, please!

Oh, he didn't mean to do it.

I know he didn't mean to.

- Call the fire department.

- Fire department!

- No, Father, no! Telephone them.

- Oh, yes, telephone the fire department.

Telephone.

Fire department. Telephone.

Just a minute! Dash it all,

at this rate you'll have

the whole blasted house down.

Watch out!

Look out!

You're just a horror, Mr. Casanova.

That's what you are.

- I mean, Mr. Brown.

- What's going on in here?

Help! Help!

Somebody do something.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Help! Help!

All I did, Mr. Drury,

was put a little piece of cigarette butt,

all squeezed out,

in my right-hand overcoat pocket.

It was no longer than this, I tell you,

when I squeezed it in my handkerchief.

Don't you come near me!

Stop.

Stop.

Mr. Drury, Mrs. Drury, I find myself

in an extremely awkward position.

You certainly do,

if I'm any judge of awkward positions.

I know I... I know I owe you both

a real, genuine, sincere apology.

That's good. That's very good.

He burns down a $750,000 house

and he apologizes.

That's very good indeed.

- Get away from here.

- But, Mr. Drury...

- Get away and stay away.

- Isabel, come away from that infidel.

- Look, Mrs. Drury...

- Don't you come near me.

I would as soon associate

with a time bomb.

But, Mrs. Drury,

it's a terrible thing, I know,

but don't you understand an accident.

One little bit of cigarette.

Accident? You call it an accident

with Sagittarius

in the fifth solar house of Neptune?

Sagittarius, my eye!

That's downright idiotic.

- Cas, please.

- Let the infidel continue, Isabel.

Listen, Mrs. Drury.

It's all right with me if you want

to interpret your life

through fingernail parings,

but that's got nothing to do with me.

Or with me and Isabel.

Let's get that straight here and now.

You leave Isabel out of your calculations,

Mr. Brown.

- This is the end of that.

- Mother, stop it.

I will not see her fly twice

in the face of astral warnings.

Astral warnings?

What is this, the 13th century?

What have I married into,

voodoo worshipers?

Cas, you can't talk to my mother like that.

Well, then tell her to shut up

about those stars.

- With Sagittarius in...

- Listen, you ignorant, old crackpot.

I burned that house down, not Sagittarius.

Oh, Cas, I won't have this.

Sagittarius had nothing to do with it.

It was me.

I burned that house down personally.

Oh, Mother, what shall I do?

Sagittarius didn't even know

anything about it.

If I had a gun...

- Would you like mine, sir?

- What?

Well, point it at him.

Now, will you go?

- You bet. Isabel?

- Never.

- You coming?

- Shoot him.

- Shoot him?

- You coming, Isabel?

Shoot him straight through the heart.

Very well. When you make up your mind,

you'll find me at the hotel.

Shoot him, I tell you,

before he gets too far.

I can't, sir. It isn't loaded.

And that's all.

- That was the end.

- Yes.

In other words, correct me if I err,

the ceremony tomorrow night will have

a slight odor of bigamy about it.

No, no.

They got it annulled last December.

She hadn't her parents' consent.

There's a legal notice here somewhere.

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