Cassanova Was a Woman Page #8

That's fine, I'll get you water.

You want some water? Here.

Here's some water for you.

Here's your F***IN' water.

You're happy now?

Anybody else f***in' thirsty?

I didn't think so.

I'm leaving.

Freeze!

Not you, you idiot.

You listen to me Miriam.

It's 'the' underground, not

'on' the underground, you dork!

And just in case you missed

that PBS special on STD's,

there are no known diseases

you can get

solely from sleeping

with women,

otherwise, all heterosexual men

would be infected!

Well, I may not understand about

homosexuals or bisexuals,

but what I do know is that

you... you're vulgar!

You're vulgar!

Always have been. You tell me,

which one is worse.

Oh my god, universe, can you

please help me?

Who the hell are you and can I

exchange you without a receipt?

Lilian Canto, is that your

mother?

Shut up!

Gimme the keys, I'm driving!

Excuse me, please.

Can I have your attention,

please for a moment?

Thank you very much.

I would like to apologize

on behalf of my sister.

[man] The bisexual one?

[speaking in Spanish]

You know I was this close to

getting Burn Notice.

I love that show.

Go over there.

That was fun. You were great, as

usual.

So were you, thank you.

Cassanova, we need you in

wardrobe. Scene 23 coming up.

Ok, thanks, I'll be right there.

So you coming to my party

tonight?

I don't know. I'm gonna be so

beat after today.

C'mon Cass, you haven't been to

one of my parties

since we started

working together.

And it's been four months.

[old timey playgirl accent]

I know, and you make it hard

for a girl to say no,

if you know what I mean.

Uh, is that supposed to be

your Mae West impression?

No?

- Maybe?

Just a little--

- Cass, we need

you in wardrobe now.

Okay, okay!

So you coming to my party?

Okay, but only if you dance!

How's this?

Now that's way worse than

my Mae West!

I know. I know. See, I got the

hips and the... I know, I know

I got the hips going-

- No.

Look, I was the Salsa King in

college.

Yeah right, where'd you

go to college, Iowa?

Keep working on it. See ya

tonight.

[dancing noises]

So, you and Jose are a thing,

huh? What?

No!

- What are you doing?

[scoffs awkwardly]

You have to stop doing that.

I don't know what you're doing

but

I just wanna turn around and

look for a horse and carriage.

Cass, I know you and Jose

have a thing for each other.

Subi! We've only gone out a

couple of times.

Seven times.

Seven? He told you seven times?

In two months.

He's keeping count? What are we

in seventh grade?

- Apparently!

You have not even kissed him yet

and it's been seven times!

Alright. Alright.

Enough with the Cassanova Canto

Exposed Report.

I gotta go get ready.

Alright, but you know what, if I

were you,

I'd be tapping that sh*t.

Yeah, well, it's not you, okay?

He's so hot.

[Latin party music]

[girl 1] I'm doing

cinematography on this movie,

but I used to love

photography.

Especially when I photographed

all the beautiful models!

[voices are becoming distorted]

[girl 2] Oh yeah!

I'd miss that too!

Being surrounded by all those

beautiful women.

What could be better?

What did the male models look

like?

- WHO CARES!

[sounds distorted and devilish]

[girl 1] It's just a

matter of time, baby.

[Lola's voice] You like that

primal, thrusting action,

but once you've been with a

woman,

you'll never go back.

Honey, he can say he's straight

around his women and

the men on the down-low

but eventually, he's gonna have

to admit that he's gay.

Live the life.

But couldn't he be bisexual?

Pobrecita, no!

Bisexuality is the last stop

before Homoville.

[everyone]

One stop to homoville.

Yeah, all the

bisexual people I know

are constantly cheating on

their spouses!

Couldn't he be a bisexual

monogamist?

What the hell is that?

Everyone's bisexual until

they're gay.

They literally

asked me to join them!

[voices are still distorted,

cackling in the background]

It was me and

the two chicks in bed!

It was awesome! C'mon baby,

threesomes rock!

All these hot chicks that are

into women all of a sudden,

It's just 'cause they haven't

found the right guy.

But wait, wait,

what if you love women and men

at the same time?

That's what I mean, babe.

Me and two women

AT THE SAME TIME!

[says in unison with guys]

In the end you wanna be

held by a man.

[everyone] Eventually you

have to choose.

Eventually you have

to choose.

I was wondering where you were.

Are you okay?

Cass?

- Yeah.

What?

- Where you going?

I thought I'd take you to

breakfast

and then to that nice exhibit

you've been wanting to see.

Yeah but I gotta...I gotta work.

It's Sunday.

I mean...

I got a lot of things to do.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[Cassanova] Where the hell were

you last night? Shut up!

Voicemail.

Voicemail.

Hey!

Lola, I was really hoping I

could talk to you this morning.

You never answer your phone.

I really have something

important to tell you.

Where are you?

Hold on a second...

I have to answer the door.

Surprise!

Look at this place. I feel like

a poor kid, adopt me.

Cass! You are so surprised! I

love it!

You didn't know I was coming,

did ya?

No idea.

I was so good. I am not

usually good at this,

but you got to admit, this was

good.

- Too good.

Look at this place! Oh my God,

It's as big as a church

and lord knows I haven't been

there in ages.

Wait, wait, take one.

Resplendent.

How are you, sweetie!

Listen, I only have three days.

I figured, we could make the

most of it.

We could go to the beaches

and just hang out.

I missed you so much.

Ooh, is that your mom?

- I don't know.

Let's go find out.

- She'd have her keys.

Hola!

This is gonna be fun.

Why did you slam the door like

that?

It was a package.

Just leave the package by

the doorstep sir! Thank you!

Cass, what are you talking

about? It's me! Let me in!

Cass, why are you acting so

weird? Just open the door.

Do you know him?

- Yes!

Come on in.

- Thanks.

Hi, I'm Lola, Cass' partner.

I'm Jose. Now before I

tell you who I am,

did you mean partner like in

business or...

No, no, no, no.

Lovers.

No, not business partners.

It's kinda tricky these days.

Yeah, it's even trickier when

you also have a boyfriend.

I'm Cass' boyfriend.

And the Oscar for 'Female In

Most Painfully Awkward,

Yet Utterly Entertaining

Situation' goes to...

I told you to keep quiet.

He's not my boyfriend!

- Oh no?

Well, he seems to disagree.

Cass c'mon, we've been

seeing each other

for a couple of

months now.

[naked man sings] And the grave

digger digs deeper...

Cass, is this true?

How could you do this?

You never told me you were in a

relationship.

Yeah, Cass,

why didn't you tell either one

of them what was going on?

Well, somebody's gonna have to

leave.

Yes, someone should leave.

Pffft, I'm not leaving.

Bye now.

CASS!

Jose, can I talk to you

tomorrow, please?

Fine, but I'm calling you

manana.

Jose!

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