Cassanova Was a Woman Page #7

Does she love Cuban food?

Almost more than me.

Does she where guayaberas,

smoke cigars and most important,

is she a communist?

None of the above. But,

she is a democrat.

- Ugh.

Well, okay. We can work on that.

[Cassanova's mother]

Congratulations, Cassanova.

Thanks.

She sounds wonderful.

So far. Okay?

When can I meet...

- Lola, her

name is Lola. Whenever you want.

Whenever you come up or when she

comes down to visit, I guess.

Okay, wonderful!

She sounds great Ma.

Cass told me all about her.

She's an actress, she's a

teacher.

Oh my goodness, how wonderful!

Miriam's here.

Mommy!

What ever you do,

do not tell Miriam about Lola.

And risk another charming

evening with the lovely Sybil?

No thank you.

No thank you.

Oh Miriam! We've been waiting

for you.

And we've been having such great

conversation.

Were you guys talking about me?

I'm sure you were talking

about me.

You're always talking about me.

Did you forget to take your

paranoia medication

today, Miriam?

We were not talking about you.

There's not enough hours

in the day for that.

- How you doing, Miriam?

- Sure. Whatever.

Hey Miriam, can you believe

I'm gonna be living here again?

Why?

What do you mean 'why',

space head? I told you,

Cass got a lead in mom's soap.

Don't you ever listen to

anybody else's voice

besides the ones in your head.

Oh, yeah. That's nice.

- Don't get too excited now.

I said 'congratulations.'

No. You did not say

'congratulations.'

Did you hear congratulations?

I didn't hear nothing. I didn't

hear 'congratulations' either,

because if I would've heard

'congratulations', ooh.

We would have been like,

congratulations!

Yes! Congratulations!

How uncharacteristically

kind of her!

Congratulations, Cassanova!

There you heard it!

You already said it.

So

I'll say it a million times

because I love you and I'm so

proud of you, baby.

Let me give you a hug.

- No!

Okay, I'm going to freshen up a

bit.

So you girls continue to battle

'til I get back.

Have fun!

I'm gonna go freshen up too.

[Evette] Thanks a lot.

See ya!

- Hello.

- Hello, Lola?

- Cass!

- Hey! What's up, sweetheart?

Is this your mom's number?

Yeah, my cellphone died. How's

it going?

Everything's fine, but I'm

missing you like crazy.

This sucks.

I miss you too, but don't worry,

it's only a few months.

We could talk everyday,

and I could go visit you

every few weeks or so.

Right, and I'll come down

when I have days off.

Yeah.

I love you.

- I love you too.

How's the family?

- They're great.

They totally understood.

Really? What did they say?

You don't own any guayaberas,

do you?

You mean those cool Cuban shirts

with the stitching

down the sides?

I love those shirts.

My dad used to wear them.

That's fine for your Dad, as

long as you never wear them.

That's weird. I just heard a

click on the other end.

What?

Sweet Jesus,

you're not going to believe

what I just heard on the phone.

Lola, I just heard a click on

the other end of the phone.

You were listening to somebody's

conversation on the phone?

What's wrong with you?

- I didn't do it on purpose.

I went to make a phone call

and then I...heard it.

When you pick up the phone

and you hear somebody

else on the other end,

You hang up!

But I didn't.

- Well, you should've.

Sh*t!

- What? What's happening?

My sister Miriam was listening

to our whole conversation!

So?

- So? I was saying I love you,

I miss you, I wanna jump your

bones.

To a woman! She doesn't

know yet.

I'm hanging up.

- No! No, you wait right there.

Oh God, Lola what am I gonna do?

Tell her I'm your agent.

Okay, so I'm having an affair

with my agent

who's still a WOMAN!

I forgot about that.

Oh, Lord, lordy lord,

you're not going to believe

what I just heard on the phone.

What, for Christ's sake? What?!

Okay. Are you ready?

Because you're going to

freak out when I tell this.

Okay, can you spill it, please?

Our...sister...

our sister...

...is a...

...a le...

...a lesbian!

[mother] Okay, I'm ready!

Mommy!

Sh*t! I got to go.

I'm jumping into the flames.

Stop, drop, and roll.

You're not going to believe

what I'm going to tell you

about Cassanova!

Shut up. I know already.

Let's go eat.

Fish is great. How's your steak?

- Great!

This wine. What's the name

of this cabernet?

I don't know. Ma, what's the

name of this cabernet?

Nobody tells me anything.

I'm always the last to know

everything.

Of course, you all think

I'm some kind of a retard.

I know what you think.

You think I can't be trusted.

Well, you're the ones who can't

be trusted.

Waiter, can I have

another bottle of this?

Always the black sheep.

Always the black sheep.

Ever since I was a little girl,

everyone's hated me.

This place is really nice, Ma.

Have you been here before?

Yes, yes...

I'm the pimple faced one. I'm

the one who takes medication.

I'm the one who joined the army.

Pass the butter, please.

Thank you.

How could nobody tell me this?

How could I be the last to know?

How come I never--

You know why we don't tell you

anything?

Because of this!

This reaction you're having

right now is not normal!

You're acting like it's the end

of the world!

So what, our sister

is with a woman now.

Big deal!

Waiter, can I have a case of

this wine?

You know what? Maybe I should

try a woman!

If it's too easy and it's no big

deal, maybe I should, right?

All the men I've

been with stink,

so why not give women a try!

Why not? Because you hate

women, Miriam.

You hate men. Oh wait, that's

not right,

you hate everybody!

You kinda have to like people in

order to love them.

Ya know, it's mandatory!

Besides, who says I'm gay?!

Who?!

What did she write?

Don't get me wrong,

I'm not saying any of this

to make you feel any better,

It's kind of nice seeing you all

discombobulated.

I've always loved men.

I will continue to love men.

What I am,

for lack of a better term...

Don't say it!

Some people might

not really get it--

Exactly.

...until they've been through it

themselves.

Don't say it!

But I'm...

...bisexual.

Ah! I need to pee.

- Told you not to say it.

Me too!

Bisexual?

What's the matter with you?

She's our sister, you douche!

Who cares if she's with a woman

now as long as she's happy!

Happiness is not everything, you

know.

What?

What are people going to think?

What people?! You have no

friends!

That's besides the point!

What if she gets some le...

What if she gets some

lesbian disease, huh?

Huh?!

What if she starts going to

those uh...whatchahoosit

clubs on the underground?

- Okay!

If you ever use the word

whatchahoosit ever again,

I'm gonna cease being related to

you.

Well, what do they call those

clubs?

I'm assuming you mean sex clubs?

-Shh! Shh!

Like anybody hasn't been

listening.

What the hell are you

staring at?

You've never seen two sisters

arguing over another sister's

sexuality before?

I just needed more water.

Oh, you need some water?

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