Cassanova Was a Woman Page #6

characters in scripts to,

no offense,

be a therapist myself.

What am I getting at?

I have no idea.

You know what she's getting at.

Oh my god, how could someone

so gorgeous be so annoying!

Okay, focus.

- Look, I...

Weinstein, I don't feel well.

I need some air.

I'll see you tomorrow. I uh...

our time is almost up, right?

Alright, we're picking up where

we left off.

We need to talk

about the naked guy!

You have got to stop doing that.

Why didn't you want to talk

about me Cass?

Alright, let's do this!

Right here.

In the middle of the park, in

the middle of the day.

Bring it on.

Why don't you wanna

talk about me?

Because it's hard okay.

How can I love this woman so

passionately and still want men?

Because you're bisexual.

Okay, okay, alright already.

So what if I am?

How do I stop the--

the natural urge of wanting to

be with men

when I'm with a woman?

- You don't!

Are you suggesting I cheat on

Lola?

I'm not suggesting anything.

-Right!

I'm suggesting it!

I feel like a closet

heterosexual.

How do you mean?

- I don't know.

If I'm having a relationship

with a woman, doesn't that mean

I'm not supposed to be into men

anymore?

Not necessarily.

I guess, what I'm really asking

is

how can you be bisexual

and still be monogamous?

[unintelligible Kung Fu noises]

Hello? One second.

[screaming]

Yeah. Yeah, this is she.

Aha.

What?

Are you kidding me?

Yes! Absolutely,

absolutely.

Thank you. Thank you, so much!

I got the part.

- What?

Lola, I got the part!

I got the part

as the lead in the Spanish soap.

Oh my God! That is amazing.

I'm so excited.

You are gonna be a star! I can't

believe how excited I am.

Oh God!

- What's the matter?

I'm gonna lose you, I know--

- No!

I can't believe I meet the love

of my life

and I'm losing you to stardom.

No!

- Oh my God. Oh my--

What's the matter?

Have a seat, please.

I can't breathe.

Hurry, get me a bag.

What are you trying to do?

Save me or kill me?

You said get you a bag?

A paper bag! To breathe into!

Does that even work?

- I don't know, I just need air.

Calm down.

- Oh, Cass!

What are we gonna do?

How are we gonna make this last?

You know long distance

relationships never work

and I love you so much.

I love you too, Lola.

And nothing's ever gonna change

that.

Listen, we'll visit each other

every month,

talk on the phone

everyday,

and by the time you know it,

I'm back.

You know Spanish soaps, they

shoot for seven or eight months;

it's like a year long

miniseries,

except with lots of nudity

and a baby being left

on the church steps... What?

Seven or eight months?!

Are you going to be happy for me

or what?

- I am, I am. Yay!

[alternating cheering and

crying]

Have you told Peter, yet?

- Ugh, Peter? No way!

He doesn't want to have anything

to do with me.

I may call him though, just to

rub it in.

He's not gonna believe I got a

job in Miami.

That's where he wanted

both of us to end up.

Chock full of irony, isn't it?

- Totally.

So,

are you seeing anyone?

God sis, you don't waste any

time do you?

Going right for the good stuff.

What could be more exciting than

sex?

Hmm, you got a point there.

Well,

I am seeing someone, but

it's in the early stages,

and we really don't want

anyone to know yet.

What do you mean,

you don't want anyone to know?

What's the big secret?

What are you dating, Batman?

No,

more like

Catwoman?

You are dating a transvestite?

Thank god this trip is only two

hours--

no you weirdo, I'm not dating a

transvestite.

I'm dating...I'm dating a

female.

A female what?

A female kangaroo,

What do you think I'm dating?!

A female human being!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

What the hell are you smiling

about?

It's all good, Cass.

- What?

I just didn't think you had it

in you.

Me?

I live on the edge, baby.

On the precipice of life.

Besides, sorry to disappoint you

sis, but I am a free spirit.

I go where the wind takes me.

I flow, baby. I flow!

-Yeah, you're flowing alright.

I just didn't think you were the

sexually experimental type.

That's cause you know nothing

about my sex life.

Uh, what sex life? The boring

one you had with your husband?

Or the one you've been

fantasizing about for ages?

The point is Evette, I'm with a

woman.

She's incredible.

Plus, I bet you can't say

the same thing for yourself.

I've done both sexes--

- Don't be so sure.

I've had relationships

with both-- What?

Evette Manconi, you've been with

a woman?

Well, I haven't exactly been

with a woman.

No, no, no, you've either been

with one or you haven't.

Now, which is it?

Details! I want details!

- I am trying to tell you.

Listen.

I was 20 years old. It was my

sophomore year in college.

Did I have the purple hair then?

I don't know, was that the year

you only dressed in purple too?

Yes! Okay, listen,

sophomore year in college,

twenty years old, purple hair

and I...

kissed my best friend.

- Oh my God!

Did I know her?

No, she was totally goth

and didn't like being

introduced to other people.

So, I kissed my best friend

and we...

slept together.

Almost!

That's it?

You almost slept together?

That is truly the worst lesbian

escapade I have ever heard

in my entire life.

What are you talking about? We

were attracted to each other.

She kissed me.

But you didn't go all the way.

That doesn't count.

What do you mean it doesn't

count? It was exciting.

I mean, I wasn't

into it after that,

but I'm telling you,

it was thrilling.

You're pathetic, you know that?

Do me a favor,

don't tell anyone that story.

It'll shock them into boredom.

No, no, we didn't have any

clothes on. Do you understand?

No clothes!

Big whoop, nudity with

no labial action doesn't count.

We were drinking and smoking.

She wanted to continue.

Are you kidding me?

Inebriation?!

Everyone's gay after two drinks.

Everybody knows that!

[Evette] You think you can help

me out, here?

[laughing]

Can you believe

he said that to me?!

I wanted to kick him

in his balls!

[Cassanova]

So why didn't you?

Because! Joe wouldn't let me.

He was afraid the guy would

go after him.

Oh my God!

That reminds me of

another story.

- Which one?

The one about the transvestite.

Oh, I have a wonderful story

about--

- Not now, Ma. Not now.

[speaking in Spanish]

No ma, it's not that.

It's just that...

I have something important

to tell you.

Yes?

Well...

It's sort of...

you see...

I'm kinda--

- She's kinda in love

with a woman.

Evette!

- What?

And?

And...

that's it.

That kind of news doesn't need

an 'and' Mommy.

That's definitely the end of a

sentence.

Well...

Well, what? Are you okay?

I'm thinking.

You know English is not

as easy as Spanish for me. So...

Speak in Spanish, Ma!

What are you translating for the

United Nations?

We speak Spanish too.

[speaking in Spanish]

Okay, here it is:

Do you love her?

Yeah.

Does she love you?

Yeah. At least she tells me so.

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