Casting Couch Page #11

WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO DO?

- HUH?

- WE'RE HUGE LIARS.

- I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF

AS MORE OF A CREATIVE CONCOCTER.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE WHITE LIE.

- NO. NO. NO.

THIS IS BIG.

THIS IS, LIKE, A RED LIE.

- THERE'S DIFFERENT COLORS

OF LIES?

- F*** YEAH, THERE IS.

THERE'S, LIKE, 12 OF THEM.

- REALLY?

- YEAH.

A PINK LIE HAS TO DO WITH SEX,

LIKE IF YOU MAKE UP SOME STORY

ABOUT SOME SLU:

LETTING YOU JIZZ

ALL OVER HER FACE.

- HE'S RIGHT.

LOOK IT UP.

- AND THEN THERE'S BLUE,

WHICH MEANS--

- STOP!

JUST STOP TALKING NONSENSE.

- THE GIRLS ARE GONNA BE HERE

ANY SECOND.

WE'RE ABOUT WRITE OURSELVES OU AS F***ING BULLSHITTERS.

- SH*T.

HE'S RIGHT.

- WE CAN'T DO THIS.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

I ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE MY GIRL.

- F***, I DO TOO, GUYS.

I DON'T--

- SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE WE SHOULD ACTUALLY

MAKE THIS MOVIE.

- OH, HELL NO.

- THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING

ALL THIS TIME.

- NO, GUYS.

WE CAN'T.

WE DON'T HAVE A SCRIPT.

- WELL, WE HAVE

ALL THESE BLANK ONES.

- I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

F***.

F***, THIS ISN'T GOOD.

- HEY, CALM DOWN.

CALM DOWN.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

- NO.

NO, IT'S NOT.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA SAY?

- I'M HERE.

- I JUST CAME

TO WATCH THE EXPLOSION.

[explosion booms]

- I AM SO GLAD THAT EVERYONE

WAS ABLE TO MAKE IT.

KATIE, PLEASE GO AHEAD

AND PASS OUT THE SCRIPTS.

- CERTAINLY.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO ONE OPEN THEM.

NO ONE OPEN THEM,

NOT YET.

- TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK.

- OKAY, EVERYONE TURN

TO THE FIRST PAGE,

AND LET'S BEGIN.

YES, JORDAN?

- MY PAGES ARE BLANK.

- YEAH, MINE ARE TOO.

- SO ARE MINE.

- THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.

THAT'S BECAUSE

THERE IS NO SCRIPT.

- WHAT?

- HUH?

- UM, ARE WE SUPPOSED TO IMPROV?

I WON AN IMPROV:

COMPETITION ONCE.

- NOPE.

NO IMPROV.

NO SCRIPT.

NO STORY AT ALL,

FOR THAT MATTER.

- UM, I DON'T GET IT.

- THERE IS NO

BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

- I DON'T GET IT EITHER.

- WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY

STARTING A MOVIE.

WE'RE FINISHING A MOVIE

RIGHT NOW,

AND YOU ALL WERE THE STARS.

- WE ARE?

- YEP.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU ALL HAVE BEEN FANTASTIC.

IN FACT, YOU STILL ARE.

THE CAMERAS ARE STILL ROLLING.

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB.

- CHASE, WHAT THE F***

IS GOING ON?

- IT'S A DOCUMENTARY, JORDAN.

I'M GONNA CALL IT AMERICAN LIE.

IT'S ABOUT A GROUP OF GUYS

WHO HOLD A FAKE CASTING SESSION

SO WE CAN MEET, MINGLE, AND DATE

THE GIRLS OF OUR DREAMS.

IT'S LIKE A REAL

AMERICAN PIE STORY...

SURE TO BE A CULT CLASSIC.

- [sighs]

- YES, CALVIN?

- PARKER LIKES COUNTRY MUSIC.

- [sighs]

- CLASSIC.

[noisy guitar chord]

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGH THIS DOCUMENTARY

WOULD TURN INTO:

A ROMANTIC COMEDY,

BUT IN A WEIRD WAY,

IT KIND OF DID.

ALTHOUGH, IN REAL LIFE,

SOME ENDINGS ARE GOOD,

AND SOME ARE NOT SO GOOD.

- HEY, ALEX.

AUSTIN.

JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.

HEY, ALEX.

I WOULD JUST REALLY LIKE

TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

AUSTIN AGAIN.

LISTEN.

IT'S ME AGAIN.

JUST GIVE ME A CALL BACK

WHEN YOU GET THIS.

[sighs]

- SUCKS FOR AUSTIN.

ALEX NEVER TALKED

TO HIM AGAIN.

BEN GOT IT EVEN WORSE, THOUGH.

NOT ONLY DID HE LOSE

ANY AND ALL CHANCE

HE MIGHT HAVE HAD WITH DALLAS,

BUT SHE'S SUING HIM.

AND, UNFORTUNATELY FOR BEN,

HE'S THE SOLE PRODUCER.

HE'S THE ONLY ONE

THE LAWYERS ARE ATTACKING.

- [chuckles]

- CHASE AND JORDAN

GOT BACK TOGETHER.

FUNNY.

I THOUGHT SHE'D BE

THE MOST PISSED OF THEM ALL.

- I JUST HATED SEEING HIM

WITH ANOTHER GIRL.

- OH, I HATED BEING

WITH ANYBODY BUT YOU.

- 'CAUSE I'M THE BEST SEX

YOU'VE EVER HAD, RIGHT?

- OH, THERE'S NO COMPARISON.

YEAH, MAN.

I'VE MISSED YOUR BODY.

[rock music]

- OH, F***, YOU MAKE ME WET.

- UH, GUYS?

GUYS?

- HOW ABOUT THIS CUTE STORY?

- I'M JUST GLAD

THIS LITTLE PROJEC

BROUGHT US TOGETHER.

- YOU ARE SO SWEET.

- NO, YOU'RE SO SWEET.

- NO, YOU'RE SWEETER.

- NO, YOU'RE SWEETER.

- NO, YOU'RE THE SWEETEST.

- NO, YOU'RE THE SWEETEST.

- [giggles]

- NAUSEATING, RIGHT?

AND THEN THERE'S PARKER'S TRUTH.

- YES.

I ADMIT IT.

I LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC.

IS THAT SO WRONG?

DOES IT REALLY:

MAKE ME THAT AWFUL?

I CAN STILL BE A DARK

AND MOODY ARTIS:

ANY TIME I WANT.

SO WHAT IF I LIKE IT?

I LOVE IT.

I WANT SOME MORE OF IT.

- AND WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT'S MY OUTCOME?

WELL, LET'S JUST SAY

SUMMER WAS THRILLED

TO BE IN MY MOVIE.

SHE REALLY DIDN'T CARE

ABOUT THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

SHE JUST WANTED TO STAR

IN A MOVIE.

AND SHE DID,

MY MOVIE, THIS MOVIE.

AND NOW SHE THINKS

I'M BRILLIANT.

- BRILLIANT?

- WHAT?

DON'T BELIEVE ME?

- BABE, TURN OFF THE CAMERA,

AND COME BACK TO BED.

- I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU ALL

AN AMERICAN STORY

IT STARTS WITH A LIE

OR TWO OR THREE:

THREE MEN ARE SO VERY LONELY

LOOKING FOR A GIRL

OR TWO OR THREE:

THE ONLY WAY FOR HIM

TO SCORE A HOTTIE

TO ROPE A GUY MODEL

AND LAME, OLD FRIENDS

AND CAST THE PERFECT GIRL

INTO A MOVIE:

AND WRITE IN A KISS

OR TWO OR THREE:

IT MAKES ME GLAD

FOR EVERY LAD:

IT'S THE DAY WHEN HE LEARNS

TO SCORE A HOTTIE

HEY:

[jaunty punk rock music]

THERE'S MORE TO THIS STORY

THAN MEETS THE EYE

IT ONLY STARTED:

WITH A SINGLE LIE

BUT SOONER OR LATER

IT WILL KILL YOU

TO HELL WITH YOUR SOUL,

OH, YOU WILL DIE

HELL'S NO PLACE

FOR YOUR SOUL TO WASTE

BUT YOU STILL NEED TO LEARN

TO SCORE A HOTTIE

HEY:

IF YOU'RE OF THE FEW

WHO HAVE SURVIVED

TO THE LADS MARCHING ONWARD

THROUGH THE NIGHT

THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS

YOU'RE ALIVE

BE SURE TO TREAT HER WELL

AND DO HER RIGHT

AND BE SURE TO TREAT HER WELL

AND DO HER RIGHT

AND BE SURE TO TREAT HER WELL

AND DO HER RIGHT

AND YES, HEY

HELL'S NO PLACE

FOR YOUR SOUL TO WASTE

BUT YOU STILL NEED TO LEARN

TO SCORE A HOTTIE

IT MAKES ME GLAD

FOR EVERY LAD:

IT'S THE DAY WHEN HE LEARNS

TO SCORE A HOTTIE

- MY AMERICAN

ALL-AMERICAN GIRL

[pop punk music]

FOR YOU, YOU KNOW I WOULD

GET OU OF A LOT OF THE WORLD

I GOT A STORY:

THAT I KNOW YOU WILL LOVE

OH, OH, OH-OH WHOA

SO HERE WE GO:

LIKE A SHOW:

I'MA BLOW YOU AWAY

WITH MY AMERICAN LIE

ANYTHING CAN BE BOUGH

NOTHING'S OUT OF LINE

IT'S MY AMERICAN LIE

EVERYTHING I EVER NEED

GETTING FROM OUR LIE

AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO

IF I FELT YOU:

WOULD REALLY LIKE ME FOR ME

IT'S MY AMERICAN LIE

THE ONLY WAY I CATCH A RIDE

COME AND TAKE A RIDE

ON MY AMERICAN LIE

[rumbling]

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