Catfight Page #5

I'll watch you work.

You clean the room.

And I'll give you

one hundred dollars.

- No, that's okay.

Here.

- Not bad.

What do you think?

- It's really good.

- It's a f***ing masterpiece.

- Well, the tone in

Washington right now

is very somber.

We lost another

600 troops this week.

The military has responded

with an onslaught

of carpet bombs

and bunker busters.

We're not clear how many

civilian casualties

have resulted

from the campaign,

but does it really matter?

Let's bring out

the fart machine.

- I spoke to my son today.

- Oh, that's nice.

- He's getting a month

leave from the war.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

You must worry about him.

- Always.

I don't know what

it's like over there,

but I imagine the worst.

- Well, no one seems to be

taking it seriously over here.

- I think people are

taking it very seriously.

- What,

with the fart machine?

That's all everyone watches.

- Well, it's good to laugh.

- Do you think people are

laughing in the middle east?

This is a war on terror.

- What does that even mean,

Donna?

There is no war on terror.

It's not even real.

Do you know what I was

doing during the war on drugs?

Getting stoned.

- You dishonor your son.

- It's weird.

- No, it's not.

- It is so weird,

I'm telling you.

- I'm just practicing.

The more prepared we are,

the better parents we'll be.

- It's creepy as f***.

- Don't swear

in front of the baby.

- Would you stop.

- The baby doesn't

even have ears yet.

- I know.

- It's probably going

to be born without ears.

- I wish you'd stop

saying things like that.

- I just think you're

being way too premature.

- And you're being immature.

- Immature? Really?

- You're walking around

with a fake baby.

- I'm excited, Ashley.

- It's just that

you're being unrealistic.

Honey, you're making

all these preparations,

what happens if the

baby falls through?

Then we've got all

this crap that just,

I don't know, reminds us

of the one that got away.

- When the baby comes,

she's going to be beautiful...

And healthy.

Even if she has two heads

and no ears,

I don't care.

- What if it's a he?

Then he'll be an idiot

like all the rest,

but we'll love him

all the same.

- Mommy's just scared.

- Oh, creepy.

- Oh, it's so cute.

Thank you, rose.

- Of course.

- Oh.

- But it says,

"10 percent polyester."

A baby's skin

can't touch polyester.

I'm so sorry.

It's so cute though.

Thank you.

- I put the gift

receipt in the bag.

- Oh, great.

I'll return it.

- It's from me.

- Thank you, Rachel.

- Oh, look.

- It teaches you to crawl.

The baby to crawl.

- Where did you get it?

- This summer when

Doug and I were traveling...

In the tiniest,

cutest little shop,

this artist makes

everything by hand.

- Didn't you say that you and

Doug went to China this summer?

- Yeah.

That's where I got it.

- Rachel.

China?

We have terrible standards here.

But China?

There's like, no standards.

- Oh honey,

this is a renown artist.

You've nothing to worry about.

- Well, I'm sure

he knows nothing about

not using lead paint.

Who knows

what's in this thing?

- It was really expensive.

- So is getting

your stomach pumped.

- This paper is recycled.

- Thanks, christie.

Oh, what's this?

- It's a baby monitor.

It's for if you're outside

or in the other room,

you can hear him crying or...

- But it says, "wifi."

- Yeah.

- I don't trust wifi

around the baby.

All those electronic signals,

it's not good for the little

baby's developing brain.

- I'm pretty sure

it's safe, Lisa.

I mean, they wouldn't

release it to the public--

- well, look at all the things

they release to the public.

- I actually used one when

i had Sam and it's fine.

- Yeah, you need one.

- A lot of them are wireless.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Um, didn't you say

that Sam didn't do

very well in first grade?

That they almost held him back?

- He just wasn't ready to be

around children at that time.

- Well, maybe if he hadn't

been exposed to wifi

at such an early age,

maybe he would have

done better.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me.

- Yes.

- Do you clean

the rooms on this floor?

- Yes.

- Did you take that

magazine out of my room?

- What?

- The magazine in your pocket,

this is my magazine.

- No, it's not.

- I am in room 412.

Did you clean room 412?

- I manage the

housekeepers on this floor.

The only ones who actually clean

the rooms are the Mexicans.

- So you bought this magazine?

- Of course, I did.

- What are you,

an art collector?

- Maybe.

- This is my magazine.

Yeah, yeah.

You see this circle?

I circled that quote.

- Really?

Why did you do that?

- Because she speaks to me.

Because she's a f***ing genius.

- Well, I don't think

she's a genius.

My son draws better than her.

- I wonder what else

you stole from my room.

- It's just a magazine.

If you're staying here,

you can probably afford

another one.

- Well, that doesn't entitle

you to take what's mine.

- No.

I'm not entitled.

You are the entitled one.

- Why?

Because I'm rich?

- Because I'm white?

- No.

- Because you're a dick.

- I hate it, okay.

No, put it here

for one second.

Let me see it.

I need yellow

next to the debris.

If there's one here,

a little bit smaller.

- Ashley.

- Yes.

- Indieart magazine is here.

They want to interview you.

- Indieart.

They never wanted to

interview me before,

now they're here.

Tell them to go f*** themselves.

I'm kidding.

Of course, I'm kidding.

Would you bring them in please.

Oh, the pressure, you guys.

I can't believe it.

I've been under

a rock for so long.

So misunderstood

and f***ing ignored.

- Okay, I...Uh...

- Ashley.

- Leave that wall for a second

- and let's come over here

and start looking at some...

- Ashley.

- Some... sorry. Excuse me.

- This is indieart.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Frederic. Indieart.

- I'm Ashley.

- So nice to meet you.

- How are you?

- Let's get right to it.

- Okay.

- Ah!

- I'm home, mom.

- I'm home.

- Oh, look at you.

- All in one piece.

- It must be so

dangerous over there.

- It is.

It's supposed to be.

- They should respect us.

- They'll be more

respectful of us,

when we're more

respectful of them.

- Well, when someone's

pointing a gun at you,

- what choice do you have?

- What do you mean?

- You have to respect them.

- So, my mom

used to work for you?

- Yeah.

- And exactly how long do

you plan on staying here?

- She'll be going to her

aunt's in a few days, right?

- Yes.

- You bought that

bus ticket already?

- Yes.

- Wait. Whoa.

What are you--

what are you doing?

- I'm painting these walls.

- There's no way we're

keeping these walls red.

- Well, why not?

- Why do you think?

- Can we just wait

until the baby's born,

maybe, and then we

can decide whether or not

we want to change the walls.

- No.

Because this red

reminds me of a miscarriage.

Is that what you want?

Miscarriage red?

- Oh, is that a color?

Yeah, that's what I want.

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