Catfight Page #6

I want miscarriage red

for our walls.

- I hate these walls.

- Since when?

- Since always.

They freak me out.

- Oh, you know what

freaks me out?

- You obsessing over a baby

that isn't even born yet.

Do you know that every single

time you have this little thing

on your chest, it makes me

want to jump out of a window.

- What are you doing?

- This is a fake baby.

- It's a fake baby.

- It's my baby.

- Give me my baby.

- This is a fake baby!

- Let go of the baby!

- Give it to me!

- It's a fake baby!

- It's not a fake baby!

- It is a fake baby!

- It's my baby!

- Give me my baby.

- I hate you.

- F***ing fake baby.

- I hate you.

She didn't mean it.

She didn't mean it.

- Thank you.

And how many nights are

you going to be staying here?

- A couple.

- Yeah?

And where are you

visiting from?

- Um, nowhere?

- What's that?

- Nowhere.

- Did you say nowhere?

- Yeah.

I just said "nowhere."

What are you, deaf?

- Yeah. I, uh...

I am actually.

I lost eighty percent of my

hearing when I was a teenager

because my dad

wasn't a very "nice man".

But here are your keys.

- Room twelve.

- I didn't know.

- I didn't know.

- Have a great night.

- I also have psoriasis,

all along the inside

of my thigh.

So, if you want to

make fun of that, too.

- No.

- And, I have ringworm.

On my genitals.

Ringworm.

You ever heard of

"ring around the collar?"

- Um, yep.

- I have "ring around

the scrotum."

- Okay. Okay.

- Just try to be

nicer to people.

- Hi, mom.

It's me.

Uh, you've been asleep now

for about six months.

I don't know what happened

the night you fell

down the stairs,

but I have been thinking

a lot about my life since then.

And I got accepted

into art school,

but I'm enlisting in

the war effort instead.

I'm shipping off to

the middle east tomorrow.

I thought about what you

said about making a difference

and I think I can make

more of a difference

making peace over there

than making art over here.

So, I love you, mom.

And I'll see you

when I get back.

- Uh, hey.

Have you seen Lisa?

- Oh, no.

- Where the f*** is she?

Is she coming?

Lisa, where are you?

Really?

You're not going to show up?

Call me back.

- Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.

Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.

Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.

Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.

Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.

Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.

- It's brilliant.

- It's radiant.

Really.

- Radiant?

Now come on, no one's ever

said that about my work.

- It really is, Ashley.

And you're radiant.

You're positively glowing.

- Maybe there's a reason.

I don't know.

- Uh...

Why don't you tell me

about that one over there.

- Sure. Yeah.

Which?

- Um... uh...

- This one right here.

- Oh.

- I haven't seen all the work

- yeah.

- But I just gravitate

to this one.

- Yeah.

One of my favorites.

I'm thinking about buying it.

- Oh, it's not for sale--

I don't know if I'm going

to sell it, actually.

- Well, you know.

Every painting has a price.

- Okay. Well.

Okay.

We can talk about it later.

- What inspired it?

- Sometimes people

just need their ass kicked.

- . ..It's like the

celebration of life, it's...

I mean, or the human spirit.

In order to create, you have to

destroy the worn out paradigms

that prohibit progress.

You know

and that's what this is about.

This is about...

This is what art is for.

This is about

changing the world.

That's what this is... to me.

I mean,

hopefully at that point...

- That would be tough.

- Because it is.

It's like, this is art.

Art is about changing the world.

- You're a hack.

Bullshit.

- Veronica?

- In the flesh, baby cakes.

In the flesh.

- Knock it off.

- Get out of my way!

Get out of my way!

This is mine.

This is mine!

This is mine!

- F***.

F***!

- Brilliant.

- Hey!

Huh? Huh?

Huh?

How about this?

- Ahh!

- Look at me.

Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.

How about this?

Get up!

Ah!

- Oh my god.

- That's all you f***ing got?

- F*** you!

Ah!

- Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

- F*** you.

You want another one?

- Ah!

- Ah!

Ah!

- Well, it's official.

The war on terror is over.

Yes, incredibly,

the draft worked.

Committing millions of troops

in the middle east

gave us the competitive

edge that we needed

to take control and conquer.

And as a result, western

culture is spreading like kudzu.

People in the middle east

are watching netflix.

They're using social media.

They're eating fast-food.

They're even dropping acid.

And not the kind you throw

in people's faces either.

Americans are saying that

for the first time since 9/11,

they feel a real sense

of ease and comfort.

In fact, homeland security

has once again updated its

color-coded warning system,

let's take a look.

As you can see, the new

status levels are: Safe.

- Oh my goodness.

- Really safe.

- Doctor! Doctor!

- Incredibly safe.

Unbelievably safe.

- And not a f***ing

care in the world.

- My name is Dr. Jones.

I'm the comatose doctor

at mercy general.

- The comatose doctor?

- Yes, I specialize

in comatose patients

- here at the hospital.

- Okay.

- I know this is going to come

as a bit of a shock, Ms. Miller,

but you've been in

a coma for two years.

- What?

- You've been in

a coma for two years.

- I don't understand.

- You've been in

a coma for two years.

If you'll excuse me.

- Wait.

Where are you going?

- I'll come back later

when I have more time,

but congratulations

are in order.

- Congratulations?

- We were planning on

removing your breathing tube

so it was a good thing that

you woke up when you did.

- My breathing tube?

- Yes, we were using

a breathing tube on you.

- Why?

- To help you breathe.

- But if you were removing it,

then that means, that...

- You wouldn't be able

to breathe.

- Why would you do that?

[Stomach gurgling

- you're out of money.

- I'm terribly sorry.

- What?

- I've got the runs.

I mean, I've got to run.

Excuse me.

- This is a joke.

- Oh no, no,

this is not a joke.

- Why are you laughing?

- Because the doctor farted.

- Where is Lisa?

Why isn't she here?

- Ashley, listen.

You're in shock.

- Why did he say that

i didn't have any money.

- Well, you've been in the

hospital for two years.

That's expensive.

- But I have insurance.

- Oh, you have to renew your

insurance every year now

and you didn't.

- But why didn't I do it?

- Well, you were in a coma.

- But I would still have money.

- No.

You lost everything.

- Wait, what about Lisa?

Where are my paintings?

- Lisa sold your paintings

to pay for the hospital bills.

- And then where did she go?

- Oh.

- Where did my baby go?

My baby.

- I'm sorry.

- This can't be happening.

Please tell me

this isn't happening.

- Just, hold my hand.

- Okay.

- You just stood by me

all these years.

That's so nice.

- Yeah,

that's actually not true.

- What do you mean?

- I was just dropping off

a box of my comic books

to the children's ward,

and I was walking by this room,

and I saw you lying there

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