Cattle Call Page #8

What are you talking about?

I'm in jail.

You're a big man. I'm a fragile man.

I'm gonna get eaten up here.

I'm gonna get eaten up alive in this place.

You like baseball?

What?

Baseball. You like baseball?

Yeah, I like baseball.

You're gonna love Mondays.

We play baseball|all day long on Mondays.

That's cool.

- You like bowling?|- What?

Yeah. Yeah, I love bowling.

You're gonna love Tuesdays.

We bowl all day long on Tuesdays.

With the female inmates, too!

- Really?|- Yeah.

That's cool. That's good.

- Tell me something.|- What?

- You like sucking dick?|- What? No!

- You like getting rammed up the butt?|- No!

Of course not! God!

You're gonna hate Wednesdays.

Let's have a little quiet.

I have reviewed|the testimony at hand.

I must inform you all|that under California law

the maximum penalty|for this crime of fraud

is 10 to 15 years' imprisonment

and a fine of up to $250,000

with no possibility for parole.

We need to buy some time.

Uh, Your Honor, may I...

Yes, you may.

I'd like to request a 24-hour stay

so that my clients|may prevent evidence...

Present or prevent?

Forgive me. Let me correct myself.

So my clients may present evidence|to support the fact

that they indeed had every|intention of making a movie.

Objection, Your Honor.

The defendants have|demonstrated malice

and fraudulent intent with cause,

and I move to impose|a summary sentence...

Your Honor, summary sentence?

Are we in some foreign country|here, Your Honor?

I had to wait an hour and a half for you|to spit out what you just said!

Quiet in Mendel's court!

Solomon Mendel does not stand|for this kind of noise!

Don't interrupt the judge!

I apologize for... I apologize...

Are you a wise guy?

- Me?|- Yeah, you.

No.

You seem to be a wise guy, Mr. D.A.

Don't be wise with me.

Thank you, Your Honor.

You're very welcome.

Bail will be set at $10,000 each.

It's not negotiable,

so don't ask me if I want|to be in your movie.

Defendants will have 24 hours|in which to present evidence to this court

until we reconvene|here tomorrow at 9 A. M.

And I mean sharp!

I don't want 5 after 9.

I don't want 10 after 9.

If you're gonna have your oatmeal,|have it at 8:00 in the morning.

Get here before 9.|You understand that?

9 A. M. It is, Your Honor.

5 to 9 is even better.

Your Honor, I can explain tomorrow.

It'll all be clear tomorrow.

You don't have to apologize,|just lose a couple of pounds.

Let's go, ladies.|Back to the day spa.

Sorry. This is all my fault, guys.

- I came clean with Marina. I'm sorry.|- Let's go!

I'm sorry.

You better come up with something|by tomorrow, Mr. Rey,

or we are gonna go down.

Not me. You. You guys are|gonna go down big-time.

I've got JVC flat screensl

I've got Pioneer Pure Visionl

I have flat screensl

Policel

Perfect. My life is a reality show.

All rise for the honorable|Judge Solomon Mendel.

Good morning. Morning.

Sorry I'm late.|My hybrid wouldn't start.

It's a pain in the neck. It's a good car.

I'm getting good mileage.

It's my wife's car.

Had some problems with it.

It usually goes like that.

I'm getting 40 miles to the gallon.

It's a great car. Great car.

If they'll ever end this Iraqi thing,

maybe I'll get something|other than this car.

But I still like the car. Anyway...

Mr. Public Defender,

are your clients ready|to present their evidence?

Where is he?

Uh, yes. Your Honor, at this time,

I would like to, um...

I would like to request|a 15-minute recess.

15 minutes? We just got here!

Objection, Your Honor.

He's starting this all over again!

Your case is that you have no case!

Sustained!

Do you hear? Are you deaf?

- Sorry, Your Honor.|- All right?

I see no other way to go here|but to proceed forth with a verdict.

In the case of California vs.|The Producers of Perfect For Me,

I find the defendants guilty as charged.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

What's going on? What's this?

I hope this outburst has something|to do with your defense!

Yes, it does, Your Honor.|Yes, it does.

At this point, I would like to|submit to the court Exhibit A.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is that a flat screen?

Yeah, this is a flat screen|JVC, 1500 pixel 32-inch

with hi-def upgradeable.

I was thinking of getting one.

- Go ahead. Proceed.|- Good, Your Honor.

It's a fantastic set.

Your Honor, we'd like to show a tape.

This is highly irregular, Your Honor.

I know it's irregular, but let's get to it.

Your Honor, we'd like to show a tape

which will, I believe,|exonerate my defendants.

I believe it will, Your Honor.

Mr. Rey, please show the tape.

The final cast was selected|based upon their overall qualities

that set them apart|from everyone else that we auditioned.

I do remember my first audition.

I was, um... I think I was 5,

and it was for, um,|Coppertone suntan oil.

Well, I just went to Manhattan

'cause I lived in Jersey,

and, um, I got a job on a cruise ship|for six months in the Caribbean.

They said, "Get down|in your bathing suits. "

And I was like, "Oh, my God.|I don't have a bathing suit on. "

And I was, like, "I'm perfect for this. "

'Cause I was tanned,|always at the beach, and...

Yeah, I just stripped down|and got down in my undies.

Every day is an audition for me, so...

I had to strip. I started very early.

So I danced on a cruise|ship, and I got so fat

because I only danced two days a week,|on Tuesday and Friday.

Rolls hanging out.

And after, like, five months,|they fired me 'cause I got too fat.

I did Tony n' Tina's Wedding|off-Broadway.

It was very cool.

That was my first official show.

And I decided to go, um,|in roller skates

because I wanted to go very different.

I was so excited.

I was like, "This is it. This is it. "

I went, "This is it?"

I was like...

I was just like this big, fat, porky dancer.

And this beautiful blonde,|like, came on the ship,

and they literally, like, threw me off.

I promise I won't bite you.

I'm just gonna grab you like this,

and we're gonna go for|a little bit of a roll.

I want a man who I can treat|like the king that he is.

Ohl Give it to mel Give it to me, babyl

I got, like, a revelation from God|when I was a little girl,

and it said, "You are|meant to be a star. "

They were funny.

They were beautiful, talented,|and smart and soulful.

They were perfect.|It's just like the ad says.

On behalf of the boys,

I would like to apologize to|Marina and Laurel and Nikita

for not being able to let|you in on the secret

that we were shooting a reality show

and that the casting agency|was not real.

What is this, The English Patient?

With this new evidence,

I move that we find my defendants|not guilty, Your Honor.

This is ridiculous, Your Honor.

It's possible. I'm pondering this.

In light of the new evidence,|I find the defendants...

not guilty as charged.

Curiosity, rubber neck,

freak-show thing I'm|experimenting with here.

Well, hello there.

I'm Melanie, and I'm from Texas.

I have a beautiful sister and...

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