Cavemen Page #2

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So what? There are plenty of guys

are age who are looking for love.

Sure there are.

Name one.

F*** you guys.

Were you just...

- It was a self-point.

- It was a self-point?

Hello. And welcome back

to Here Comes the Bride.

One last question before asking

the lucky man to marry her!

Groom number one:

What will you do to make

me fall in love with you?

Well, I'm a live life

on the edge kinda guy,

so I think we'd probably

do a lot of skydiving

or bungee jumping or off roaring

in my new 4-wheel drive.

Oh. Ha! I like that.

Groom number two?

Well, since I'm a personal

trainer, my plan is

Oh, personal trainer?

That's really original.

Sounds sweaty.

What will you do to make

me fall in love with you?

To make somebody fall

in love with you.

For the simple reason

that love is predestined.

It's about fate.

It's about magic.

It's about are we

meant to be together?

And while I don't know the

future, I can offer you this:

If you're my destiny, I will love

you with everything that I've got.

Love that answer.

Yeah, but he won't get picked.

Do you wanna know why?

Hmm. Cause he's a geek?

Well, yeah that, and the fact

that he's losing his hair.

See, the chicks on

this show know exactly

who they're gonna marry

the second the guys

Wait? Are you saying

that people that

go on dating shows are shallow?

Shocking.

To men who have healthy

heads of hair.

It's a sign that their offspring

will survive in the next generation.

Genetically speaking.

Are we really qualified to

be speaking genetically?

I wouldn't do so well on this show.

What are you talking about?

You have a head full of hair.

Yeah, but my grandfather was

bald, so I know it's coming.

Only a finite amount of

time left for me to mate.

What are you, a chimp?

I'm telling you...

it's all over for me.

Bald at 25. So tragic.

What? Really?

Wha? I'm bald?

I'm kidding, you punk.

- Thinning?

- I'm hanging up.

Slightly receding?

All right, neurotic. goodbye.

I think I'll marry...

groom number one!

Douchebag.

So, I'm at the post office, right?

I find that I'm two stamps short.

Check my wallet.

Bone dry.

So I turn to this girl behind

me and beautiful brown eyes,

giving me a little E.

So I say, hey,

can I borrow two stamps?

But we gotta go back to

my place to get them.

So we go back to her place.

She's mad cash.

I'm talking persian cat.

Full cloth...

I'm allergic to cats.

So I start petting the cat.

Before you know it,

she joins in, right?

We're both like, vigorously

just petting this cat.

And she says to me,

do you like my cat?

And I'm like, well,

this is perhaps

the finest cat I have ever petted.

She's working the

high hard fastball.

The high hard fastball?

His dick.

My dick.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, must be a short conversation.

Uh, two whiskey sours, okay?

Hm. Why don't you

ever get on that?

Cause you don't sleep

with your friends, Jay.

Who says?

It's a well documented rule.

That's your rule, not mine.

Can you just finish

the story, please?

Where was I?

Right! My dick. Anyway, so

she lifts her head up, right?

Looks at me with those

baby blue eyes.

They were brown.

Brown? Blue? F***ing iridescent!

Doesn't matter,

cause I am seeing stars

at this point, gentlemen.

And you know what she does?

She hands me two stamps.

Damn, kid.

Feel free to use

that in your script.

Oh! What's up, baby?

So, Jimmy, how's school going?

Great. That's great.

Ahh, sorry this is so

last minute, Dean.

Can you believe the deal with my sitter?

Yeah. Why was she deported again?

Oh, I don't know. Something

about drugs or prostitution

or something. What did we

learn about video games?

That they lead to an increase in violence.

Okay, promise you'll be good for your uncle.

All right, I left money on

the counter for dinner.

You guys can get pizza, but

be sure to get a salad, too.

He needs the ruffage.

Oh, but nothing with beans.

He can't process beans.

Just get outta here.

All right.

Thank you! You're a life saver.

Sure.

What's say we do something

educational, actually?

Like what?

I don't know, why don't

I let you decide?

Wrestlemania!

Hey!

Hey! Hey, are you busy?

Wrestlemania!

Um, can you give me a hand here?

Maybe?

All right. All right.

You're asking for it.

I don't hear. Is that a mercy?

I don't hear a mercy?

- Stop! Mercy!

- Do you hear mercy?

I'm not hearing mercy.

At all. Can you?

Are you done?

You're totally done?

- Yes!

- I don't hear it.

- Mercy!

- I can't...

- Mercy!

- Mercy?

I have to hear it louder!

Mercy!

Mercy?

Yes.

All right. Okay.

Yay? What do you mean,

yay? It's not over.

Are you guys having sex?

- What?

- God, no.

No.

Where did you even

learn that word?

Mommy says you used to date.

Oh no. Briefly.

- Yeah, one date.

- Yeah, in college.

We never ever had sex.

Yeah, uh, do you even

know what sex is, Jimmy?

No, explain it.

Yes, Dean. Do explain it.

Sex is like ice cream because

you, you only have it

with people that you

really, really love.

Have you ever had ice cream

with someone before?

No.

So you've never been in love.

Yes. That is right.

So do you masturbate?

You owe me. Big time.

I will, I will paint your

friggin' bedroom, okay?

Except I am not doing

that shade of yellow.

- Yes, you are.

- That is disgusting.

Because you owe me.

So figure it out.

- All right.

- Just make it work.

Well, thanks again for everything.

Ride included.

Well, note to self: buy a car.

Some day. Please.

And fully commit to LA?

Has your sh*t gone crazy?

Get out of here.

It's been two years, you know?

She's not gonna wait

around forever.

Yeah, well, she's a

fickle mistress.

Yeah. No kidding.

I will buy a car, when I have

a solid reason to stay.

All right. Good.

Done and done.

Now get outta here, you punk.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Oh.

- Um.

- Okay.

- I'm so sorry.

I mean, really? Dean?

And I think our lips

actually touched there.

Are you wearing like a

peach, like, melon?

Okay. You know what?

It's actually not the first time

you tried to kiss me.

Really?

- Really?

- Yeah.

Because as I recall, it was actually you

who was the instigator of our one kiss.

The kiss that you bailed on.

Okay. Only because I had

just had a root canal,

pretty clear about prior

to the start of the date.

My bottom lip was like still

numb. Give me a break.

Mhmm, and all this time I

thought that drool was for me.

Okay, seriously.

- All right, fine. Going.

- Hurry up.

Move it!

- Bye.

- Bye!

- Ow!

- Sorry.

That was really violent.

Not necessary.

Let us have wine, women,

mirth, and laughter.

Sermons and soda

water the day after.

Don Juan.

Oh, a literary man, no less.

Yeah, well five years of

college finally paying off.

And what dream are

we pursuing now?

That of the actor?

The director?

Screenwriter.

Hmm.

A bartender that writes.

A writer who bartends.

Huh.

Anything I might have seen?

You ever see The Hangover?

I did.

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