Cavemen Page #3
Yeah. I didn't write that.
I'll tell you, if
it's any consolation,
you got most of the
whiskey in the glass.
No, that's Thomas Jefferson.
Hey, um, earlier today one
of my buddies was in here.
Anyway, he works for
a record studio
so I gave him your number.
If, if that's okay?
Yeah. I mean, that'd be,
that'd be great. Thank you.
All right. Just looking out.
That's a nice looking lady.
Okay, here we go.
Magic time.
Come on.
Magic time.
When I was in college,
I took one of those
career aptitude tests.
You know, answered
a lot of questions
And you know they
said I should be?
A ferry boat captain.
Not a writer.
A ferry boat captain.
I mean, do you like even
have to go to college
to be a ferry boat captain?
Is that something you
could apply for?
I don't know.
What's your script
about, uncle Dean?
It's about falling in love.
But I thought you said
you've never been in love.
That's right.
Then how do you write about it?
Maybe you should fall in love.
Jimmy, that's easy to say, buddy.
But you can't just go out
there and fall in love
like it's something
you can just do.
You ever tried?
No.
Then how do you know?
That's amazing.
So wait, where did
you go to school?
Uh, I went to Berkeley.
Oh, Berkley.
That's a really good school.
- Thank you.
- That was my reach school.
I went to school back east.
Uh, NYU.
Hmm. Not as good, but...
Are you, uh, trying to start
a fire with those things?
Oh, right. I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just a little nervous.
I mean, if it makes you feel
any better, I'm nervous too.
Really? You are?
Of course.
It's all a bit of a game, isn't it.
What is?
Just dating, in general.
I just mean that there
are so many rules
It's like we have to become
these super human people
who always order the right
thing or like the right music
or tell the perfect story.
Or who never have to
go to the bathroom.
Exactly. It's like, we're nervous.
Why can't we go to the bathroom
three or four times on a date?
It's actually why I'm wearing
a catheter right now.
Oh no...
I'm so sorry.
I'm not actually wearing
a catheter right now,
but you see that's a perfect example
of a joke that doesn't work.
It just goes to show you,
you have to watch what you say.
I totally agree with you.
It's all about socially retarded.
Don't you think?
What?
My little sister is retarded.
It's an old make-up factory
that we converted into a loft.
God, that sounds neat.
Yeah. The only real drawback is
that there are no windows or walls.
So you don't have
bedrooms or anything?
We just, we threw up curtains
to divide up the space.
Oh. That must be tough on privacy.
Yeah, well, like my
roommate always says:
If one of us is having sex,
we're all having sex.
Yeah, family is so
important to me.
I agree. I really do.
Well, what's your family like?
Well, my parents are
divorced, but um...
but I have a sister, who is
actually also divorced, um...
I've actually never been
involved in anything
That's like, I, I like to have
sex with one person at a time.
I haven't even really...
I'm waiting 'til I get married.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't laugh.
That's terrible.
But they don't have any kids,
my aunt says that that's like,
would like totally
ruin everything.
I...your sister's a retard?
I'm sorry. That's worse.
That's worse. I should not
have said that, that's...
Wow! That's crazy.
Can't believe you've
never had a boyfriend.
Well, I've never really had
time for a relationship...
because I was molested by...
Dogs. I'm allergic to dogs.
How do you know that's not dog?
I don't eat meat.
I don't do dairy.
I don't swallow.
I've never had an orgasm.
I've frozen my eggs.
Have you ever tried tantra?
Are you staring at my breasts?
My last boyfriend's
penis was too large.
Check, please.
Next stop:
Highland Park.Look over there to
your left, Dean.
Leave me alone.
Come on, dude.
Look to your left.
She could be the one.
Go talk to her, man.
I... and what, look like a psycho?
No, thanks.
Well, maybe you are a psycho.
You ever consider that?
All the time.
Oops, my bad.
Yes, so good!
Feels good!
- Yes. F***.
- Don't say anything!
Don't, don't talk. Don't talk.
Yeah, okay now talk. Don't.
No, don't talk.
Don't. Don't talk.
It's coming! It's coming!
Unh!
Hi.
Can I ask you something?
Hang on a sec.
Hello?
Hi. Hi, stranger.
Where have you been?
Yeah, that'd be great!
You're bad!
I can't tell you that right now.
I've got someone here.
Yeah, well, what are you wearing?
Wh... are you?
Oh, you're not going to want
to know what I'm wearing.
Look, Pete. It's for the best
man. You gotta trust me.
She called me a cocksucker.
Damn, kid.
I just can't be with a chick who's
gonna call me a cocksucker.
You shouldn't have to be.
It's not very loving.
No, it's not. I agree.
- What's up, buddy?
- What's up?
Hey, what's going on?
Uh, Beth dumped Pete again.
No. I dumped her.
Well, I'm sorry.
He dumped her.
Why?
Well, Pete's a cocksucker.
Sorry to hear that, Pete.
Why don't you come out
for a drink with us?
Can't do it. Gotta write.
Write later.
Write later?
Dude, you write all the time.
Write later.
I don't want to write later.
I feel like writing right now.
Dude, your friend is in pain.
Whatever. They break up
like three times a month.
Dude, this was the last time.
You see?
That's the last time.
I gotta write.
Wow.
I'm not hearing this.
Look, I'm sorry. I can't
just go out bar hopping
with the guys every time
I feel like it. I have...
there's things that you
might not understand...
Self control.
Discipline.
Will power.
Please don't.
Oh, please do.
What!
Wow!
Yeah!
You're a terrible dancer!
Wow!
Is that? You send...
are you sending me in?
- He's sending me.
- It's been sent.
Those girls are lookin' at me
Wow!
Those girls are lookin' at me
Check me out
Come on, catch that sh*t.
Those girls are lookin' at me
- Come on.
- Come on!
Yeah!
I f***in' hate you guys.
I f***in' hate you too.
Cause I'm a hottie with a body
I'll make them cuties
shake their booties
I turn the dance to believers
I get 'em hot just like a fever
Cause I'm a hottie with a body
I make them cuties
shake their booties
I turn the dance to believers
Be still my groin.
Gentlemen, excuse me.
Yeah, I'm gonna do a lap.
Great.
Hey, can I get a whiskey
when you get a chance?
Please?
Hey, need a favor.
She's got a friend.
No. No. F*** no.
Before you say anything,
she is, she's beautiful.
Okay?
You're gonna like her.
I promise.
How? What?
How do I owe you anything.
I'll owe you. Okay?
Come on.
I would like you to meet
a good friend of mine.
- This is Dean.
- Hi.
- Dean, this is Monique.
- Hi.
- And her friend...
- Jasmine.
Nice to meet you.
Jasmine's a writer, too.
Really? What do you write?
The advice column for Out.
Oh, that's like, a travel
magazine, right?
Actually, it's an alternative
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"Cavemen" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/cavemen_5225>.
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