Cavemen Page #3

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Yeah. I didn't write that.

I'll tell you, if

it's any consolation,

you got most of the

whiskey in the glass.

No, that's Thomas Jefferson.

Hey, um, earlier today one

of my buddies was in here.

Anyway, he works for

a record studio

so I gave him your number.

If, if that's okay?

Yeah. I mean, that'd be,

that'd be great. Thank you.

All right. Just looking out.

That's a nice looking lady.

Okay, here we go.

Magic time.

Come on.

Magic time.

When I was in college,

I took one of those

career aptitude tests.

You know, answered

a lot of questions

And you know they

said I should be?

A ferry boat captain.

Not a writer.

A ferry boat captain.

I mean, do you like even

have to go to college

to be a ferry boat captain?

Is that something you

could apply for?

I don't know.

What's your script

about, uncle Dean?

It's about falling in love.

But I thought you said

you've never been in love.

That's right.

Then how do you write about it?

Maybe you should fall in love.

Jimmy, that's easy to say, buddy.

But you can't just go out

there and fall in love

like it's something

you can just do.

You ever tried?

No.

Then how do you know?

That's amazing.

So wait, where did

you go to school?

Uh, I went to Berkeley.

Oh, Berkley.

That's a really good school.

- Thank you.

- That was my reach school.

I went to school back east.

Uh, NYU.

Hmm. Not as good, but...

Are you, uh, trying to start

a fire with those things?

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just a little nervous.

I mean, if it makes you feel

any better, I'm nervous too.

Really? You are?

Of course.

It's all a bit of a game, isn't it.

What is?

Just dating, in general.

I just mean that there

are so many rules

It's like we have to become

these super human people

who always order the right

thing or like the right music

or tell the perfect story.

Or who never have to

go to the bathroom.

Exactly. It's like, we're nervous.

Why can't we go to the bathroom

three or four times on a date?

It's actually why I'm wearing

a catheter right now.

Oh no...

I'm so sorry.

I'm not actually wearing

a catheter right now,

but you see that's a perfect example

of a joke that doesn't work.

It just goes to show you,

you have to watch what you say.

I totally agree with you.

It's all about socially retarded.

Don't you think?

What?

My little sister is retarded.

It's an old make-up factory

that we converted into a loft.

God, that sounds neat.

Yeah. The only real drawback is

that there are no windows or walls.

So you don't have

bedrooms or anything?

We just, we threw up curtains

to divide up the space.

Oh. That must be tough on privacy.

Yeah, well, like my

roommate always says:

If one of us is having sex,

we're all having sex.

Yeah, family is so

important to me.

I agree. I really do.

Well, what's your family like?

Well, my parents are

divorced, but um...

but I have a sister, who is

actually also divorced, um...

I've actually never been

involved in anything

That's like, I, I like to have

sex with one person at a time.

I haven't even really...

I'm waiting 'til I get married.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't laugh.

That's terrible.

But they don't have any kids,

my aunt says that that's like,

would like totally

ruin everything.

I...your sister's a retard?

I'm sorry. That's worse.

That's worse. I should not

have said that, that's...

Wow! That's crazy.

Can't believe you've

never had a boyfriend.

Well, I've never really had

time for a relationship...

because I was molested by...

Dogs. I'm allergic to dogs.

How do you know that's not dog?

I don't eat meat.

I don't do dairy.

I don't swallow.

I've never had an orgasm.

I've frozen my eggs.

Have you ever tried tantra?

Are you staring at my breasts?

My last boyfriend's

penis was too large.

Check, please.

Next stop:
Highland Park.

Look over there to

your left, Dean.

Leave me alone.

Come on, dude.

Look to your left.

She could be the one.

Go talk to her, man.

I... and what, look like a psycho?

No, thanks.

Well, maybe you are a psycho.

You ever consider that?

All the time.

Oops, my bad.

Yes, so good!

Feels good!

- Yes. F***.

- Don't say anything!

Don't, don't talk. Don't talk.

Yeah, okay now talk. Don't.

No, don't talk.

Don't. Don't talk.

It's coming! It's coming!

Unh!

Hi.

Can I ask you something?

Hang on a sec.

Hello?

Hi. Hi, stranger.

Where have you been?

Yeah, that'd be great!

You're bad!

I can't tell you that right now.

I've got someone here.

Yeah, well, what are you wearing?

Wh... are you?

Oh, you're not going to want

to know what I'm wearing.

Look, Pete. It's for the best

man. You gotta trust me.

She called me a cocksucker.

Damn, kid.

I just can't be with a chick who's

gonna call me a cocksucker.

You shouldn't have to be.

It's not very loving.

No, it's not. I agree.

- What's up, buddy?

- What's up?

Hey, what's going on?

Uh, Beth dumped Pete again.

No. I dumped her.

Well, I'm sorry.

He dumped her.

Why?

Well, Pete's a cocksucker.

Sorry to hear that, Pete.

Why don't you come out

for a drink with us?

Can't do it. Gotta write.

Write later.

Write later?

Dude, you write all the time.

Write later.

I don't want to write later.

I feel like writing right now.

Dude, your friend is in pain.

Whatever. They break up

like three times a month.

Dude, this was the last time.

You see?

That's the last time.

I gotta write.

Wow.

I'm not hearing this.

Look, I'm sorry. I can't

just go out bar hopping

with the guys every time

I feel like it. I have...

there's things that you

might not understand...

Self control.

Discipline.

Will power.

Please don't.

Oh, please do.

What!

Wow!

Yeah!

You're a terrible dancer!

Wow!

Is that? You send...

are you sending me in?

- He's sending me.

- It's been sent.

Those girls are lookin' at me

Wow!

Those girls are lookin' at me

Check me out

Come on, catch that sh*t.

Those girls are lookin' at me

- Come on.

- Come on!

Yeah!

I f***in' hate you guys.

I f***in' hate you too.

Cause I'm a hottie with a body

I'll make them cuties

shake their booties

I turn the dance to believers

I get 'em hot just like a fever

Cause I'm a hottie with a body

I make them cuties

shake their booties

I turn the dance to believers

Be still my groin.

I'm getting some serious E.

Gentlemen, excuse me.

Yeah, I'm gonna do a lap.

Great.

Hey, can I get a whiskey

when you get a chance?

Please?

Hey, need a favor.

She's got a friend.

No. No. F*** no.

Before you say anything,

she is, she's beautiful.

Okay?

You're gonna like her.

I promise.

How? What?

How do I owe you anything.

I'll owe you. Okay?

Come on.

I would like you to meet

a good friend of mine.

- This is Dean.

- Hi.

- Dean, this is Monique.

- Hi.

- And her friend...

- Jasmine.

Nice to meet you.

Jasmine's a writer, too.

Really? What do you write?

The advice column for Out.

Oh, that's like, a travel

magazine, right?

Actually, it's an alternative

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