Cavemen Page #4

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lifestyles publication.

Bro, you see that?

What?

She's giving me E.

Oh yeah?

How do you know?

I can just tell.

It's one of those things.

God, I love being single.

Hmm.

Watch the kid go to work.

Men in LA play so many games.

They're so non-committal.

I just got tired of looking

for a man who could be.

Just be.

This is why I've chosen

to be with women.

She's totally checking me out.

She's coming right there,

watching my every move.

She looks like Beth.

So is what you're doing working?

Oh, you know it is.

You know it is. Try it.

How do I do it?

Just send it out there.

Send it, baby. Send it.

Most men I've dated, I would

classify as penetrators.

I'm not too big on

being penetrated.

Vagina is actually

Latin for sheath.

I just got tired of being

another sheath, you know?

Totally.

Yeah, okay. We're gonna go.

Have fun.

Your friend, for example,

he's a penetrator.

Will you excuse me for a second?

Hey, man. Can I get a

whiskey neat, please?

Thanks.

Keep it.

No way! My God.

Send it, baby.

Send that E. Send it.

Come on. Look at me.

I command you to look at me.

What am I doing?

Oh my gosh.

Just go over there and

talk to her, you lunatic.

Stop talking to yourself.

That would be really smart.

Damn.

Unbelievable!

Nice job, Dean.

What?

On the way back to The

Cave, thank you very much.

Oh, who cares, man?

It's all bullshit anyway.

This endless need to

prove your masculinity.

Divide and conquer.

Ooh, I'm getting serious E.

- What is that?

- It's energy.

I know what it is, Pete.

I'm asking what it really means.

What does it say?

What are we doing here?

I know you're here to hook up, Jay.

I'm just asking what does it

say about the human condition?

The human condition.

What does my wanting to get

laid have anything to do

with the human condition?

I'm just asking questions, man.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

It is no more misguided

than your idiotic quest

to find the one.

You think it's misguided?

It's completely misguided.

Finding the one is a

inherently false concept.

You know, people have this

fairy tale expectation

that sex is no longer

gonna be f***ing,

it's gonna be making love.

And you know what?

They will make love for a while

and then they'll just

want to f*** again.

And you know what?

You're gonna think about this.

You're gonna think,

why do I want to f***

the person that I love?

And then you'll realize

that you never really

loved that person.

Instead, you loved the

idea of being in love

with that person, so that

person was never truly

the one, she was your idea

of what the one should be.

It's a mind f***.

You're a sad man, Jay.

I'm an honest man.

Pete, help me out here.

I have a test. It's called

The Mud Puddle Test.

Yeah, say I'm walking with

my girl down the street

and she somehow manages

to slip and fall

Somehow manages?

Pete what are you talking about?

No, no, no. I'm serious.

Look, there are two outcomes.

Either she laughs about

it or complains about it.

The good girl's always gonna

laugh about it, right?

But the one, the woman

you're gonna marry,

she's gonna drag you right

into that puddle with her.

See how that works?

Pete, are you like, pushing all

your dates into mud puddles?

No no, idiot. No.

I just imagine what each one

of them would be like in that

situation, based on signs

I've gotten while we were dating.

And Beth?

I don't even know anymore.

What about you, Andre?

Me? I love Anna.

Who's Anna?

She lives in New York.

But I thought that

Rosa was your girl.

No, Anna's his girl girl.

So does Anna sleep

with other people?

No. How do you know?

She's a good girl.

But you do.

I'm a bad boy.

And you love her?

Love is comfort.

At least for me, it's comfort.

It's knowing she'll be

there whenever I need her.

It's like this lighter.

I love this lighter cause I

know it's always gonna work.

So you love Anna like

you love your lighter?

He loves his lighter more.

I need a lighter.

She's the one.

A toast then, to finding the one.

No, no.

A toast to lying,

cheating, stealing,

lying for your friends, cheating

death, and stealing ladies' hearts.

I'll catch you guys later.

What the f***?

Dean! You all right?

Yeah. I'm just...

Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, if it makes any difference,

I get what you're saying.

You going back to The Cave?

Nah. No.

I know.

Give her my best.

I will.

- Bye, buddy.

- Later.

I, I know that, I know that

you can't look for it, okay?

It's just these women I've

been going out with...

too much baggage.

Or just way too shallow.

Yeah, says the guy looking for

love to finish his screenplay.

Well, maybe I'm writing it

as a subconscious expression

of my need to fall in love.

You ever think about that?

Well, you're wrong. You

gotta look for the signs.

Like the small miracles.

The weird coincidences.

The deja-vus.

The stuff that turns you off.

The stuff that makes you tingle.

Like seeing the same woman over and

over again every time you go out?

Exactly.

Or that you had a boyfriend

that you discovered

went to the same

summer camp as you,

except you guys never

ran into each other.

Did that happen to you?

No.

Wouldn't that be cool though?

Yeah, it'd be awesome.

Yeah.

I wish I went to summer camp.

Me too.

I just can't believe you

find Shaun White attractive.

- The flying tomato...

- I just think if someone has,

I think if someone has

longer hair than you,

- Oh!

- Oh! Are you okay?

- Oh!

- You okay?

You're such an a**hole.

What? It was a sign.

- Yeah. Mock me if you must.

- Oh, I must.

You buy flower for girl?

Uh, no. No girl...

This girl...

No! No. Not, not girl.

Not girl? Boy?

No, no. I'm not, I'm not his girl.

- We're just friends.

- Yeah, we're friends.

Ah! Girlfriend!

Yeah, look, man.

You buy?

Here. Okay.

Here. Take these.

No. Flowers bad karma.

Huh uh.

What? Take them. Please.

Because. For dealing with

my crap. Just take them.

I mean it.

Thank you so much.

Contact.

Other one's getting

a little jealous.

What?

You made me miss my cab!

You made yourself miss your cab.

What are you taking about?

Don't flatter yourself.

Kissing you was like

kissing my brother.

Really? Kissing you was

like kissing my mother.

Kissing you is like kissing

my grandfather and he's dead.

- Well you know what?

- Huh?

Kissing you is

completely forgettable.

Forgettable?

Completely.

Sh*t.

Wakey Wakey.

What? What is it?

Mmm. Eviction notice.

What? For what?

Excessive partying.

Morning, sweetheart.

What the f***?

Here we go, guys.

Sunny four bedroom loft.

High ceilings.

Exposed brick.

Eat-in kitchen.

Washer dryer.

Private f***ing elevator.

What? Yo, yo.

That's the one, kid.

Yeah, but how much is it?

It's $10,000. F*** me!

Can I get a Jack and Coke?

Oh, we're getting

booted from The Cave.

Well, that sucks.

That is a very good point,

but you see, the thing is,

I don't know what to say to her.

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