Central Intelligence Page #10

Hey, just for the record,

I think you'd make a great dad.

Did you just fake this whole thing?

Yeah, kinda.

You gotta be shitting me glory!

No, not at all.

I just thought that maybe a

facing-your-own-death situation

might help motivate you

to clarify some of your goals in life.

And, hey, between me and you,

I know you've been struggling

a little bit.

You know what I'm struggling with

right now, Bob?

Not whooping your ass.

Okay, Jet.

Hey, you're really cute when you cry.

Stop it! Enough!

I don't get it.

I mean, if these coordinates are correct,

we should be standing right on top of it.

The deal doesn't go down

for another 30 minutes, Jet,

- so we're kinda early.

- No!

Why would you do it

out in the open like this?

Why would you take that risk?

Just doesn't make any sense, man.

Sh*t! Come on.

Wait.

Oh, wait. It's not happening up here.

No, it's not. It's...

Oh, it's happening beneath us. Look.

It's an underground parking garage.

Yeah, that's a good eye, Jet.

Why don't you stay up here?

Keep overwatch.

I'll go down there and check things out.

Wait, what? No, I'm going with you.

You can't go with me.

The smarter play is if we split up.

Smarter play for who?

Do you know what happens

when people split up, Bob?

Somebody dies!

I'd be the one to die. You know why?

Because I don't have a bulletproof vest

and I don't have a gun!

Which means that you

are my bulletproof vest!

My little black ass is gonna stay

behind you, you're not leaving me!

That's exactly why

you should stay up here.

Look, if you went down

in that garage and you got shot to death,

you know how hurt I would be?

I'd be super bummed out!

I don't want that.

It's safer for you up here.

If something happened up here,

what am I supposed to do, Bob?

How do I get your attention?

Make a bird call?

Does that sound like a bird to you? Huh?

That's my biggest weakness!

I can't make bird noises.

I never could.

So if that's what

I gotta depend on to live,

it means I'm gonna die!

I'mma die up here, by myself

sounding like a dead-ass pigeon.

- I have no idea what a pigeon...

- Jet, Jet, Jet, Jet, Jet!

You don't have to make bird noises.

You don't have to sound like a pigeon.

All you gotta do is call me on

the encrypted phone that's in your hand.

- Okay?

- Okay, yeah.

- I'll be right back.

- Okay.

All right?

Oh, Jet.

I'll see you on the other side.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're early.

So are you.

Come on.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

I knew it.

I knew it. I knew

she was The Black Badger!

Oh, my God!

Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone.

Yello?

Bob, Harris is The Black Badger!

Hello?

Harris is The Black Badger!

I can't hear you.

Harris is The Black Badger!

Just kidding! I'm not here.

Leave a message at the beep.

What?

Oh. Harris is The Black Badger!

Harris is The Black Badger!

I knew it. I knew it.

Harris is The Black Badger!

Bob! Harris is The...

Who is he?

That's my partner.

I don't like splitting my fees.

The package. Please.

Thought you'd never ask.

Wait! You're making a mistake.

Hello, Bob.

But you're dead.

Not as much as people think.

Look, he's not The Black Badger...

I am.

And those aren't the encryption codes,

these are.

He's lying to you.

This man is a CIA agent,

and he's trying to sell you bogus plans.

Damn.

Ow, ow.

He shot me.

These are the real codes

and I am the real Black Badger.

Bob is The Black Badger.

Bob is The Black Badger.

I am The Black Badger.

Phil?

No, I'm The Black Badger.

I'm starting to think

I might be The Black Badger.

Here's the thing.

I have no idea

who is the real Black Badger.

And I don't care.

'Cause I'm The Honey Badger.

And The Honey Badger doesn't give a sh*t.

The Honey Badger's nasty.

He's so nasty, he'll take them both.

Hand them over.

Phil, when this thing is over,

I'm going to rip your throat out

like Patrick Swayze in Road House.

Oh, my God. You and Road House.

Get over that movie.

It sucked then, it sucks now.

F*** Patrick Swayze!

How dare you!

Drop your weapons!

Oh! Oh, sh*t!

The codes.

Don't do it.

Stupid.

Okay.

One,

two,

three! Sh*t!

Uh-oh! Oh!

No!

He's got the codes!

Whoo!

I mean, this is crazy, right?

You stay the hell away from me, Bob!

You shot me in the neck!

Jet!

Okay.

Golden Jet for the win!

No. Sh*t!

Drop your weapon, Bob.

Oh, sh*t!

Get behind me, Mr. Joyner.

Ah, you don't wanna do that, Jet.

It's obvious he's the bad guy.

I'm the good guy. You wanna get behind me.

Agent Harris had me go dark

to get Bob to reveal himself

as The Black Badger.

You don't seriously

believe this guy, do you?

You wanna get behind me, Jet.

You betrayed your nation, Bob.

You betrayed your partner, Phil.

Okay, no, wait! Everybody just stop!

Cut the sh*t!

I'mma cut the line right now!

I cut the sh*t!

Hear me? Now I don't care

who betrayed who.

Okay? I just don't wanna get hurt!

So there ain't gonna be no... Sh*t!

Come on.

Shi...

Sh*t.

Smart move, Mr. Joyner.

You've done your country a great service.

Now, hand me the firearm

and we'll turn over

the satellite codes together.

Stay right there, man.

Don't you take another step.

Just because I shot him

does not mean I trust you.

We don't have time for this.

Stop! I said, "Stop."

Aw, whoopsie.

Nice throw, b*tch.

You wanna know why your pal Bob

could never have been The Black Badger?

It's because he's too weak.

And if I had to hear

another goddamned story

about Calvin "The Golden Jet" Joyner

and how awesome you were in high school

and how you were

this big idiot's best friend,

I was just gonna lose it.

Looking at you right now,

you don't seem so cool.

You just seem like a regular guy.

An everyday Joe.

You know, faking my own death

was the easy part.

But dealing with Bob, day after day,

was the hard part.

Hey, Phil.

What, Bob?

I'll see you on the other side.

No, I hope we don't. All right?

Just, no. Bye, bye, bye.

Just go.

I made up the Black Badger,

rigged up a blood bag

and that big dummy bought it.

Bob!

No, no! Hang on, buddy.

No, there's some sort of bomb in here.

You're pushing it closed, I think.

- No, no, no. Sorry.

- No, don't give up!

Bye, Bob.

I'm getting away with

a half a billion dollars.

And Boy Scout Bob is gonna

spend his life in prison.

Ain't America great?

So now you're gonna be

the second partner of Bob's to die.

Just relax.

On your knees, Golden Jet.

What the hell was that?

Golden Jet flip.

Yeah? Well, you really suck at it.

I know.

Then why'd you do it?

Distraction.

Oh, you just pulled his throat out!

I'll see you on the other side.

Jet, come here.

Give me your hand, old buddy.

Oh, sh*t! Get that away from me!

Sorry, Jet.

Come here, Jet. That was a trachea.

Great distraction, man!

Sorry I had to shoot you, Jet.

It was the only way

I could save your life.

But when you shot me

to get Phil to confess

that he was The Black Badger,

that was some next-level-type sh*t!

Yeah, no.

I'm glad you see it the way I saw it.

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