Central Intelligence Page #9

Thank you for being so uncooperative.

What do you think your little buddy, Joyner,

would say if he could see you like this?

Two words.

I'm in.

What-what?

You're making a big mistake, Mr. Joyner.

That's only if I'm wrong.

Come on, Bob. Let's go!

What're you doing? Come on, man!

Okay, listen to me. Bob, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I double-crossed you.

You hear me?

I should've believed you,

I should've trusted you, and I didn't.

I'm sorry for that.

Listen to me. Bob,

we don't have time for this, man!

I need you to tap into

that super-spy stuff

and I need you to get us the hell

out of here right now. Do you hear me?

I'm not a super spy, Calvin.

I'm Robbie Wheirdicht, super tool.

No, stop. You're not a super tool.

You're not even Robbie Wheirdicht.

You're Bob Stone!

- I made that name up.

- So what?

- It's not real.

- What does that mean? What does that mean?

You think Mr. T and Sting

were born with those names?

How do you think I got

the name "Golden Jet" at high school?

- 'Cause you're awesome.

- No, that's not how.

In the eighth grade, I ran track.

It was my first race.

Okay, the race came down

to me and this other kid.

I wanted to win the race so damn bad

that I ended up peeing in my pants

at the finish line.

That's how I got the name "Golden Jet."

So, take it from a guy who's literally

pissed his pants in front of everybody

just to win a race.

You are who you decide to be.

And you chose to be

an international CIA spy.

Come on, man.

You get to kill people for a living.

How cool is that?

I don't know.

Kinda cool I guess.

What do you mean "kinda cool"?

Ain't no kinda cool.

Stop it! It's awesome.

Now, come on, man. We boys?

- We're boys.

- Oh!

Sorry, Jet.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

See? Good as new.

Wow. Sorry, man.

Go, go!

Get me out!

He got the jump on us. Give me the key.

Look out, Bob!

Here, Jet! Get him!

Watch out!

Did you see that, Bob?

I did the thing! I did the thing, Bob!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

- Come on! Follow me!

- Let's do it!

No! What the f*** am I doing?

Here! You get the gun.

- I'm behind you. Go.

- All right.

Oh, my God. There's two of them.

Yeah, I'll distract them

and you open the door, okay?

- What? No!

- Let's roll.

No, no.

Go, go!

- Close in!

- Moving out!

- Freeze, Bob!

- Sorry about this, guys.

Nope, come here.

Come on.

Wrong keycard, pal. Turn around.

You needed this one.

On the ground, now.

Can I say something first?

- What?

- This is going to hurt.

- Hey, get the keycard! Let's roll.

- All right, all right.

Which car are we taking?

Not that one.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh, sh...

Oh.

Here we go, Jet.

- Bob, they are shooting at us!

- It's okay, it's bulletproof.

Drive, drive!

Here you go, Jet.

What's this?

Bug-out bag, courtesy of the CIA.

Go ahead and grab that

encrypted phone in there.

For what?

You still have the bank transaction code?

How are transaction numbers gonna help us

find out where the bad guys are?

Well, it's not bank transaction

numbers or codes, it's actually...

Longitude and latitude.

Look at the spy brain

on the Jet! What-what!

You're like a chocolate Google.

Bob, don't do that. Stop it. Stop it.

You're getting good at this, man.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

It's longitude and latitude.

All you gotta do is plug those

digits into the GPS, and boom!

We're gonna catch the buyer

and The Badger, just like that.

Boston.

We're gonna need a plane.

You ever steal a plane before?

- I stole some Starbursts one time.

- Mmm-hmm.

So I don't know

if that compares or anything,

but I wasn't successful with that.

On the way out, I dropped 'em.

Dropped the whole bag. The guy caught me.

"What's that?" I just said, "A Starburst."

Told him myself. It was a mess.

Check it out. The universe provides.

Oh.

Golden Jet.

- Golden Jet.

- Golden Jet.

- It's just one guard in there.

- All right.

90% of spy work is distraction.

You get in there and distract that guard,

I'm gonna get us a plane.

What?

I don't know what the hell you expect...

Bob!

Bob!

F***!

F*** you, Bob!

Damn it!

Hey, I need a plane.

Sir, you cannot be in here.

This is a private airfield.

I understand that but I have an organ

in this cooler right now

that needs to get transported ASAP.

Really?

Because my sister-in-law

had a heart transplant last year

and they did not bring it

in a Playmate lunch cooler.

I hate to break it to you,

but this is not a...

- This is not a heart.

- It's not a heart?

No, it's not.

Hmm. What is it then?

- It's a dick.

- Okay.

I am made of questions right now.

Well, you don't have to ask.

Last night, lady got into it with a man.

She ended up cutting his pecker off.

She left with it, got in a car, drove,

got on 95, threw it out the window.

The second largest penis hunt

in the state history.

The man was Korean, so you better

believe it took a long time to find.

You're stereotyping Korean d*cks.

That's racist.

I've seen Korean d*cks bigger than you.

Okay, after finding it,

the guy brought it to me,

and he said, "Do your due diligence in

getting this dick where it's got to go."

That's what I do.

I'm a dick deliverer specialist.

Oh, DDS?

Like a dentist but for d*cks.

Uh...

So, people are like,

"Here's a dick. Find a plane."

That's how you do it?

You're like an Uber for d*cks?

Where do you get these jobs?

On Craigslist?

Okay, sir, we don't need

to demean each other here.

I don't believe a word you're saying.

Let me see it.

I have no problem showing you this.

So if you wanna see it

then get ready to see.

- Here I go.

- Go for it.

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t.

I'm just kidding. This is my friend.

- Oh!

- It's my buddy.

His name's Snake Gyllenhaal.

- He guards my lunch.

- Okay, that's enough.

It's gotta be Harris, right?

What do you mean?

I mean, she's gotta be The Black Badger.

It's the only thing that makes sense.

I mean, she's had access

to the encryption codes

and she's so hot and bothered about

pinning this whole thing on you.

It's gotta be her!

I don't know, Jet.

I'm pretty sure she thinks

I'm The Black Badger.

She worked me over pretty good

in that interrogation room.

Hold on, wait, wait... What's going on?

What's that?

What's going on right now, Bob?

No biggie. We're completely outta gas.

Oh, my... Oh!

We're going down, Jet!

There's nothing I can do!

- Oh, sh*t!

- Really quickly...

What's the one thing

you wish you'd done in your life?

The one thing I wish I hadn't done

is not get in a plane with a guy

who didn't check the goddamned fuel!

- Why wouldn't you check the fuel?

- No, something that's real.

What's the one thing

you regret not doing for you?

Oh, my God! I think we're gonna die!

Not having a kid, man!

Not being a father!

I regret not being a father!

Maggie, I should've gave you a kid!

I should've gave you my seed, Maggie!

I should've!

I'm so selfish!

I'm sorry, Maggie!

- That wasn't so hard, right?

- What?

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