Chain of Fools Page #3

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You do always get your man.

That's what it said in Playboy.

She's been in Playboy.

The best looking cop

I've had the pleasure to meet.

Her turn-ons include horseback riding,

skydiving and strong cheese.

Mr. Stevens,

let's keep our minds on the robbery.

- Bollingsworth here.

- Bollingsworth, it's Avnet here.

- Hello, Mayor.

- Mayor? No, it's...

- It's the mayor.

- ... Avnet. You threw a sandwich at me?

What do you want? I haven't spoken

to the authorities, and I'm not going to.

You've got the coins...

- ... let's just call it even.

- Or, how about this?

I am going to speak to the authorities

about you.

I'm going to watch you, Mr. Successful,

stand trial for murder...

...while I'm out spending all the money.

- Tasty?

- No, it isn't.

I'll go back to my place and get those...

...Shiny New Enemies. Then I'll surprise

my lady with the good news.

Then we're going to France.

I hope the European papers

cover your trial.

Goodbye, Bollingsworth, old man.

Wait.

My God.

I got it.

- Shooting gallery.

- Hello, Mr. Haas?

Bollingsworth here.

I need a favor. A rather large favor.

Hello, Bollingsworth.

You're Mikey?

- You're the man Mr. Haas sent?

- Let me get us another chair.

Is this chair being used?

Does it look like it's being used?

"Does it look like it's being used? "

That's a good one.

Now it's being used.

I'm so sorry. Are you all right?

I got another chair.

So, you want somebody rubbed out?

I hope you don't mind me saying this,

but you seem rather young...

...for this type of business.

Don't worry. I get that all the time.

But just because I'm young

doesn't mean I'm inexperienced.

I hate to brag, but...

...do you remember Senator Dove?

Room Service.

Senator Dove was one of yours?

Like I said, I hate to brag.

So back to the matter at hand.

Who do you want bumped?

A man called Avnet.

And I'm afraid I don't really know much

about him.

He stole something from me.

He's usually found loitering

around A.J.'s Arsenal.

- Don't worry, I can find him.

- And, Mikey...

...there's an air of expediency

about the whole procedure.

- You want him killed quick?

- Yes, straight away.

This afternoon.

It's your lucky day.

I'm not busy this afternoon.

Things were really starting to go my way.

Sure, I'd accidentally killed a man...

...and my best friend was out cold

on my couch, but...

...I was a millionaire.

All I had to do was sell the coins

and start living my fabulous new life.

Hey, Jeannie.

Oh, my God, it's Andy Brower?

Yeah, good old Andy.

I thought that guy

would be locked up by now.

Yeah, he's had a pretty hard day.

Too much to drink and wine coolers...

So, is something wrong?

Yes, something's wrong.

Something's always wrong.

Mark left me.

What a coincidence.

Karen filed for divorce this morning.

Can we concentrate on me?

Karen moved out two years ago.

Yeah, okay.

What are you doing here?

My husband leaves me and my brother

wonders why I'm bothering him about it.

This is a great country.

What I meant was...

...if you need a shoulder to cry on,

go to one of your friends, like Shelley.

Mark left me for Shelley.

Okay, then that's a pretty bad idea.

Kresk, I need you to take Scottie

off my hands for a few days.

No way. That little bastard hates me.

- Scottie, get a broom and clean that up!

- Yeah, now!

Hey, don't yell at my son.

Listen, it's just for a few days, Kresk.

I don't think I can take him for a few hours.

You'll be fine. Just be careful,

because he will eat anything.

- Great.

- Good luck.

- Baby, come here. Give Mamma a kiss.

- Screw you.

All right, bye-bye.

Hey, Scottie.

- Well, I guess it's just you and me, buddy.

- I hate you.

Scottie, can you just...

- Yeah?

- Hi.

- Is this Lester's 24-hour pawn shop?

- Yeah.

Great, I have some coins

that I'd like to pawn.

What kind of coins?

Hold on. Scottie, put those down.

Put them down.

- How old are they?

- Sorry.

They're really old.

Can you be more specific?

I'd say around Ming Dynasty or so.

You kidding me?

- Wait.

- Hello?

My God! The coins!

You idiot!

The culprits appear to be coins.

Probably some quarters.

What's going to happen to those quarters?

Are they going to stay

in his stomach forever, or what?

No, nothing stays in your stomach forever.

He'll pass them in a few days

when nature takes its course.

We could administer a laxative,

but that boy is on so many meds...

...God knows what might happen.

He'll be released tomorrow morning.

Will the juices in his stomach

hurt the coins?

Are you trying to tell me

that you are worried about those quarters?

No. No.

I'm just curious. I've never seen anyone

swallow coins before.

I was just wondering what would happen.

- Where's my kid?

- You must be the mother.

Hello, I'm Dr. Welby.

- Your boy is going to be fine, Mrs. Smith.

- No thanks to my stupid brother.

I leave my kid with you for a couple

of hours and he almost buys the farm.

Who's that?

That?

That's Brian.

So, now that Mark's out of the picture,

you just take up with some man?

Brian is not just some man.

He's Mark's best friend.

I looked after that little brat...

...because you said you had to get

your life back together, not...

...go get laid.

My son almost died because of you, Kresk.

Scottie isn't the only one who got hurt.

I lost $0.75 in the whole deal.

Don't come near my son ever again.

You are such a loser.

Jeannie was right. I was a loser.

You see things differently

after you've held millions of dollars...

...of ancient Chinese coins in your hand

and then lost them.

So...

...the bridge.

Goodbye, cruel world.

Goodbye, cruel world.

I don't believe this.

Are you all right, old man?

Are you all right?

A**hole.

What?

You're a hero, Mr. Kresk.

Tragedy. Real tragedy.

So, how are you doing?

I'm Frederic Kerner...

...Mr. Bollingsworth's personal assistant.

You know our Mr. Bollingsworth

is a major industrialist?

Worth quite a lot of money.

Then why did he jump off a bridge?

No, he didn't jump. Sadly, he fell.

- I'm pretty sure he jumped.

- You're remembering wrong.

Probably all that icy water. He fell.

- Say that with me, "He fell. "

- He fell.

But he jumped.

A lot of people

are going to ask you questions today.

Doctors, members of the media, police.

It's very important that everybody knows...

...that Mr. Bollingsworth

is of sound mind and body...

...even if he's in a coma.

There's a gaggle of reporters downstairs

eager to hear the truth about him.

I don't want to talk to any reporters

right now, Mr. Kerner.

I'm still wet and I just want to go home,

catch some sleep.

Too bad you won't meet Gina,

Mrs. Bollingsworth.

She's so friendly.

Are you Mrs. Bollingsworth?

No, I'm Sergeant Meredith Kolko

of the police force.

"Cops Out of Uniform"?

- And you are?

- I'm just Thomas Kresk.

I saved the old man.

If you don't mind,

I want to ask you a few questions.

Great body.

- Excuse me?

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