Chain of Fools Page #5

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First off,

we don't want to be called "hired killers. "

That's what the cops call us.

We're hitmen.

Secondly, I didn't come here

to talk about my age.

I'm sorry.

Wait.

How much experience could you have?

Well, I don't like to brag, but...

...do you remember Senator Dove?

You killed Senator Dove?

I voted for him. He was a nice guy.

I liked him, too.

I would have voted for him

had I been old enough.

Yeah.

Paulie said he was floating you

the up-front money.

Yeah, don't worry. I'll have the money.

This is going to be really easy,

because this guy is mostly dead already.

Who do you want whacked?

Robert...

Robert Bollingsworth.

He jumped off a bridge.

He's in a coma at the hospital.

What's the matter?

You know Bollingsworth?

No, of course not.

I just recognized his name from the news.

They said he slipped.

They didn't say anything about suicide.

No. I was there. It was suicide.

He wanted to die and I stopped him,

that's why I want him dead.

What's wrong?

Suicide bothers me.

My mom and dad killed themselves.

I'm sorry.

My father killed himself, too.

That's horrible.

My parents were dentists.

After they did it, I dropped out

of high school and became a hitman.

Well, if you don't want to do

the Bollingsworth job...

I didn't say that.

- I'm sorry.

- There, there.

- Don't worry. I'll take the hit.

- Okay, okay.

Andy, come on, what's going on here?

Just coaching the boy in the fine art

of Indian wrestling.

- He's as strong as a bull, Kresk.

- Quiet.

...investigation into the robbery

of the Shiny New Enemies...

...headed by Sergeant Meredith Kolko.

We caught up with Captain Weaver

at headquarters. He remains optimistic.

This is a difficult case,

but we are in hot pursuit.

Every available man is working on this.

I can't tell you much,

but we are certain that this is the work...

...of a major crime syndicate.

Honey, I will never forget them.

Now, the dentist...

...he was kind of sexy,

in a white-trash kind of way.

But that scout...

...he was just a bad soul.

What happened here?

What's this?

Honey, that's just a pig.

The piggy bank I was telling you about.

At the hospital, I told you that meany

smashed a piggy bank over my head.

This is Avnet's coin collection

all on the floor.

He's like a little magpie.

He likes anything shiny.

- I need to find your boyfriend.

- Sugar, I need to find him, too.

You can take that in the kitchen.

Yes?

Hey, Meredith, how are you doing?

- It's okay if I call you Meredith, isn't it?

- That depends on who this is.

I thought you might recognize my voice.

It's Kresk.

You said I should call you

if I remembered anything about the case.

- Anything at all.

- And?

I remember something pretty big.

And I think maybe we should get together

and talk about it.

Why not just tell me now?

Okay.

I saw...

...Mr. Bollingsworth throw something

into the river before he jumped.

That's interesting.

- Yeah.

- How come you didn't mention this before?

Because it slipped my mind until now.

But I still think we should get together

and talk about it.

Maybe have some coffee...

Meet me at the Foo's Ho Ho.

You know where it is?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, I'll be there.

And Thomas?

Yeah?

I did recognize your voice.

- You're going on a date?

- Yeah.

But don't worry, I know what I'm doing.

Scottie, make sure you get some sleep.

The plane leaves for France in eight hours.

Screw you!

I think I made a mistake today.

I should have never floated that barber.

He won't cough up that money.

What are we going to do about it?

What do you think

we're going to do about it?

We're going to get our money.

- How?

- The old-fashioned way.

- Did you always want to be a cop?

- Yeah.

But some people claim I only did it

to restore my father's name.

Restore his name?

Dad was the perfect cop,

25 years on the force.

They even gave him the gold watch

and everything.

But then he changed.

First, he would just wear spurs

around the house.

Next came the six-shooter and the chaps.

Then he started riding a horse

and calling his captain Wyatt Earp.

They fired him, so...

...the garage.

What a coincidence.

My dad killed himself, too.

Really?

Hey, barber boy.

Hello?

We have like a giant Timber Scout here.

Why is he all tied up like that?

Who knows? It's probably

some weird sex thing that barbers enjoy.

- Should we untie him?

- We're not here to rescue anybody.

Go look for Kresk. Go look around.

Who tied you up?

The barber?

The kid.

- The kid. What kid?

- Death to all traitors!

Use the thumb press, Scottie!

Use the thumb press!

Ohio Valley thumb press,

like I showed you.

You want a piece of me?

Sit down.

I said, sit down.

All right, you're getting tied up.

Nice try, son.

- I'm proud of you.

- You shut up.

- You guys think you're real cool...

- He said, shut up.

- The barber, he ain't here.

- Obviously.

Well, what do you want to do about it?

Wait.

You know, this feels so good.

I've never talked about this.

Not even with my sister.

It's like our own little

two-person support group.

We got this whole

parental suicide thing going.

Like we're connected.

I came to tell you that A:

I can't find that Avnet character anywhere.

And B:
In what is quite a coincidence,

I've been hired to kill you.

This is a good thing.

I'll kill, forgive the pun,

two birds with one stone.

I'll get rid of an unsatisfied customer

and satisfy another at the same time.

Goodbye, Robert Bollingsworth.

- Visiting hours are almost up.

- I'll be done in a minute.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

That old man must really mean

something to you.

You take your time.

Okay.

Let me make a little confession.

Room Service.

Senator Dove?

No. Senator, wait.

No, don't do it. Let's talk about this.

- We can talk this over. Please.

- Goodbye, cruel world.

No!

Well, a job is a job.

Who are you?

I'm the hitman. Who are you?

- I'm the hitman. Kresk hired you, too?

- Who's Kresk?

- I was hired by Kerner.

- Who's Kerner?

Okay. Apparently a lot of people

want this old guy dead.

I've never been in this situation before.

What should we do?

- I don't know about you, but I'll kill him.

- Wait a minute.

If I don't kill him, I don't get paid.

My wife just had twins. I have to kill him

to keep my kids in diapers.

Listen, the guy who hired you

doesn't know about me.

And the guy who hired me

doesn't know about you.

If this old man gets a bullet in his brain,

it doesn't really matter whose bullet it is.

That's a good point.

But there is that sticky issue of pride.

This would be a big hit.

- This guy's famous, right?

- Look, I threw Senator Dove off a balcony.

I don't really need to add to my cachet.

Go ahead. Kill him.

If you insist.

But first, I'm killing you.

Wait a minute.

I don't quite see the angle here.

I'm eliminating the competition.

Clearing the field, as it were.

Any final words?

- Goodbye, cruel world.

- Sugar, I brought you some pamphlets...

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