Charlie & Boots Page #5

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BOOTS:
You should have seen you,

trying to bend in there

like a koala bear

trying to get in a matchbox.

CHARLIE:
Good thinking,

though, wasn't it?

BOOTS:
A foam cup, eh? She wouldn't

have got hers in a foam cup.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- There you go, fellas.

- Oh, thanks, love.

Where are you heading?

We're thinking about

going this way up to Emerald

and then all the way up to the Cape.

Oh, no worries.

Most people take the Roma road

but my hubby, Clive - he's a sales rep -

swears by the road straight north

and then you cut across

at a place they call Mongans Lane.

That's about 100 k's north of here.

Then get on to

the Emerald road from there.

He reckons it saves

about an hour and a half.

Sounds good to me. You know what

they say about local knowledge!

It's a good road?

Yeah. Yeah.

A bit of gravel,

about 40 k's, but no traffic.

No worries. Thanks for that.

Beautiful country

out this way, isn't it?

Yeah.

Which was the road she said to take?

Actually, I think this is it

coming up here, isn't it?

Mongans Lane. This is it here.

BOOTS:
Wow! Look at that.

The sky looks amazing.

BOOTS:
Bugger.

BOOTS:
It's not too bad.

It's just a burst radiator hose.

CHARLIE:
Can you fix it?

No. I haven't got any tools.

CHARLIE:
What do you expect?

You set off on some harebrained

bloody trip, half-cocked.

I haven't got a spare

radiator hose either.

CHARLIE:
You're a bloody d*ckhead.

You knew we were coming up here.

You should have brought a spare.

BOOTS:
Well, it wasn't exactly

a trip that I'd planned, Dad.

CHARLIE:
Oh, bloody useless.

What sort of an idiot

comes up here without his tools?

Me, Dad. Me.

Is that what you want to hear?

I mean, I'm not Graeme.

I mean, I'm doing my best here, Dad,

but I can't do everything.

I don't know what you want.

I want your mum back.

Well, I can't do anything

about that, Dad.

I mean, the same as I couldn't

do anything about Ben.

I want to go home.

BOOTS:
To do what, Dad? What?

Sit in the dark

and feel sorry for yourself?

F***, Dad! It wouldn't hurt

to cry, you know?

But you just cut yourself off.

You did it... I mean, you did it

when Ben died and you're doing it now.

You went on and on to me

with all this bullshit

about, you know,

"Don't let it destroy you."

And what are you doing?

You know, Dad, let's not pretend

that I don't know about loss.

Really!

Dad, my heart nearly stopped

when Ben drowned

and I have struggled every day...

I've got to tell you the truth -

it is not a day that goes by that l...

I mean, Mum was there when he died.

I mean, how did that happen?

I mean, she was looking after him.

I mean, they were playing

hide-and-seek, for God's sake.

Your mum struggled with that

every bloody day since.

I'd go to sleep at night

and wake up to her crying her eyes out.

I would have liked to cry with her too

but someone has to say

"Don't worry, love"

and "You'll feel better tomorrow"

and "It's God's will"

and whatever other pathetic bullshit

I could come out with.

You know Therese, I mean,

never forgave Mum for that?

And I got to be honest, Dad -

I wrestled with it too.

And you know what really gets me,

is that, I mean, despite all that,

I never got to tell Mum

I still loved her.

CHARLIE:
Oh, mate, she knew that.

I promise you, she knew.

BOOTS:
(MUTTERS) I need to cry.

CHARLIE:
I'll never forget

the night I first met your mum.

It was the footy club dance

at the Allansford Hall.

Oh, she was something.

Took my breath away.

She was the new school teacher

in town then

and every bloke in town was after her.

I remember Gary Flood,

Archie Witherspoon,

Joey Twigg...

(CHUCKLES)..in fact,

the whole bloody football team

was lined up waiting

to get a dance with her.

I thought to myself,

"lf I don't make a move now,

I'm gonna miss out."

As luck happened,

I spotted a gap in the pack,

sidestepped my way through

and asked her for a dance.

And she said yes.

Then the music started

and it was the bloody tangoette.

Tangoette?

CHARLIE:
The dance of love.

Oh, tough one.

Oh. (SIGHS)

Anyway, the next thing, there I was,

gliding across the dance floor,

cheek to cheek with your mum,

Gracie.

I was a pretty useful footy player.

You know, quick on me feet.

But I couldn't dance for sh*t.

(BOOTS CHUCKLES)

I was treading all over her feet

and kicking her shins and...

(SIGHS) Disaster.

So what did you do?

I did the only thing I could do,

the only decent thing to do -

I faked a hammy. (GROANS)

(LAUGHS) Fantastic.

Yeah, it worked.

Your mum helped me off

the dance floor...

..and then spent the next 45 years

looking after me.

Oh, God, I miss her. I miss her.

Yeah, I know.

(DOG PANTS)

MAN:
You blokes got some trouble,

have ya?

Oh, yeah. We've done

our radiator hose.

And where are you fellas

off to anyway, eh?

CHARLIE:
We're heading up the Cape.

I promised me son here

I'd take him fishing

at the northernmost tip of Australia.

MAN:
You blokes right?

Yeah, let her rip.

Got another rope?

Oh, no.

No worries, then. I'll just

double this one up, eh?

Sure. Thanks.

Alright. That should do it.

I was thinking, maybe just take it

a little bit easier this time.

MAN:
Yeah, righto.

Bloody hell. It's hard to see.

Oh, well, you don't need me, mate.

I'll have a little nap.

Bullshit!

We're doing 80!

Maybe they've forgot we're back here.

Sh*t, Dad, we're doing 100!

Didn't that waitress say

that her old man did 120 on this road?

But I bet he wasn't

bloody towing someone.

BOOTS:
This guy's trying to kill us.

- Whoa! Sh*t!

- (TYRES SCREECH)

Sh*t! We're doing 120 already.

(SIREN WAILS)

CHARLIE:
Uh-oh.

I want you to pull over.

You want us to what?

I want you to pull over.

Pull over?

This should be interesting.

You, uh...you might want to talk

to the guys in the other car.

Don't worry about them.

I'll deal with them in a minute.

(LAUGHS) He's a bright bugger.

You know you're being towed?

Oh? Oh, really?

And here we were, just about

to try and overtake the buggers.

Stay here.

Stay here? (LAUGHS)

BOOTS:
Uh, roger.

(SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER)

MAN:
There you go, fellas.

Yeah, uh, sorry about

the speeding ticket back there, eh?

Ah, no worries. Still can't believe

he tried to book us for tailgating.

What's going on?

What's goin' on?!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(COMMENTATOR SPEAKS

INDISTINCTLY)

(CHEERING)

(PEOPLE SCREAM)

- (FIRECRACKER POPS)

- Go on! Get out of it!

(MAN ON P.A. SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

BOOTS:
Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Bloody hell. Did you see that?

You'd have to be half mad, wouldn't you?

Don't forget, ladies and gentlemen,

coming up straight after this event -

the inaugural amateur challenge.

Which one of you would-be cowboys

out there in the crowd

wants to get on the legendary

buckin' bull, the mighty Dynamite?

Come up and put your names down.

We're gonna draw it

in about 10 minutes time.

All you would-be cowboys...

(CHEERING)

I need a leak.

Yeah, alright. I'll stay here.

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