Charlie & Boots Page #6

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You took your time.

MAN:
(ON P.A.) Right now it's time to

draw the name of the very brave man

who, shortly,

will be precariously perched

upon over one tonne

of angry fillet steak

on our feature bull named Dynamite.

What's that? What's that?

Well. it seems that it's going

to be easier than I thought.

There's only one man -

shall I say. with the kahunas -

game enough to mix it with the big boys.

Give him a round of applause,

ladies and gentlemen.

How about it? About to ride Dynamite -

Boots McFarland.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I'm f***ing what?

MAN:
(ON P.A.)

Come on up here. Boots.

What is wrong with you?

Boots McFarland, ladies and gentlemen!

My son! Give him a big hand.

Mate, no worries -

I had a good look at that old bull.

It's as gentle as a lamb.

Are you mad? There's no way

I'm gonna be able to ride a bull.

Mate, you think I don't know

cattle after all these years?

If he's a bucking bull,

I'm the next pope. Wave to the fans.

MAN:
You're gonna die,

you fat f... Whoa!

Thank God you're here, mate.

Thought we were gonna

have to cancel the event.

Huh, great.

You've obviously done this before.

- No.

- Really?

Well, this bloke

hasn't bucked this century.

The only thing you're in danger of

is this old boy falling asleep

and laying down.

Yeah. Now, when he gets out, he'll

just trundle around a bit, alright?

Huh.

Try and make it look dangerous

and jump off when you're ready.

Just bend that round the back again.

(BULL BRAYS LOWLY)

I've ridden a horse before.

Does that help?

Oh, well... (CHUCKLES)

..we'll be right, then, won't be?

Enjoy.

You ready?

BOOTS:
Yeah.

Our cowboy, Boots McFarland,

is raring to go.

Hey, Boots, give us a wave.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

MAN:
(ON P.A.) Now. Boots.

for climbing aboard.

you are already our winner.

We've got a dinner for two

at the Los Elmos

Emerald Mexican Cantina.

And also - this might help

dull the pain -

a dozen bottles of lnner Circle rum.

- (BULL GRUNTS)

- MAN:
Sh*t!

(CROWD CHEERS)

Oh, sh*t!

(BOOTS GRUNTS)

Oh!

Get away from... Get aw...

(MEN SHOUT INDISTINCTLY)

BOOTS:
Oh!

Oh, hey!

No, no, no, no, no! Hey!

Come on. Get out of here.

Go, go, go!

(BRAYS)

Run! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Well, what do you say now,

your holiness? (CHUCKLES)

(CHARLIE GRUNTS)

Huh! (LAUGHS)

(PEOPLE SCREAM)

- What'd I tell ya? Piece of cake.

- (SCOFFS) "Piece of cake."

- I know me cattle, mate.

- He was a big piece of cake.

Oh, how you doin'?

- This here is...

- Boots.

- Oh, Leilani.

- Beautiful day.

Hello.

Single.

What'd I tell you, mate?

All the girls love a cowboy.

Oh, yeah, Dad. I'm a cowboy.

I'm a hurt one.

That was part of me plan.

- Yeah, you had a...

- Hello.

You boys like a massage?

Oh, yeah, Boots here would.

Yeah. Actually, we both would.

- No, mate, l...

- Yeah, come on.

CHARLIE:
I've... I've never

had a massage.

Mate, no!

If you could just put these on.

On what?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, sure. Thanks.

Which is the front

and which is the back?

I think it kind of depends on

what kind of look you're going for.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Are you ready, boys?

Oh.

(LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYS)

(BOOTS CHUCKLES AND GRUNTS)

Uh...

(GRUNTS) Love, while I don't doubt

that you could change a tractor tyre

with your bare hands...

- You reckon?

- Yeah.

..just bear in mind

that you're working

on a vintage Rolls-Royce here.

Okey-dokey. (CHUCKLES)

Whoops! Not too high, love.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Don't wanna damage the gearbox.

Oh. (BOOTS GRUNTS)

- Dad, Dad.

- Yeah.

I dare you to ask

for the "executive finish'.

F*** off!

(LAUGHS) Oh-ho!

(UPBEAT MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS)

How are you feeling?

Bit sore, mate. How about you?

(CHUCKLES) Sore.

If I'd had come down

off that bull any harder

I'd have three Adam's apples.

(BROAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)

Buenas noches, amigos.

Sorry?

Oh, it means,

"Good evening, friends, " in Mexico.

My dad makes me say it.

He says it makes the place

more authentic.

BOOTS AND CHARLIE: Authentic.

Of course,

the moustache is real, right?

No. He makes me wear that too.

- Oh. (CHUCKLES)

- Get out!

Well, uh, amigo,

we are mucho hungry.

Righto, then.

Well, mucho gracias

and adios, amigos.

Oh, hooroo, amigo.

(CHUCKLES) See ya, mate.

- CHARLIE:
Very authentic.

- BOOTS:
Yeah, got me convinced.

CHARLIE:
(BURPS) Ooh.

What do you reckon's in a burrito?

BOOTS:
I don't know,

but it's in us now. (CHUCKLES)

Well, bugger me.

It's that Tristan's car.

You're kidding.

No.

What are you doing?

- Gonna hide it.

- That is so immature.

Not to mention childish.

- Gonna help?

- (SCOFFS) Yeah.

OK, steady.

- Just make sure the handbrake's on.

- Yeah, yeah.

(GRUNTS) You've never grown up,

have ya?

Bit late now. (LAUGHS)

- Shh, shh, shh!

- Gonna hide it behind that truck.

- Where you going?

- Over there.

CHARLIE:
Oh, ohh! Uh-oh!

BOOTS:
Oh, not good.

Not good, not good, not good.

That can't be good.

Uh, no.

CHARLIE:
Didn't his car

have four spotlights on it?

Uh, yeah.

(METAL CRUNCHES, ALARM BLARES)

CHARLIE:
So one day

God was sitting around in Heaven

on his La-Z-Boy recliner.

Well, he can if he wants to - he's God.

And he saw his son come in

and he said, "Jesus, lad, over here."

He said, "I've been

looking down at Earth

"and it's a terrible mess.

"I'm gonna have to send you down

there to straighten them out."

And Jesus said, "My pleasure, Dad."

"There's a bit of a drawback, though, " he

said.

"I'm gonna have to send you

as a human being.

"You'll be mortal

"and I'm afraid you're gonna

have to die for their sins."

Jesus says, "Ohhh, you know,

OK, your wish is my command, " etc.

He said, "Look, son,

the best thing I can do, though,

"is I can give you a choice

in how you're gonna die.

"You can either be crucified

"or you can be stung to death

by killer bees."

(CHUCKLES)

And that's the reason

that all over the world today,

Christians make the sign of the cross.

And not...

(LAUGHS)

(CHARLIE CRIES OUT COMICALLY)

BOOTS:
Alright, another one.

- There's two nuns, they're in a car.

- Oh, no!

Yeah, they're in a car

and this massive bat comes in

and it's kind of like Satan.

And it lands on the bonnet,

foaming blood and fierce,

kind of going, "Arggh!"

On the bonnet - "Rarr!"

On the bonnet, right?

And one of the nuns says,

"Quick, Maud, show him your cross."

And she goes, "Oh, good idea, "

and she winds the window down

and goes, "Get off the bonnet, you..."

BOOTS:
(SINGSONGS): "There was

a young man from McLeod

"Who was caressing a girl in the crowd

"When someone down front said..."

- No, no, no, no.

- No what?

That's the wrong limerick, son.

You've got two mixed up.

It goes like this.

"There was a young girl from Bude

"Who got on a tram in the nude

"When the vicar down front..."

A vicar? Rubbish, vicar!

That's not a limerick.

It has to rhyme with 'McLeod'

'cause the last line of the limerick

is "Just like that, out loud."

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