Chasing Amy Page #14

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BACK IN THE OFFICE - Holden stares at Banky.

HOLDEN:

He's full of sh*t.

BANKY:

Cohee's a lot of things, but an

exxagerator he's not. The dude's

Catholic.

HOLDEN:

She's never even been with a guy.

BANKY:

That's what she says. But I say her

on her hands and knees getting filled

out like an application constitutes

'being with a guy'.

HOLDEN:

He's pulling your chain. And the fact

that you even bought it for a second

makes you look like an idiot.

BANKY:

I'm getting your back, a**hole!

People don't forget sh*t like 'Finger

Cuffs'. And if it got out that she's

queer as well, how do you think it's

going to make you look?

HOLDEN:

I give a sh*t what people think.

BANKY:

Alright, forget about that; what if

she's carrying a disease? That was

just one story - what if there's more?

HOLDEN:

(grabs his coat)

You're such a f***ing a**hole.

BANKY:

What? Oh, it's not possible that

she's all crudded up? Cohee I can

vouch for as clean - the dude never

got laid in high school. But Derris

is an arch f***ing bush-man! Name me

one chick in our senior class that

Rick Derris didn't nail, for Christ's

sake!

HOLDEN:

Would you let this go? I'm telling

you - she's never even been with a

guy, let alone those two zeroes.

BANKY:

And I'm telling you, the b*tch could

be a bigger f***ing germ farm than

that monkey in 'Outbreak'!

Holden grabs Banky and pins him against the wall.

HOLDEN:

Give it a rest! Do you hear me?! I'm

tired of this sh*t! She's my goddamn

girlfriend, do you understand?! Show

her a little f***ing respect!

And if you ever even so much as

mention that Alyssa looks a little

peaked from now on, I'll put your

f***ing teeth down your throat!

He releases Banky. Banky brushes himself off.

BANKY:

Maybe I'll put your f***ing teeth down

your throat.

HOLDEN:

(walking out)

Not bloody Likely.

Banky runs to the open door.

BANKY:

(calling after him)

I've been working out you know!

(no response)

You better be ready to make that M-TV

deal!

The downstairs door slams. Banky makes a muscle, then

feels it.

INT TOWER RECORDS - DAY

Holden and Hooper peruse laser discs.

HOOPER:

Where's that b*tch partner of your's

been?

HOLDEN:

Sulking. He's having a real problem

with this Alyssa thing.

HOOPER:

I think it's more like Banky's having

a problem with all things not hetero

right about now. And I'm just another

paradigm of said aberration.

HOLDEN:

Banky does not hate gays, you know

that.

HOOPER:

But I do think he is a bit homophobic.

And this latest episode between you

and Ms. Thing has tapped into that.

In his warped perception, he lost you

to the dark side - which is she.

HOLDEN:

You make it sound like me and him were

dating.

HOOPER:

Don't kid yourself - that boy loves

you in a way that he's not ready to

deal with.

HOLDEN:

(beat)

He's been digging up dirt on Alyssa.

HOOPER:

And just what has Mister Angela

Lansbury uncovered about your lady

fair?

HOLDEN:

He heard some bullshit story that she

took on two guys.

HOOPER:

Really? Well then he's barking up the

wrong we if he wants to split you up,

isn't he? He's not going to make you

see the error of your ways by pointing

out how truly gay she's not

(holds up a disc)

This one?

HOLDEN:

Have it.

(beat)

Actually, it's kind of gotten to me.

HOOPER:

How so?

HOLDEN:

Banky's not known for believing

misinformation. He's got a pretty

good bullshit detector.

HOOPER:

So, what if it is true? Would that

bother you?

HOLDEN:

Sex with multiple partners?

Hooper lets our a faux-shock shriek.

HOLDEN:

At the same time.

Again, even louder, hands slapped against his cheeks.

HOLDEN:

Thanks for being so comforting.

HOOPER:

So what do you care?

HOLDEN:

Well that's the thing, isn't it? I

shouldn't.. but it gets to me.

HOOPER:

Kind of gal Alyssa is, you don't think

she's been in the middle of an all -

girl group-grope?

HOLDEN:

You see - that doesn't bother me. But

the thought of her and guys... Uh!

HOOPER:

Oh Holden, I beg you - please don't

drop fifty stories in my opinion of

you by falling prey to that latest of

trendy beasts.

HOLDEN:

Which is?

HOOPER:

Lesbian chic. It's oh-so acceptable

to be a gay girl nowadays. People

think it's cute, because they've got

this fool picture in their heads about

lipstick lesbians - like they all

resemble Alyssa - while most of them

look more like you.

HOLDEN:

Do I detect a little inter-subculture

cattiness?

HOOPER:

Gay or straight - ugly's still ugly.

And most of those boys are scary.

HOLDEN:

I thought fags were all supposed to be

super-supportive of one another.

HOOPER:

Screw that 'all for one' sh*t. I

gotta deal with being the minority in

the minority of the minority, and

nobody's supporting my ass? While the

whole of society is fawning over girls-

on-girls, here I sit - a reviled gay

man, and to top that off, I'm a gay

black man - notoriously the most

swishy of the bunch.

HOLDEN:

Three strikes.

HOOPER:

Hey, hey! There's a line.

A young BLACK KID approaches Hooper, holding a comic

book.

KID:

Are you Hooper X?

HOOPER:

(in militant mode)

A-salaam Alaikum, little brother.

KID:

Could you sign my comic?

HOOPER:

(signing comic; nods to

Holden)

See that guy there? He's the devil,

you understand? Never take your eye

off the Man. Our people took their

eyes off him one time, and he had us

in chains in two shakes of his snake's

tail.

The Kid offers Holden an angry look. Hooper gives him

back his comic.

HOOPER:

Fight the power, little 'G'.

KID:

Word is bond

The Kid leaves, Hooper slips back into his real voice.

HOOPER:

Look at what I have to resort to for

professional respect. What is it

about gay men that terrifies the rest

of the world.

(shakes his head)

As for this hang-up with Alyssa's

past, maybe what's really bothering

you is that your fragile fantasy might

not be true.

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