Chasing Amy Page #15

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HOLDEN:

What do you mean?

HOOPER:

Holden - don't even try to come off

like you don't know what I'm saying.

Men need to believe that they're Marco

f***ing Polo when it comes to sex -

like they're the only ones who've ever

explored new territory. And it's hard

not to let them believe it. I let my

boys run with it for awhile - feed

them some of that "I've never done

this before..." bullshit, and let 'em

labor under the delusion that they

rockin' my world, until I can't stand

them anymore. Then I hit 'em with the

truth. It's a sick game. The world

would be a better place if people

would just accept that there's nothing

new under the sun, and everything you

can do with a person has probably been

done long before you got there.

HOLDEN:

I can accept that.

HOOPER:

Honey, that almost sounded convincing.

Do yourself a favor - just ask her

about her past, point blank. Get it

out of the way, before it gets too big

for both ya'll to move.

(spotting something OC)

Oooh! 'Myra Breckinridge'!

Hooper trots off, Holden glances at the disc in his

hands. Pictured on it are two gorgeous chicks, barely

clad, making out. The title is 'Men Suck.. and so do

Girls - All XXX Action.'

INT HOCKEY RINK - NIGHT

On the ice, two teams clash, chasing the puck up and

back, checking galore.

In the bleachers, amidst a slew of fans, Alyssa watches

the game with a large degree of enjoyment. Sitting

beside her, Holden doesn't seem to share her enthusiasm.

ALYSSA:

Since most of these people are rooting

for the home team, I'm going to cheer

for the visitors. I'm a big visitors

fan - especially the kind that make

coffee for you in the morning before

they go.

(smiles at Holden; no

response)

That was a joke. A little wacky

wordplay?

HOLDEN:

What do you mean, 'visitors'?

ALYSSA:

Was I being too obscure? The kind

that - until recently - had no d*cks

and would spend the night.

HOLDEN:

So that was until recently!

ALYSSA:

Oh, yeah.

(shouting; to ice)

Hey - foul! Foul! He was traveling

or something!

HOLDEN:

So nobody bur me has stayed the night

at your place since we got together?

ALYSSA:

(beat)

Something on your mind, Holden?

HOLDEN:

No, I was just wondering,

ALYSSA:

If I've been 'faithful' or something?

HOLDEN:

Look, I was just asking.

ALYSSA:

(toucher his face)

Oh, sweetie. I only have eyes for

you.

(to ice)

CALL THAT F***ING SH*T, REF!! THE GUY

ON THE SKATES TOTALLY SHOVED ONE OF MY

GUYS!!

(to Holden)

I told you I was great at sporting

events. Imagine what a b*tch I could

be if I knew what was going on?

ON THE ICE - Things heat up between two opposing PLAYERS.

One snatches the puck away from the other and skates off.

The other Player gives chase.

Alyssa's very into the game. Holden shakes his head

HOLDEN:

That'd make Banky half right.

ALYSSA:

About what?

HOLDEN:

He said all the girls from North were

b*tches and sluts.

ALYSSA:

Really. I'm sorry - you two left high

school behind how many years ago?

(grabs his face and kisses

his cheek)

Can I put some of my books in your

locker?

(goes back to watching game)

HOLDEN:

(under his breath)

How about your yearbook.

ON THE ICE - The Player giving chase slashes the Player

with the puck.

Alyssa jumps to her feet.

ALYSSA:

(to ice)

IF YOU DON'T START USING THAT WHISTLE

I'M GONNA JAM IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR

ASS!!

(to guy next to her)

Right?

HOLDEN:

What's with 'Finger Cuffs'?

ALYSSA:

(sitting back down)

'Finger Cuffs'?

HOLDEN:

Yeah. In your senior yearbook your

nickname was 'Finger Cuffs'. What is

that?

ALYSSA:

It was? Sh*t, damned if I can

remember. I'd look it up, but I threw

all that sh*t our years ago?

(beat)

Where'd you see a North yearbook?

HOLDEN:

Do you know Rick Derris?

ON THE ICE - The Players skid into the corner where

Player One checks Player Two into the boards, hard.

Player Two scrambles to his feet and throws down his

gloves.

The crowd around Alyssa and Holden go wild.

ALYSSA:

Rick? Sure. We used to hang out in

high school.

(to ice)

PUNCH HIM IN THE F***ING NECK, NUMBER

TWELVE!!

HOLDEN:

Did you go out with him or something?

ALYSSA:

(eyes on the ice)

Date Rick Derris? No. We just hung

out a lot.

HOLDEN:

Just... you and him?

ALYSSA:

No. Me, Rick, and... um... what was

that guy's name...?

HOLDEN:

Cohee?

ALYSSA:

Yeah! Cohee Lundin. God, I haven't

thought about that name in years.

ON THE ICE - The Players square off. Player Two pulls

Player One's helmet off and punches him in the face.

Holden looks as if he'd Like to do the same to his

companion. Alyssa's into the game.

ALYSSA:

I remember those guys'd come over

almost everyday after school. They'd

bug my sisters, look for porno tapes

in my dad's closet, raid our fridge.

They really took advantage of my

parents never being home.

ON THE ICE - Player Two yanks at Player One's jersey and

gut punches him. Alyssa seems oblivious to Holden's

anger, so enthralled with the action is she.

ALYSSA:

(starts laughing)

This one day... Rick pulled out his

dick and chased me around the house

with it! Right in front of Cohee! I

couldn't believe it! Guys are weird -

I thought the whole size hang-up made

you all terrified to show your d*cks

to each other?

ON THE ICE - Player One staggers a bit, then quickly

rights his jersey and lunges at Player Two, landing a

barrage of his own punches. Blood sprays across the ice.

Holden's face is reeeeeaaaally sour looking. Alyssa's

still in the game.

HOLDEN:

Rick pulled his dick out? Really?

What'd you do?

ALYSSA:

(looks him dead in the eye)

I blew him while Cohee f***ed me.

ON THE ICE - Player One delivers the kill shot, slamming

his fist into Player Two's nose. The blood shoots out

like a geyser, and Two goes down hard.

Holden stares at Alyssa, flabbergasted. The crowd around

them stares not at the fight on the ice, but the fight in

their midst, shocked. Alyssa fumes.

HOLDEN:

Excuse me!?!

ALYSSA:

That's what you wanted to hear, isn't

it? Isn't that what this little cross-

examination of your's is about? Well

try not to be so obvious about it next

time, there are subtler ways of

badgering a witness.

(to Bystander)

Am I right?

BYSTANDER:

(to Holden)

Jeez, even I knew what you were

getting at.

ALYSSA:

(gathering her stuff)

If you wanted some background

information on me, all you had to do

was ask - I'd have gladly volunteered

it. You didn't have to play Hercules

f***ing Poirot!

She storms away. Holden chases after her. The Bystander

watches them go.

BYSTANDER:

(to companion)

I told you these were good seats.

INT RINK LOBBY / EXT PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Alyssa marches quickly, pulling on her coat. Holden

catches up to her. We track with them our into the

parking lot.

HOLDEN:

So it's true?!

ALYSSA:

Yes Holden! In fact, everything you

heard or dug up on me was probably

true! Yeah, I took on two guys at

once! You want to hear some gems you

might not have unearthed - I took a

twenty six year old guy to my senior

prom, and then left halfway through to

have sex with him and Gwen Turner in

the back of a limo! And the girl who

got caught in the shower with Miss

Moffit, the gym teacher? That was me!

Or how about in college, when I let

Shannon Hamilton videotape us having

sex - only to find out the next day

that he broadcast it on the campus

cable station?! They're all true -

those and so many more! Didn't you

know? I'm the queen of urban legend!

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