Chasing Amy Page #5

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HOLDEN:

(fake rage, dancing)

Hey, hey, hey - you f***ed up my

cabbage-patch!

ALYSSA:

Well, well, well - Bluntman himself.

Or should I call you Chronic!

HOLDEN:

Call me flattered. I heard you sent

me the invite to this little soiree'.

ALYSSA:

From a former home-town girl, to

Mister Home-Town himself.

HOLDEN:

You're saying you're from the 'burbs!

ALYSSA:

Middletown, N.J.

HOLDEN:

Get out of here! I'm from Highlands!

ALYSSA:

I know. Hooper told me.

HOLDEN:

How is it that we never ran into one

another?

ALYSSA:

You graduate from Hudson?

HOLDEN:

Yeah. Eighty eight.

ALYSSA:

I went to North. Also eighty eight.

HOLDEN:

What a small f***ing world. So you

know the tri-town area!

ALYSSA:

Quiz me.

HOLDEN:

Miller Hill?

ALYSSA:

I wrote my name on the wall.

HOLDEN:

Sandy Hook?

ALYSSA:

Lost my virginity there.

HOLDEN:

This is so cool. The mall!

ALYSSA:

Eden Prairie of Menlo Park!

HOLDEN:

Wait - here's the big test: Quick

Stop!

ALYSSA:

My best friend f***ed a dead guy in

the back room.

HOLDEN:

You know that girl!!

ALYSSA:

I did. Before she was committed.

HOLDEN:

You know what this is! This is fate.

ALYSSA:

(regarding her move)

No, this is the 'Rog'.

HOLDEN:

I was talking about us meeting - what

are the chances!

ALYSSA:

Pretty slim. I haven't been back to

the 'burbs since my friend's funeral.

HOLDEN:

The Quick Stop girl died!

ALYSSA:

Another friend - Julie Dwyer. She

died in the..

HOLDEN:

Y.M.C.A pool! Damn! You knew her

too!

ALYSSA:

So well.

HOLDEN:

One friend in an asylum, the other

friend in the grave. You're a

dangerous person to know.

ALYSSA:

But I can tap.

(does an impromptu tap dance)

That was the Buffalo Two-Step.

HOLDEN:

Very solid.

ALYSSA:

That's what six years of tap lessons

yields.

HOLDEN:

Two towns away from each other for

years and we had to meet in New York.

The Sand stops playing. People clap.

ALYSSA:

Coulda been worse - we could have not

met at all.

Holden looks at her.

OC SINGER:

Thank you. Thanks.

The SINGER on stage speaks into the microphone.

SINGER:

A long time ago, we used to have this

bass player who took off one day to

draw funny books or something. Maybe

you've seen her stuff - it's called

'Idiosyncratic Routine''

The crowd applauds. Alyssa shakes her head, smiling.

Holden pokes her.

SINGER:

But what a lot of people don't know is

that she used to harbor these

delusions that she could sing. And

she used to subject us to these

throaty renditions of Debbie Gibson

tunes and sh*t, insisting that we let

her front on a few numbers. Well, we

didn't and she quit.. and then she got

famous, the b*tch.

(crowd laughs)

But she's here tonight, and I think if

we all begged, or maybe offered her

some X, she'd get up here and treat us

to some of her vocal stylings.

(crowd applauds)

What do you say, Alyssa?

Alyssa shakes her head no. The crowd urges her. Holden

pushes her forward.

SINGER:

She's shy.

(yelling)

GET UP HERE AND SING, B*TCH!!

The crowd thunders. Alyssa offers the Singer an

embarrassed half-smile. She looks at Holden, who claps

along with the others and nods toward the stage. Alyssa

shakes her head and relents, heading through the crowd

Banky and Hooper stand at the bar.

BANKY:

This is so queer.

(he exits)

HOOPER:

(beat)

You don't know the half of it.

Alyssa jumps on stage, hugging the Singer. She takes the

mic, shaking her head. The crowd is applauding.

ALYSSA:

She is such a twat.

The crowd cheers. Alyssa laughs. She turns to the band

and says something which they nod. She turns back to the

crowd.

ALYSSA:

Alright. I should dedicate this,

right?

(thinks)

This is for that special someone our

there.

Holden smiles. Banky joins him. Holden glances at him.

Banky offers a mocking mimic of his smile.

The band starts playing. Cross cutting begins.

Alyssa launches into a torchy tune. The song is

extremely sexy - as is Alyssa who works the mic, making

direct eye contact with...

Holden. Or does she! Holden is smiling, being seduced,

Banky rolls his eyes. Beside Holden, stands a pretty

GIRL with a short haircut, who's also riveted by Alyssa's

performance.

Alyssa makes big-time eye contact with somebody out

there.

The song seems to be aimed at whoever she's looking at.

It's more than obvious there's a seduction going on, bur

of whom! At the end of the song, the crowd goes wild but

Alyssa's preoccupied. She points to someone in the

crowd, and curls her finger back in a 'c'mere' fashion,

urging whoever it is to join her. She jumps off the

stage.

Holden shakes his head sheepishly and looks downward, aw-

shucks style. At that moment, the Girl beside him leaps

forward. Banky's eyes widen. Holden looks up and is

suddenly taken aback.

Alyssa and the Girl race into each other's arms and fall

into a way-to-passionate-to-mean-anything-else kiss.

Holden's eyes bug. Banky allows a smile to creep across

his face. The crowd applauds. Banky looks around, and

for the first time, we get the distinct impression that

this is a lesbian bar...

There are a lot of chicks in this place. Gay chicks.

Banky looks at Holden and slaps him on the back.

BANKY:

Now that, my friend, is a..

(brings his fingers together,

mimicing Holden)

...shared moment

Holden continues to stare - mouth agape.

Alyssa and the Girl continue to kiss.

INT. HER-STERECTOMY - LATER

Banky, Holden, Alyssa and the Girl from the dance floor

sit around a table. Alyssa and the Girl continue to make

out. Holden and Banky casually watch, wide-eyed. Banky

stares a little harder. Holden hits him.

BANKY:

What?!

HOLDEN:

(under his breath)

That's rude.

BANKY:

Man, when are we ever going to get a

chance to see this kind of sh*t live

without paying for it?

Alyssa and the Girl break their kiss.

ALYSSA:

Uh-oh - better knock it off: we're

getting a man excited.

HOLDEN:

Sorry. It's just... new to him.

BANKY:

Oh, and you're an old hand at this.

ALYSSA:

No, I should apologize. I don't

usually get all mushy in public. But

it's been awhile since I've seen Kim

here.

KIM:

(formerly the Girl)

Tell me you didn't set that gross

display up with the band just so you

could nail me.

ALYSSA:

Like I'd have to go through that much

effort

KIM:

You know what! I want to dance.

ALYSSA:

Go ahead. I'll watch from here.

KIM:

(tugging at her arm)

No. I want to dance with you.

ALYSSA:

Don't be such a rag. I have to sit

here and work up the desire to f***

you later.

KIM:

Please.

Kim exits. Banky is smiling ear-to-ear. Alyssa looks at

him.

ALYSSA:

Yes?

BANKY:

You said 'f***'. To that girl. You

said you'd 'f***' her.

ALYSSA:

And?

BANKY:

How can a girl 'f***' another girl!

Were you talking about strap-ons or

something?

HOLDEN:

(hits him)

Would you shut up!!

BANKY:

What!!? It's a valid question. You

know the dyke stuff in the Penthouse

Letters section is written by guys -

this is our chance to get the inside

scoop.

HOLDEN:

(to Alyssa)

I don't know how many times I can

apologize for him.

ALYSSA:

It's okay. Secretly, all I really

want is to be the center of attention.

(to Banky)

I've never used a snap-on.

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