Chasing Amy Page #6

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BANKY:

Then what's with saying 'f***?

Shouldn't you say 'eat her out' or at

least modify the term 'f***' with

something like 'fist'?

ALYSSA:

Let me ask you a question - can men

'f***' each other!

BANKY:

Ask Hooper.

ALYSSA:

In your estimation.

BANKY:

Sure.

ALYSSA:

So for you, to 'f***' means to

penetrate. You're used to the more

traditional definition - you inside

some girl you've duped, jack-hammering

away, not noticing that bored look in

her eyes.

BANKY:

Hey - I always notice the bored look

in their eyes.

ALYSSA:

(laughs)

'F***ing' is nor limited to

penetration, Banky. For me it

describes any sex when it's not

totally about love. I don't love Kim,

but I'll f*** her. I'm sure you don't

love every girl you sleep with.

BANKY:

Some of them I downright loathe.

ALYSSA:

But I'll bet it's different with the

ones you love. I'll bet you go the

full nine when it's not just a quick

fix - like you go down on them longer

or something.

HOLDEN:

Here we go.

BANKY:

I don't do that.

ALYSSA:

What?!?!

BANKY:

I stopped dropping. It got to be too

frustrating.

HOLDEN:

As stupid as you usually come off

during this diatribe of your's, you're

going to come off ten times as stupid

on this occasion.

BANKY:

What?! I lost my tolerance for the

bullshit baggage that comes with

eating girls out. What's the big

deal?!

ALYSSA:

If you say the smell, so help me, I'll

slug you.

BANKY:

Not the smell - the smell is good.

I'm talking about not being able to do

it property. And my mother brought me

up to believe that if I can't do

something

right I shouldn't do it at all. Of

course, my father told me she gave

lousy head, but that's beside the

point.

ALYSSA:

At least you blame yourself for your

sexual inadequacies.

BANKY:

No, I blame them. Chicks never help

you out. They never tell you what to

do. And most of them are self-

conscious about that smell factor, and

so most of the time they just lay

there, frozen like a deer in the

headlights, right? Not for nothing,

but when a chick goes down on me. I

let her know where to go, and what the

status is. You gotta handle it like

CNN and the Weather Channel - constant

updates.

HOLDEN:

You're such an idiot.

ALYSSA:

No, he's got a point. That's how I

was in high school - I was nervous,

and inhibited about being eaten out.

But by the time I got to college, that

all changed. I loosened up. Not only

did I learn to communicate - I learned

to be bossy.

I was like one of those guys at the

airport with those big flash lights -

waving them this way, directing them

that way, telling them when to stop.

BANKY:

And that's all I'm saying, it'd be

different if chicks helped out -

pointed a guy in the right direction.

Then there'd be no bullshit, no wasted

time, and no chance for permanent

injuries.

ALYSSA:

Permanent injuries?

BANKY:

Sure. You wanna see something

permanent!

(pulls our front tooth)

I got this from Nina Rollins,

sophomore year. I'm going down on

her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps

on her stomach. She does this big ol'

pelvic thrust - cracks my tooth in

half, sends it down my throat. I had

to get a crown for the stub.

ALYSSA:

(to Holden)

I got that beat.

(to Banky)

I got that beat.

(half-turns and lifts chin)

Sophomore year. I'm going down on

Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after

we went club-hopping. I'm totally

drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall

asleep - right there in her lap. She

got so mad, she digs her heel into my

back, right there.

(points to scar)

That's permanent.

BANKY:

You see this!

(moves neck slightly right)

That's the farthest I can move my neck

to the right Sophomore year, I'm going

out with Maria Bennert, and for six

months, I'm going down on her, and not

a damn thing's happening.

Then one night, I change a position,

or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly

it's a whole new world. She's moving

around, convulsing, breathing heavy.

And her legs are pressing against my

ears so tightly that I don't hear her

father come into the room. He grabs

my hair...

(grabs his own hair and pulls

back)

...and he pulls me way back, hard.

ALYSSA:

(throws up her leg, and rolls

up pants)

Senior year. Spring Formal. I'm

eating our Missy Kurt in her brother's

car. She's laying across the back

seat, and I'm half-hanging out of the

car, my knees on the ground. She's

flailing around, and she knocks the

parking brake off. The car starts

rolling down the hill, and my right

knee is cut up all to sh*t like a

kiddy's scissor class cut it up for

paper dolls.

Banky and Alyssa laugh. Holden looks at a small scar on

his arm and thinks better about mentioning it. Then Kim

re-enters and plants a big kiss on Alyssa's neck.

HOLDEN:

(off Banky's watch)

Holy sh*t, is that the time. We've

gotta beat traffic.

BANKY:

What traffic - it's one thirty in the

morning!

HOLDEN:

(getting up)

And rush hour starts in six hours.

Let's go.

(to Alyssa)

Thanks for inviting us out. It was...

educational.

Alyssa waves at him as he exits. Banky slides out of the

booth.

BANKY:

(to Kim)

Since you like chicks, right..

do you just look at yourself in the

mirror all the time?

Holden reaches in and pulls Banky out. Alyssa watches

them go, then turns and kisses Kim.

INT. M-TV EXEC'S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY

Holden looks preoccupied. Banky flips through magazines,

biting off mini pieces of the gum he's chewing. He

sticks them between pages, presses the mag closed, picks

up another one and then repeats the whole process. A

Receptionist types.

BANKY:

(off Holden's look)

You're still dwelling on the dyke,

aren't you?

HOLDEN:

Lower your voice.

BANKY:

What'd I tell you - she just needs the

right guy. All every woman really

wants - be it mother, senator, nun -

is some serious deep-dicking.

The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky,

shocked.

BANKY:

(off her look)

Don't give me that look - I heard Adam

Curry say worse.

The Secretary goes back to typing. Banky shrugs at

Holden.

BANKY:

That's why I can't buy lesbians.

Everyone needs dick. See, I can buy

fags. Bunch of guys that need dick -

just plain need it? That I get.

Dykes? Bullshit posturing. But -

live and let live, I guess.

HOLDEN:

I'm sure the gay community appreciates

your support.

JOHN SLOSS, the boy's lawyer, joins them.

SLOSS:

Please tell me you haven't blown this

deal already.

BANKY:

Sloss like a mother f***er.

(slaps his hand)

SLOSS:

Hey, every mother but your's - a

shyster's gotta have his standards.

Shall we?

INT. M-TV EXEC'S OFFICE - DAY

The EXECS are a casual couple of guys, sitting on couches

across from our trio.

EXEC 1

We just want to start off by saying

that it's a pleasure to finally meet

you. While it's been - shall we say -

an experience dealing with Sloss here,

one of the main reasons we started

this whole thing was to meet the guys

that do 'Bluntman and Chronic'.

EXEC 2

(points at them)

'Snootchie Bootchies'.

The Execs and Sloss laugh. Holden and Banky politely

join in. Banky shoots Holden a 'these guys are idiots'

look.

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