Chasing Amy Page #8

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HOLDEN:

Isn't that the standard definition?

ALYSSA:

Again with the standards. I think

virginity is lost when you make love

for the first time.

HOLDEN:

With a member of the opposite sex.

ALYSSA:

Why? Why only then?

HOLDEN:

Because that's the standard.

ALYSSA:

So if a virgin is raped, then she's

still a virgin?

HOLDEN:

Of course not.

ALYSSA:

But rape is not the standard. So

she's had sex, but not the standard

idea of sex. Hence, according to

your definition, she'd still be a

virgin.

HOLDEN:

Okay, I'll revise. Virginity is lost

when the hymen is broken.

ALYSSA:

Then I lost my virginity at ten,

because I fell on a fence post when I

was ten, and it broke my hymen. Now I

have to tell people that I lost it to

a wooden post I'd known my whole young

life?

HOLDEN:

Second revision - virginity is lost

through penetration.

ALYSSA:

Physical penetration or emotional?

HOLDEN:

Emotional?

ALYSSA:

Well, I fell in love hard with Caitlin

Bree when we were in high school.

HOLDEN:

Physical penetration.

ALYSSA:

We had sex.

HOLDEN:

Yeah, but not real sex.

ALYSSA:

I move to have that remark stricken

from the record. On account of it

makes you come off as completely naive

and infantile.

HOLDEN:

Well where's the penetration in

lesbian sex.

Alyssa holds up her hand.

HOLDEN:

A finger? Come on. I've had my

finger in my ass but I wouldn't say

I've had anal sex.

ALYSSA:

Did I hold up a finger?

(waves her hand)

HOLDEN:

(beat; then he gets it)

You're kidding?!?!

(she nods)

How...?!?

ALYSSA:

Our bodies are built to pass a child,

for Christ's sake.

HOLDEN:

But doesn't it hurt?!

ALYSSA:

Sure. But in a good way. And it's

only a once-in-awhile thing - reserved

for really special occasions.

HOLDEN:

What about not-so-special occasions?

ALYSSA:

Tongue only.

HOLDEN:

But how can that be enough? I mean,

let's be real - how big can a tongue

even get?

Alyssa swallows what she's chewing and releases her

tongue, which is just huge. Holden is transfixed.

Alyssa wraps it back up and smiles, standing.

ALYSSA:

Let's go.

She exits. Holden remains in the swing. Alyssa comes

back in.

ALYSSA:

Come on.

HOLDEN:

Just...uh... just give me a moment.

INT AIRPORT - DAY

Holden enters. Banky tries to balance way-too-much

luggage.

HOLDEN:

Look at you. It's a two day trip.

BANKY:

I got the Sega in one bag, my clothes

in the other, and two months worth of

unread comics in this one.

HOLDEN:

We're going to a convention, for the

love of God. We'll be busy from ten

'till eight each day.

When are you possibly going to have

time for any of that sh*t? In fact,

f*** it - you're leaving some of this

sh*t here in a locker. Come on - give

me the two that aren't clothes.

BANKY:

Hold on.

(starts rifling through one

bag)

HOLDEN:

What are you doing?

BANKY:

I just have to get something.

(pulls out a huge stack of

porno books)

HOLDEN:

Who are you, Larry f***ing Flynt?

What are you going to do with all of

those?

BANKY:

Read the articles. What do you think

I'm going to do with them? They're

stroke books.

HOLDEN:

You've got like thirty books there!

We're only there for two days!

BANKY:

(leafing through mags)

Variety's the spice of life. I like a

wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the

mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I

like them arty and air-brushed. Some

times it's a spread brown-eye kind of

night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl

time. Sometimes a steamy letter will

do it, sometimes - not often, but

sometimes - I like the idea of a chick

with a horse.

A beeping sound is heard. Holden checks his beeper.

HOLDEN:

Go check us in. I've gotta call

Alyssa.

BANKY:

His master's voice.

HOLDEN:

Put that stuff away.

Holden exits. Banky starts packing his mags up. A

little KID enters, staring at him.

KID:

What are those?

BANKY:

(looks at kid then books)

Do you Like horsies?

Holden finishes dialing the phone. Cross cut between him

and Alyssa at home.

ALYSSA:

I hope for the sake of the women

you've dated that you're only this

quick in returning calls.

HOLDEN:

What's up? I'm about to get on a

plane.

ALYSSA:

Ohhh. Why!

HOLDEN:

Last minute invite to the Dragon Con'.

ALYSSA:

Sh*t.

HOLDEN:

What?

ALYSSA:

My sister's at my parents'. I was

gonna go see her.

HOLDEN:

The one that wrote the book?

ALYSSA:

Yeah. But I was staying all weekend,

and I wanted to hang our with you.

This sucks.

HOLDEN:

You didn't get invited to the Con'?

ALYSSA:

I don't do southern con's - all the

chicks have that annoying drawl. You

know how hard it is nor to laugh when

someone moans "Fuhhk me"?

HOLDEN:

Well this sucks.

(thinks)

You know - both of us don't have to

go.

ALYSSA:

Really?

HOLDEN:

Yeah. Banky can go by himself. It's

not like we're on a panel. It was

just a signing appearance.

ALYSSA:

If you come pick me up, I'll be your

best friend.

HOLDEN:

(beat)

Where's your apartment?

ALYSSA:

I'm not there. I'm at a friend's - in

the Village. Corner of Houston and

Mercer. Number eighty six, apartment

6-D.

HOLDEN:

I'll be there in half an hour.

ALYSSA:

You're so easy.

They hang up. Holden reacts to something OC and exits

quickly.

C11. Banky points to pictures in the book. The kid looks

on.

BANKY:

...And then Black Beauty couldn't take

it any longer, and he finally did some

of his own mounting.

KID:

(off book)

Wow.

Holden grabs Banky's arm and drags him away.

HOLDEN:

What are you doing?

BANKY:

(waving to kid)

I think I want kids of my own one day.

They're fun.

HOLDEN:

Listen to me - I'm not going. You're

going to have to do this one by

yourself.

BANKY:

What? Why?

HOLDEN:

Alyssa's coming down for the weekend,

so I want to hang out with her. You

don't need me for this.

(taking his excess baggage)

Meantime, I'll take this stuff home.

You can keep the filth. I'll pick you

up at nine Sunday night, alright?

Don't forget to plug the Annual and

don't mention the t.v. show, okay?

Call me if you get bored.

And he's gone. Banky stands there, open-mouthed. A

check-in FLIGHT ATTENDANT comes up to him. His name-tag

reads 'Frank'.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Checking in, sir!

BANKY:

(still watching Holden go)

Hunhh!

(looks at F.A.)

Yeah. But this is carry-on.

F.A.

Federal aviation security law requires

me to ask if you've been given any

strange gifts or parcels to carry-on

since arriving at the airport today.

BANKY:

(thinks)

Not this trip. But one time, when I

was using curb side check-in, this sky-

cap gave me a cock ring and a set of

anal ben-wa balls. I always thought

that was pretty strange. He said his

name was Frank.

(looks closely at him)

Hey! You're name's Frank!

Banky storms away. The Flight Attendant watches him go.

F.A.

F***ing kids.

EXT APARTMENT 6-D - DAY

Holden knocks at the door. It opens. A WOMAN is

standing in the doorway in her bra She looks Holden up

and down and smirks.

WOMAN:

Let me guess - 'the right man'?

HOLDEN:

Excuse me?

WOMAN:

You've got it in your head that

Alyssa's not really into chicks - that

she just hasn't met the right man.

And you believe you're it. You're

going to treat her right, f*** her

like a stud, and 'straight-jacket' her

back from the land of the lost. And

the sad truth is that you'll

accomplish none of that and wind up as

either an even more bitter misogynist

or a reverse fag-hag.

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