Cheaper by the Dozen Page #4

Isn't that sweet? No.

Okay, look, why don't you just come over

on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics.

- All right. Bye.

- Tell me Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too.

Yes, he very well

might be, young lady.

And do not set

his pants on fire again.

- Yes.

- Classic.

It was just his pants.

Is anybody besides me thinking

our happier and stronger life...

was actually code

for "nastier and suckier"?

First, Dad forces us

to move.

Then Mom decides to become a career

person and, like, travel the globe.

Now we have to take orders

from Hank, the model/actor?

- And he hates kids too.

- Ow!

Nora's blind to his evil. We have

no choice but to intervene.

We've got 48 hours.

Let's work a plan.

All right, Appleschmear season

is officially open.!

The president of the United States,

Sarah Baker...

will throw out the first apple.

Come on. Bring on the chin music, baby.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Oh,yes.!

Ho, it's an apple!

And now it's sauce.

And that's a beauty!

Mmm! Mmm!

Whoa!

Appleschmear. It's the game my

Great-Grandma Gilbreth invented.

Neat.

Time out.

Nora's here.

- Nora! Nora!

- No! No, no, no, no!

Kids, please do not touch

the LeBaron. Just had it detailed.

Hey, whoa, Tom.

Tom, can we please, uh...

ask the kids to respect

the perimeter around the LeBaron?

Hey, hey, respect the perimeter, kids.

Come on. Respect-

Back up. Back up.

Nora. Nora, welcome.

- Come on.

- It's a luxury automobile, kids.

- Not your daddy's Oldsmobile.

- This is for you. Congratulations.

- Come on.

- I wanna hear all about it.

- It's very fancy.

- Now, about the babysitting.

Battle stations.

Heads up, Hank!

Yo, Hank.!

Phase one complete.

Sorry about your clothes, Hank.

We'll have 'em dry in no time.

"Sorry about your clothes, Hank.

We'll have 'em dry in no time. "

What is with the staring?

Just stop looking at me.

Chopsticks.

Open meat bucket.

Oh!

Begin underwear soaking.

So, um, how's the acting

career going, Hank?

If it was goin' any better,

there'd have to be two of me.

Yeah, we saw you in the commercial

with the gargling- the mouthwash ad.

You know, the remarkable thing

about my career is...

I only started acting, uh,

a month ago...

and, uh,

I'm already on TV.

It's the real deal. The career

is white hot, Tom. It's on fire.

I read that most actors end up

in the food service industry.

That's not gonna happen

to Hank, Kim.

Candidly,

I, uh, think Nora's right.

It's really- It's gettin' so as I can

hardly go out in public anymore.

I mean, really, with-between the

autograph hounds and the paparazzis-

Autographs and everything?

I mean,just the one commercial...

and you have paparazzi?

Yeah. I've-I've actually-

I've never actually seen them...

but, you know, they hide

in the bush and they get their shot.

The crazy thing is that now we're trying

to sit at home like regularjoes-

Yeah, well, honey, it's-

And we're watching TV, right?

And, boom, comes on a commercial,

and, bam, there's me.

It's, like, you expect to see yourself

in the mirror...

you know, and you expect

to be lookin' at the handsome devil...

but not on-

not on the TV like it is.

It's, like, bam.! Bam.! You turn

the channel. You're tryin'to...

you know, get it out,

and it's-itjust keeps poppin'up.

It's like I can run from me,

but I can't hide from me.

What a nightmare!

Yeah.

Nora, honey, you wanna

help me in the kitchen?

Nora, stop!

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie,

look at a picture of Grandma, say the rosary?

- Come on, kids. Here we go. Everybody out.

- I'll be back.

Tommy.

Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

Gunner!

Save it, boy.

- Hey!

- Hey.

There you go.

You look as good as new.

- Yeah. Not as good as you, chief.

- Yeah, anywhere.

- How sweet.

- You know what you want?

Kate, is this- is this

orange juice freshly squeezed?

Nora and I are on

a bit of an organic diet...

and we're only goin' with

the organic freshly squeezed...

and it tastes a bit

like Tropicana.

He's a winner.

Gunner, no!

Release the hound.

All right, charge!

You guys poppin' out

another one any time soon?

Just... curiosity.

Gunner!

- Gunner!

- Gunner!

It's Gunner.

Honey, he's-

he's really digging in.

Sorry, babe.

Gunner, stop! Sit-Sit down!

- He's attacking.!

- Stop it, Gunner.

- Oh, my. Well, he's hungry.

- Stop it, Gunner.!

Gunner!

Get him off!.

Get him off!.

Nora! Nora, we didn't

want you to go.

Look, let's just get

something clear.

Even though you guys live

near me now, I have my own life.

It's mine.

Not ours- mine.

Nora.! Would you please

get in the LeBaron?

- I beg of you.!

- My loyalty is to Hank now...

and that's the way

it's gonna be.

In the living room,

now!

Let's go!

Your neighborhood canines have

completely ruined the LeBaron's paint job.

I'm sure my family

will pay to repaint it.

Good, 'cause I'm sure

payin' for your family.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- I think you know what it means.

You soaked his underwear

in meat.

That is so wrong.

Funny, but wrong.

Now, who was

the mastermind...

in the meat-soaking plot

against Hank?

You were the masterminds?

Step back, please.

You have a dark gift,

Sarah Baker.

But it's going to cost

everyone a month's allowance.

Do you wanna make it two?

Now, when your mother

leaves tomorrow...

I'm gonna need everyone

to pull their own weight.

Now, go upstairs

and go to your rooms!

Soaking his underwear in meat?

I mean,

how do they come up with that?

If I could just harness that ingenuity and

channel it into something constructive.

Yeah, like getting somebody

to help you out while I'm gone.

I can handle it, even without

the better half of the tag team.

I know, honey. I'm just worried.

I've never left the kids-

- Honey, it's three days!

- I know.

I'm just-

I'm gonna miss 'em.

Okay, I froze some dinners. And

make sure they get to school on time.

It's their first day, so you know

how nervous they're gonna be, all right?

And, kids, don't worry. Mom can be back from

New York in two hours if something happens.

Really, it's only one hour

with the time difference.

All right, I hugged everybody. I love you

all. One more hug, and you guys pass it on.

All right? All right,

thank you, sweetheart.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

- Okay. All right. Do I have everything?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All right.

- Bye, Mom.

- Bye.

- I love you.

- Yeah, yeah.

Have a safe flight.

Got the whole neighborhood

out to say good-bye, huh?

Bye, Mom!

Little vampires,

my plan worked.

She's gone. Now I can raise

you children the way I want to!

Come on. It's gonna be fun.

I mean, your dream has come true.

Mom's gone.

Weak old Dad is here.

You can get away with murder.

You can do anything you want.

Dylan's birthday party

is coming up.

You can get all hopped up on ice cream

and sugar and cake and go crazy.

You kids are gonna

do great today, I promise.

What is that?

Moo!

I guess he's the funniest guy

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