Cheaper by the Dozen Page #5

in the herd.

Walk much?

- Hi!

- Hey!

- Look at you, Diane.

- Look at you. You did not have 12 kids.

- Yes, I did.

- Girl, I can't even manage a boyfriend.

- Well, who can? Look at this room!

- Oh, it's great.

- Isn't it great?

- Listen, we've got big plans for the book.

- Really? I'm so-

- Ta-da!

Oh, come on!

Look at it!

- Isn't it great?

- It's fantastic. I love it. Look at this.

The company wants it

in stores by Christmas.

- Christmas?

- Yes. So, tomorrow...

the marketing people will bring you

up to speed on the book tour.

- A-A book tour?

- Yes. We've got talk shows...

book signings,

personal appearances.

And it's only gonna take

a couple of weeks.

Couple of weeks? Oh, no.

I can't be away from the kids that long.

Well, if there's no book tour,

then there's no book.

- Two weeks?

- Kate...

you've been the primary caregiver

for, what, 22 years?

Can't Tom handle the kids

for a while?

They're all going to end up

on milk cartons.

Gil- Gil, Decker and Rico

are playing too loose at the corners.

We need to pull them in.

Sarah, dishwasher! I'll-I'll come by tomorrow

after I drop the kids off at school...

and we can talk out

some offense variations.

All right. No, I gotta go.

I gotta go.

Dad, Nigel hit Kim with a dart,

and I assume he will be punished.

Uh,Jake, get me a Band-Aid, okay?

Here, here.

Go stir. You like to stir.

Here, let's take a look at it.

Let's take a look, see if it's okay.

- Oh, no, I'm just kidding.

It's actually not- - Uh, Dad?

- Yeah?

- This goo's on fire.

Oh, no, no. That's the way Daddy likes it!

Likes it hot and nice and spicy!

Yeah. Here we go.

There we go. Got it. All right.

- Hey, Dad.

- Oh, good. Can you get a Band-Aid?

- No need to say hello.

- Not one other kid in this neighborhood does chores.

Well, we're not like any

other family in the neighborhood.

Right. So,

why do we live here?

Dishwasher, now!

Jessica, can you get these plates

and put 'em on the table, please?

Oh, God. What the-

Mike's athletic cup?

Ow!

Oh!

Pasta de la Crotch.

- Is that blood?

- No, it's just a-

Oh! Clean-up on aisle 12!

Anybody?

You need help

cleaning up, Dad?

- I'm in puke!

- Are you all right?

- Still need help cleaning up?

- No, you mopped it up enough with your back.

Oh, disgusting!

Where's the Band-Aid?

- Dad, it still hurts.

- Oh, here, let me look. Let me look.

Nora, where's that Band-

Jake put a bucket on Jessica's head,

and it's stuck.

And when they have a free moment,

let my parents know that...

I came by to tell 'em

I got a job today at an ad agency.

Nora- Nora!

- Dad, a little help here.!

- Nora!

Nora.!

Are you all right?

- You are in over your head, mister!

- I'm so sorry.

I mean, I will- I will call-

It's just my wife is out of town.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come here. Come here.

- Dad, can I killJake now?

- No, you finish washing the car first.

- Dad, can you get this Band-Aid on me?

- Yes, yes. Come on. Come on.

- Let's go. Okay, come on. Everything will be all right.

- Oh,Jake?

- Give me the Band-Aid. - That's the

last time you put a bucket on my head.!

Does that hurt? Okay, good.

There it is. All right, good. Good.

Hey, Nigel, wanna play darts?

No! No playing darts!

I told you that!

- Hello?

- Hi. How's it goin'?

Oh, everything's fine. I'm just, uh-

I'm just here. I'm just, uh, making dinner.

- Yeah.

- Dad, check me out.!

- Isn't this awesome?

- How are you?

- Good, I guess.

- Sorry, Dad.!

I mean, it's kind of weird

having all this free time.

- You sure everything's all right, honey?

- Oh, honey, everything's fine.

I can handle it.

All right, you know, I'm just used to

tag-teaming to manage the mob.

- So I thought-

- Oh, no. They're like kittens.

- Whoa!

- Sorry, Dad.!

Uh, well, this might be a good time then

to talk about me staying a few extra days.

- What? A few extra days?

- Uh, 14, give or take.

What did I say about throwing darts?

That's a lot of days, Kate,

and a couple of key games.

All right, but I have a plan.

If we just take it one day at a time...

and if you start to get overwhelmed

or the kids stage a coup...

you call me up, I'm home,

end of trip.

Well, uh, s-s-sounds good.

Sounds good.

Got him in the face!

Okay, honey, thanks for doin' this.

Give me someone.

Oh. Hey, uh, you know what?

They're doing homework right now...

and it's that math, uh, trig

- "trigadronomy" thing that you and I just aren't very good at.

And it's the sweetest thing.

They formed a little study group...

and they're helping each other,

and, uh, it's like a little mini, uh...

think tank thing.

And I'd just hate

to break that up.

Well, give everyone my love, and

you call me right after dinner, okay?

- Okay. Will do.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Come on, Dad. Don't hide in the closet.

Take it like a man.!

Two weeks'll go by in

no time, guys. You'll see.

Yeah, right.!

Yeah, right.

Yeah?

- Hey.

- What's up?

- Okay?

- Come in.

Look,your mom's not coming home

for a couple of weeks.

What?

Okay. Up till now,

I've been, like, mellow...

about this whole having-it-all lifestyle

that you and Mom are currently into...

"A," because Sarah has the drama

queen role totally covered...

and "B," because I've benefited

from your salary spike...

in various shallow

but nonetheless pleasing ways.

But, Dad, check it out. This afternoon,

Mike was repelling from the roof...

Nigel was using Kim

as a human dartboard...

and you employed your son

as a vomit mop.

Call me crazy, Pops, but things are getting

pretty twisted around here.

I need to hire some help.

As in a babysitter? Okay,

that is so not happening.

Dad,just call Mom and tell her

we need her back home.

I just can't do that right now,

not with all the work she's done.

It just wouldn't be fair.

Well, then why don't you

spend more time at home?

Honey, that's just not

an option right now.

I've got a big job,

a job that I love.

I'm gonna have to

call in some backup.

Hello.

Uh, my name is Tom Baker, and I'm

interested in hiring a domestic helper.

Um, I have 12 children.

Actually, I'm serious.

- Just 12.

- Twelve.

There's only two.

Oh, plus 10.

How many kids? Well, uh, when

you get here we can just count 'em up.

Well, there's 12.

But one doesn't live with me...

and one you never see

'cause he's so mad.

Uh, a dozen?

Just-Just-Just 12.

Hello. I'll just hang up on myself.

- Hey, Dad.

- Hey, Mike. What's up?

- It's Mark.

- Right. Mark. What's up?

I don't get this math homework.

Hey, you know what? I've got a game

I'm not nearly prepared for.

Could you go ask one

of your sisters to help you?

Yeah. Okay.

Forget it.

Hello. Yeah,

could you do me a favor...

and send up 12 pillows

to 504?

Yes.

Thank you.

Mmm.

That'll be good.

"Hey, kids,

I had to get to work.

"Lorraine and Kim,

you're in charge of breakfast.

Henry and Jake, lunches.

Charlie, handle drop-offs. "

Come on, Charlie. We're gonna be late.

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote