Cheaper by the Dozen Page #7

in fancy, nice, clean clothes.

And, Tom, if you could please supervise this

one last thing, I would really appreciate it.

Okay? All right. Bye.

Sounds like somebody

got his jimmy whipped.

Jimmy whipped!

Mommy!

Beans, you okay?

Go get dressed, guys.

Hello.

Oh, it's me. Yeah. My flight

was delayed. They lost my luggage.

I'm gettin' there

as soon as I can. Sorry.

Okay. Those are

for Oprah's people!

- Is the house clean?

- We're working on it, Kate.

Okay. I'll see you when I see you.

Okay, guys, good job!

Go inside and get cleaned up.

Come on! Hustle up!

Hustle up! Let's go!

Camera truck's here.!

I need warm water!

Look out, Dad!

Don't make a mess

in the kitchen!

Hello? Uh, Baker house?

- Yeah. You guys from Oprah?

- Yes, sir.

- She's really gonna be here?

- Any time now.

Okay, well,just, you know,

set up anywhere.

- Will do.

- Let's go, guys.

All right.

Let's set up over here, guys.

- Knock much?

- You got kicked off the team.

Well, look who decided

to be a parent!

Let's check

that attitude, Charlie.

I don't fit in this town, Dad.

I'm going back to Midland.

You are not dropping out of school,

and you are not walking out on this family.

What family?

Since we moved here, everybody's been looking

out for number one, especially you and Mom.

Your mother and I are doing

what we think is best for everyone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You did not

take this coaching job for us.

You took this because you were a loser

in college while Shake was being a superstar.

If you want your shot at glory, if you wanna

have it all, you do what you gotta do.

But quit feeding us this line about being

a happier and stronger family.

This move was about you!

And you know what?

I don't have to sit here and pay the price

for your life choices. I'm leaving.

You're staying.

Are you gonna make me?

Charlie, I love you.

I want you to have

the best life you can have.

And that means you're

getting a diploma.

When I graduate, I'm gone.

Hey, Charlie, am I looking

okay for national TV?

You know, you turned into

a jerk when we moved here!

- Everybody turned into a jerk

when we moved here.

Charlie?

Mom's home.!

- Mommy!

- Mommy!

- Mommy! Never go away again!

- Hi.

- Mom, listen up. Here's the sizzle.

- I missed you, honey.

Okay, Dad is stressed to the point

of a total meltdown.

Charlie's like a half a step away

from juvie, and Mark's-

Okay. Oprah's coming.

We'll talk about it later. Here we go.

- Whatever.

- I just wanna get everything ready.

- What's the deal with Charlie?

- Fine, thanks. How are you?

- I'm sorry. Hi.

- Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.

- What?

- Don't worry. I'm handling it.

Shake. President Gerhard.

- Tom.

- Tom, we need a minute.

Please don't die, Beans.

The university is prepared to make

an investment in the program...

but we want some assurances.

- What does that mean?

- We wanna know you're committed to the football program.

You have to decide who's making

the bacon and who's cooking it.

So what's it gonna be, Tom?

Tom, didn't you pick up

my dry cleaning?

Yes, dear.

It's in the front closet.

Well, I guess the wife

just answered our question.

The wife's name

is Kate, Shake.

What a wiener.

We want an answer by Monday,

Tom. This meeting's over.

I'm all right.

I love you.

I'm gonna go get ready.

Sorry, Dad.

What's this?

Hank slept over.

Do you have a problem with that?

Yes, I have a problem with that!

This house is G-rated.

Whoa, chief.

Look, Nora's a big girl.

Now would be

an excellent time...

for you to be

very, very quiet...

chief.

Now, get dressed

and get downstairs.

Whoa.

I just- I can't believe you let

things get this bad around here.

- I can't believe it.

- What can I say?

You didn't pick the perfect

moment to have a career.

Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even

gonna touch that hypocrisy.

You told me to go to New York.

Mr. I Can Handle It.

"Everything'll be okay.

Go, Kate!" Help me, would you?

So you're telling me you didn't

want to go to New York?

No. I want a lot of things.

So do you.

- That's the problem.

- This isn't working.

- Yeah. That's my point.

- I meant the zipper.

Let's just get through

the next hour, okay?

- Fine.

- Fine.

Okay, everybody.

I know it's been a difficult day...

but I need all of you, and I would appreciate

it if you could just put on happy faces.

Everything's great.

We're a big, happy family.

If you can remember the lines

I told you to say to Oprah.

If you can't remember, don't say

anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.

Mom, Beans is dead.

Nobody cares

about your stupid frog, FedEx.

Stop calling me that!

Don't you dare call him that.!

- All right.! Hey.!

- Stop it! Stop it!

What's the name

of this segment again?

Uh, "One Big Happy Family. "

Okay, I'm calling

Oprah's people right now.

All I'm saying is,

families are inevitable.

It's like death or taxes.

Does that mean

you don't want children?

- Leave him alone.!

- Hello!

Look at these-

They're monsters!

- Honey, you can't want this.

That's why you're with me.

Nora.! Come on.!

We need you down here.!

You're stepping on me.! Stop.!

Nigel, get off

your brother's head.!

Get off me!

Nobody cares about me!

- Nobody cares about me!

- Mark, what's going on?

- Mark.! Mark.!

- What are you talking about?

- I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before!

- No! None of that!

- Hey! Hey!

- No, you do not want to come down here.

No, it's the farthest thing

from a happy family.

Why am I the only normal

person in the family?

Feel free to sleep

on the couch.

You read my mind.

Daddy, are you and Mommy

gonna get a divorce?

Come here.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mark's gone.

- Mark's gone.

- What?

Hey, Dad.

What I said before-

I was out of line.

Forget it.

You were right.

Mark!

Hello.

Hey, Mark ran away.

Is he with you?

No. We'll come

help you look.

There's me! Oh.

- Mark's missing.

- Oh.

Take it to the max. Tommy Max.

Let's go.

I look great.

Did you not hear me?

My brother is missing!

No. Did you not hear me?

I'm on TV!

What was that for?

Oh. What do you want?

My son Mark ran away.

He's not here, is he?

I always knew one of your kids

would land on a milk carton.

Twelve is just

too big a number.

- We'll help you look for him.

- It's-It's past Dylan's bedtime.

We're gonna

look for him, Tina.

- Thank you.

- Sure.

Let the police handle it!

You'll never find him!

Oh, we'll find him. Like you said,

- Mark! Mark!

- Mark.!

He's about, about-

about that high.

He's got red hair and glasses.

There's a photo, and you can keep that.

No luck.

I've been everywhere.

Thanks for looking.

- Where's Hank?

- He's not gonna make the cut.

I hope the family

isn't to blame.

They're totally to blame.

I'll have officers check

the train and bus stations.

- He wouldn't get on a train or a bus.

- He might've.

Those times when I ran away from Midland,

I was gonna go to Chicago.

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