Cheaper by the Dozen Page #7

- Yeah.

Fourteen seconds. By jingo, I knew

you could do it. It's a new world's record.

- What is it?

- Yeah, what'd you call us for?

I want you to meet

a very important lady.

Now, come with me, children.

Watch your manners.

Children,

this is Mrs. Mebane.

How do you do? How do you do? Hello. Hello.

- I... don't quite understand. Is this a school?

- No, it isn't a school.

Then it's... No. Oh, no.

Yes, they are.

- They are what, madam?

- They're yours. Don't try to deny it.

I shouldn't think of denying it, madam.

Let me introduce the family, at least most of it.

- Seems to me there should be

some more of them around here.

- Heaven help us.

Lillie, how many head of children

have we now, would you say offhand?

Well, the last time I counted them, dear,

there seemed to be an even dozen.

- A dozen?

- I may have missed one or two, but not many.

I'd say twelve

was a pretty fair guess.

- Disgusting. And within 18 miles

of national headquarters too.

- Tsk, tsk, tsk.

- Shall we have some tea?

- Certainly not. Good day.

- Good day, madam.

- Good day.

It looks to me as though

somebody's been pulling my leg!

- How revolting.

- And within 18 miles

of national headquarters too.

Our summers, we spent at Nantucket...

in a cottage

and two abandoned lighthouses.

Dad had named it "The Shoe"

in honor of Mother...

who, he said, reminded him

of the old woman who lived in one.

Come on, slowpokes.

Last one in is Kaiser Bill.

There you go, young lady.

You boys look out after her.

Come along, Anne, Ernestine.

There's nothing you can do about it.

You know how your father feels

about the primitive life.

- Now, be good, children.

- We will.

You'd think Dad

invented this ocean.

Andy.

Look. Is that Tom Black?

It certainly looks like him.

It is.

He's the lifeguard.

Oh, I can't imagine

what he's doing here.

Well, he has to keep in condition

for swimming somewhere, doesn't he?

Oh, yes. But here...

in Nantucket.

Leave your towels here, children.

Air.

- Wonderful air. Ho-ho.

- Oh, now, Frank, please don't overdo it.

- You know what Dr. Burton said.

- That quack? He can't scare me.

My heart's as good

as his any day. Better.

But this water's always cold.

It's a shock.

A good dip in the ocean never hurt anybody.

Hurry up. Get your robe off.

- Let's go, kids.

- Come on, girls.

- The sooner we get this over with, the better.

- You go on ahead, Mother.

- We'll be in in just a few minutes.

- All right. But don't be long.

We won't.

- Why don't we stroll by and speak to him?

- Why should we?

Well, after all, we see him

at school, don't we?

Yes. We see him,

but he doesn't even know I... we exist.

Flaming youth. Heh. Look at them!

Fine spectacle:

Bobbed hair, rolled stockings,

painted knees.

I don't know what's

coming over girls today.

Don't they know what's going to happen

to them if they go around looking likeJezebels?

- Frank, that word's "Eskimo."

- "Jezebels" I said, and "Jezebels" I mean.

But that's the way

everybody dresses today.

Everybody but Ernestine and me.

Why, we're... we're freaks.

Freaks or not,

you're not going around with bare knees...

for all the boys to ogle...

not while I'm alive.

- Boys don't ogle

when everybody dresses that way.

- Don't tell me what boys ogle.

I was young once myself. And I'd hate to tell

you what would have happened in my day...

if girls had dressed like

some of these girls do today.

- What?

- Never you mind what.

But, Mother, what's wrong

with the way girls dress today?

- Is it a crime to try to look

as attractive as you can?

- That isn't the point, dear.

Men... that is, nice men... don't want to marry

girls who make themselves cheap.

They may run around with them

before they're married...

but when they settle down,

they want someone they can respect.

Well, they certainly respect me.

I'm the most

respected girl I know.

- Why, they respect me so much,

they won't even look at me.

- Me either.

- That's too bad.

- Honestly, Dad, how do you expect us

to ever be popular?

Popular! Popular!

That's all I hear.

That's the magic word, isn't it?

That's what's the matter

with this generation.

Nobody thinks about

being smart or clever.

Huh. No, sir.

They just want to be pop-ular!

- Huh.

- But, Dad, if you'd only be reasonable.

For the last time, no.

I'll not have any fancy women in my family.

If other people want to go to the devil,

that's their business.

But you're not going with them.

Is that clear?

It oughta be.

We've heard it often enough.

Otherwise you'll find yourself right in that

convent... the one with the 12-foot wall.

Mother, what are we gonna do?

Go back and have your swim, dear.

I'll talk to your father.

- Oh, but, Mother, you...

- I know, dear. I understand.

- Now, you girls run along.

- I don't feel like going in, Mother.

- I'll help you with the table.

- All right, dear.

I want it back. You said I could have it.

- Give it to me!

- No, you don't.

Come on and catch me, if you want it.

- But it's my turn to play with that ball.

- If you want it, get it.

- Andy, button me, will you, please?

- "Button me."

That's all I hear

from morning till night.

It's, "Andy, button me up,"

or "Andy, unbutton me."

- Aw, you're not mad.

- No, but I'm fed up.

Honestly, won't you ever learn

to button yourself?

You're pretty

when you're mad.

Oh, you little dickens. Go on. Get outta here.

Look out, convent. Here I come.

And I mean the one with the 12-foot wall.

- What have you done now?

- Nothing. It's what I'm about to do.

And I want you to know

I'm not doing this just for myself.

I'm doing it for you and Martha and Mary

and Lillian and Jane...

'cause I know you'll never be emancipated

until I pave the way.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Anne, you're not.

I've got to, otherwise

we'll all go to our graves old maids...

still wearing cootie garages over our ears

and long drawers.

- Oh, but Dad'll murder you.

- You'll back me up, won't you?

Of course I will.

But who's gonna back Dad up?

Someone's got to

take a stand somewhere...

and I've made up my mind...

I'm going to.

- Oh, but, Anne...

- There!

Oh, no.

- What is it, Dad?

- Whatcha got?

Now, hold your horses. Keep your shirts on.

You remember I promised you children...

there'd be no formal studying this summer...

no language lessons or schoolbooks.

But I've discovered a way to teach you

the Morse code without studying.

- Oh, Dad, do we have to?

- Not if you don't want to.

But those who don't are gonna be sorry.

Yes, indeedy.

I've painted the code on the bathroom wall...

the one that faces you.

Now, you don't have to make a project

of studying it, but, uh...

you'll be surprised how much

you'll absorb each day when...

- Who's that?

- It's a telegram. I'll get it.

It's all right, Frank. It's probably for me.

I'll go. Hold that.

- Let me see it.

- I will. Just a minute.

- Does it work?

- Of course it works.

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