Chef Page #5

Um... could I actually...

Could I speak with the chef?

With Chef Casper?

I have a wonderful '09 that I

just opened to let breathe.

- Um...

- If I may?

The last time I was in

Napa, at the vineyard,

they shipped me this

bottle as a gift,

and I've just been waiting

for the right occasion.

That... that's very

generous of you.

Is Chef Casper here?

Unfortunately, he was called away.

Is he coming back?

I'm afraid that was left ambiguous.

I need you out front. They're three

deep in the bar. Get off the phone.

- Please let me do my job.

- Please go to the bar.

- Tony!

- Carl, I can't talk right now.

- We are in deep weeds.

- This guy's tweeting me.

This guy's calling me out online.

What the f*** are you serving?

I don't know. They're

serving the same sh*t.

- What's he eating?

- I think he's...

- What course is he on?

- He's...

He's eating the chocolate

lava cake right now.

You just keep him right

where the f*** he is.

- What?!

- I'm parking the car.

- Carl, what?

- Don't let him leave.

Keep the motherf***er there!

Is he here? Is the

f***er still here?

- Oh, f***.

- Let's go into the back of the house.

I just wanna say one thing. I just

wanna say one thing. Just one thing.

Let's go to the kitchen.

Stop it. Stop it for a second!

Let's just...

I've been waiting to talk to

this prick for a long time.

- OK.

- I am not cloying. I am not needy.

I don't care what you think.

You're not getting to me.

I'm not needy!

Chocolate lava cake is not just

undercooked chocolate cake.

That's not what makes

the centre molten.

You take a frozen cylinder of ganache

and you set it in the ramekin

so that as the outside cooks

fully, the inside becomes molten!

OK. OK.

It's f***ing molten, see?

Its f***ing molten, you a**hole!

And you don't do anything.

What do you do?

You sit and you eat and you

vomit those words back.

To make people laugh.

You know how hard I

work for this sh*t?

Do you know how hard

my whole staff works?

What sacrifices I make

to make you happy

and then you just smugly just

f***ing sh*t on my sh*t?

OK.

- It hurts!

- Yes.

It f***ing hurts when

you write that sh*t!

- It hurt you.

- It does. It does.

He was... He thought you were gonna

close his f***ing restaurant down!

You a**hole!

And what do you? You just

write sh*t to make...

You just make sh*t up!

It was molten!

It's f***ing molten!

A**hole!

- You're not getting to me.

- OK. OK.

- You're not getting to me!

- OK, Carl.

- He's not getting to me!

- No, he's not.

I know, but you're a publicist.

Don't you have relationships?

Isn't that what you're hired to do?

To take these things off the internet?

But it's out there.

Even if I could persuade one

site to pull down one clip,

there are a dozen others

from other cell phones.

What should we... should

we at least lawyer up

and threaten legal

action or something?

You threatening them with

lawyers builds on a story

that's already getting

a lot of play.

And then you get another

week of headlines.

And then you got this food critic

posting fresh blogs about you nonstop.

And they're all getting picked

up, and the picked-up headlines

are getting picked

up by each other.

You know, it's

absolutely unbelievable.

- So...

- I've never seen anything like...

Wait a second... you're saying

there's nothing I could do?

To get the footage down?

No, that lives forever.

Great. Awesome.

But there just might be

an opportunity here.

How can this possibly

be an opportunity?

Well, I was holding

off until we spoke,

but I'm fairly certain we have

a good shot at 'Hell's Kitchen'.

- Wait, what?

- The reality show.

I don't think you understand

what's going on here.

I'm a real chef with...

- You said you needed money, right?

- A job.

A job, not money.

I need a job, like I had.

Well, your Twitter account says

you've got 20,000 followers.

- That's pretty damn big.

- Yeah, I'm gonna cancel the account.

- Don't worry.

- Don't cancel it!

I can get you money to

mention a few products.

Are you listening? I don't wanna

get involved with any of that.

- I wanna cook food.

- You got two choices.

You can either lean into it

and work it for all it's worth...

Like Honey Boo Boo.

I don't want that.

You know how much she

pulls down? Or her mother?

I don't care what she makes.

Get to your point.

Or go underground and wait till the

storm passes. You got two choices.

I thought this sh*t

lives forever online.

It does, but there's so much

news out there and it's so fast

and there's so much white noise,

nobody remembers anything.

OK, thank you for taking the time

and walking me through everything.

It was very illuminating.

Oh, you're hanging up? OK, listen.

I want you to call any time.

I'm right here.

If you can't get me, I'm on a

cell phone and I've got a pager.

- OK. Thank you, and thank Inez for me.

- No, thank you.

- And what about 'Hell's Kitchen'?

- What about it?

- You still want me to pursue it, right?

- No, I don't want you to.

- OK, I won't call 'em, but I'll email.

- Are you not listening to...

I'm gonna go, OK?

I got a call coming in.

OK. Alright. I'll tell you

how 'Hell's Kitchen' goes.

F***ing idiot.

Oh, man.

- Hey, Inez.

- Hi.

- Did you talk to Jen?

- Yeah, I just got off with her.

- And?

- And, uh, you know, it's terrible.

What do you want me to

tell you? I just wanna cook.

Everything is going to work out.

Half-a-dozen places tried to poach

me when I was back at Gauloises.

I'm trying to line up some

interviews for next week.

That's good.

Yeah, so, listen, until this

whole job thing works out,

could you keep Percy for me?

But you're still taking him

with you to New Orleans, right?

Is he there?

I'll tell him.

Ah, let me... let me talk to him.

Put him on.

Hey, Dad. I understand if

we can't go to New Orleans.

Oh, man, thank you so

much for saying that.

Just Daddy's so busy with work

right now. You're the best.

Maybe some other time.

Yes, we will, for sure. Thank you.

'Bye.

Oh, jefecito.

What's up, man? Look,

everybody. Jefe's here.

Come on, give me some drinks.

Something premium.

Ketel One for the man.

Oh, dude. Oh, you're everywhere.

- You saw it?

- Ohh!

- It's bad. How bad is it?

- You saw it? You saw it?

- I saw it. It's everywhere.

- It's terrible.

- Is it bad?

- You're never gonna work again.

I am, though.

No, seriously, there are people...

there are people who are calling me.

- Dude. Oh, great. I'm glad to hear that.

- Yes. Yes.

I knew you would have

something bigger than this.

- You don't care about coming back here.

- Yeah.

So you came back to tell

me you got me a gig?

'Cause I'll leave Gauloises

like that, baby.

No. Trust me, the first phone call

as soon as something becomes real.

- Don't leave me behind again.

- I will not.

- Don't ever do that again.

- Don't hit me.

- This guy.

- Please don't hit me. I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

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