ChickLit Page #5

Bloody hell.

It does seem to be all the rage.

You know, I wasn't being

mean the other day.

Mean?

You know, when I talked

about your book.

I just think

you have one in you.

You know, something you

could be really proud of.

Do you mind if I just pass it

down inside your shirt?

- Won't take a moment.

- Don't mind at all.

Take all the time you need.

- All set, Mr. Paxman.

- Thank you, Darren.

Ready, Geoffrey?

Oh.

What the bloody hell is that?

Action.

I'm talking to Geoffrey Clarey,

co-owner of

an endangered species,

an independent bookshop.

This looks really good.

Darren, darren, we can hear you.

- Oh, yeah, sorry.

- Concentrate.

Tell me, Geoffrey, as a man who I

assume loves great literature,

what do you feel

about the proliferation

of what is termed "mummy porn"?

Well, we are indeed,

as you say, David,

endangered, so I have

to say I welcome it.

We sell a lot of these books.

But surely you can't

approve of the total lack

of literary merit

in the writing?

Well, it doesn't matter

if I approve or not.

I'm in business to sell books.

As long as they're

not actually breaking

any obscenity laws,

I will sell them.

Well, surely,

they are obscene, though.

We're pretty open-minded

in this part of the world.

Oh, of course.

Yes, although I would say...

- [phone rings]

- I'm so sorry, Geoffrey.

- Oh, I have to take this.

- Please.

Sorry.

- David rose.

- I have miss law for you.

Oh, silly me. Darren, 1

think you might need

to readjust my microphone.

[Miss law] Mr. rose, I

read your protege's effort

and I think it might

just be worth taking on.

Mind you, there's

something odd about it.

- Odd?

- Can't quite put my finger on it,

but I've given it

to Mr. Bonar to peruse.

Anyway, I'll have a chat

with some publishers

and we'll need

to sort out a contract

with this mysterious

author of yours.

If she wants you to act for her,

we'll need her to sign power

of attorney over to you.

I take it that won't

be a problem?

- No problem at all.

- Good.

I'll be in touch.

Sorry about that.

I'm sorry, Darren.

I think we can carry on.

Although, it might be nice

if Marcus could sort of flit

back and forth behind me.

Make the place look

a little busier.

Would you mind floating?

[Clears throat]

Ready?

What were your thoughts

on this book?

Well, it"s tripe, of course.

But tripe that'll

keep us in FOIE Gras

in the foreseeable

if I'm any judge.

It does have an odd

construction, don't you think?

Well, yes, it does.

It's almost as if

the heroine, or the victim,

depending on how you see it,

has a split personality.

Split four ways.

There's a sort of slightly

poetic element.

And then, of course,

some of it is...

Quite funny.

The fetish stuff

in the school gym

is not exactly as I remember pt.

And as for the straight sex,

well, it isn't, is it'?

- Straight, I mean.

- Don't ask me.

If I were to shackle

Mrs. Bonar

to the orthopedic bed, there very

soon wouldn't be a Mr. Bonar.

Anyway,

"Fortis Fortuna Adiuvat."

And we could be set

to make our fortune.

Let's celebrate.

I'll buy you lunch.

If you insist,

but "Ne quid Nimis."

Yes, I see.

No, no, Peggy, old girl,

I'm sorry, but we are

about to enter

a whole new world of excess.

I only hope that the old

ticker will stand it.

By the way, I've got

those books of yours.

I'm done with the research.

Keep them hid, darling.

In fact, I don't want them back.

I think I had enough

of this stuff now.

Just take them to the

charity shop, would you?

No, I won't. I have a

reputation to safeguard.

Oh, don't be such a prude.

The old dears at the shop

will be very excited.

Now that's a scary thought.

Do they make you excited?

What, the old dears?

No, no, I mean the books.

Do you get turned on?

What, do you get turned

on by online porn?

I never watch porn.

Well, then you're part of a

very exclusive male minority .

All right, were I to watch

porn, which I don't,

I probably would...

Get turned on, I mean.

But it's not as good

as the real thing.

Exactly. It's a case of well, I never,

Rather than

"well, I must."

I don't actually want you to tie

me to the bed and spank me,

but it's quite fun

to imagine it.

Would you like to see

the dessert menu, Mrs. rose?

Yes, yes, please.

Now see what you've made me do?

I know his mother.

Anyway, I don't want

the books back.

And I expect that goes

for a lot of other women.

- What do you mean?

- Well, it's probably a fad.

Tomorrow it'll be gardening magazines.

Next week, plumbing manuals.

But surely, there will always be

a market for this sort of thing.

- You sound like you care.

- Of course not.

But surely people will always

read romantic novels.

Oh, well, you go ahead.

Don't let me stop you

communing with your inner

Barbara Cartland

whenever you feel the need to.

Nick Clegg, my life in

politics," we'll take one.

You never know.

Oh, and we're gonna need

10 copies of the new

Lydia Lovemore.

That's it.

Thanks.

Speak soon.

What's wrong

with "conduct unbecoming"?

- Apart from the obvious?

- I don't know.

Maybe she shouldn't have

brought the sequel out

three months after

the first one.

Or maybe the bubble's bursting.

Damn it.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Fewer sales means less money.

That's never bothered you

before now.

Well, I told you.

I want the shop to survive.

Do you have a copy of

conduct unbecoming please?

Uh, yes, I've got one copy left.

All I'm saying is he don't have the

right to pretend these things.

He say his carrots are organic,

but who knows that he aren't

covering them with sh*t

- and calling them organic?

- Well, I see what you mean.

And, don't quote me on this,

but I tell you, he is a two...

- [phone rings]

- Excuse me.

David rose.

Mr. rose, I hope

you're sitting down

or at least somewhere where

you can faint at Liberty.

Not easy, but fire away.

[Miss law]

We have a deal.

For "love let her."

A major publisher,

not unconnected

with "flightless birds

who live in the antarctic,"

- is proposing an advance.

- That's terrific.

Not in the same league as

Lydia Lovebite, I'm afraid.

But I dare say half a million

will be acceptable.

After commission and tax,

that's about, oh, 300,000?

300,000?

I'll have to consult

with the author, of course,

but I'm pretty sure

that will be more than fine.

Well, you'll have to do more

than consult, I'm afraid.

With money like that, we'll need

her signature, and not yours.

The only stipulation that

the publishers have made

is that the author commit herself

to a full-scale press campaign.

I'm not sure that

she'd be able to...

You persuaded me to read

her horrid little book,

now you persuade her

to accept the terms

or it's a deal breaker,

I'm afraid.

Just remind the girl that any

publicity is good publicity.

Any publicity is good publicity.

That's what they say, isn't it?

Now, what are you going to say?

I haven't a f***ing clue.

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