ChickLit Page #7

We'll have to find

a name for her.

Why? Zoe is a young actress,

who happens to be

my sister-in-law and asked me

to negotiate for her.

It's easy.

We just collect the money.

That's what they said

at Lehman brothers.

Ready?

Chris has asked me to go

for a drink with him.

I'll see you back at the house.

Yes, of course.

Good night.

Do I see sparks...

Well, you wanted to ask me

for a drink, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

We can go to my pub.

If that's okay.

A pint's a pint.

But tonight, I feel

like breaking stride

and I bet

you're glad I did

because I think

you're beautiful

stone-cold beautiful

icebox beautiful

cool as a winter wave

cool as the rocks

in the drinks

that I'm gonna buy you...

It is quite something

you've taken on.

Are you sure you want

to go through with it?

I'm sure I want 500 quid a week.

I'm sure I'll be able

to pull it off,

and I'm sure it'll be a laugh.

I'm not sure you're sure.

No, I'm good with it.

I think. Just...

Have you read the book?

No, I'm some to read it tonight.

Give me a clue.

Is it really dirty?

Uh, yeah, pretty much so.

Go on, give me a teaser.

- What?

- Like, quote a line from it.

Oh, sh*t, no, I couldn't.

What? You're embarrassed?

No.

Well, a bit.

So, it's okay for you boys

to have loads of fun

writing your wet dreams but I'm

the one who has to mop them up?

I suppose so.

Because it's just all too dirty

and humiliating for you.

And for you.

That's what I meant when I asked

if you wanted to get involved.

Are you on duty

till closing time?

No.

Walk me home, then.

So tell me about yourself

what are you like?

What are you into?

What do you want

to do?

Want to get

out of here?

Want me to come

with you?

You're beautiful

stone-cold beautiful

icebox beautiful

cool as a winter wave

cool as the water that

I'll pour ya in the morning

it's just

gentlemen talk

ooh, ooh,

gentlemen talk

to a lady

gentlemen talk

ooh, ooh, gentlemen talk

to a lady

gentlemen talk

ooh, ooh

gentlemen talk

to a real woman

gentlemen talk

ooh, ooh, yeah...

Coffee and naughty biscuits.

And talking of naughty,

I loved your book so much.

That scene in the kitchen

with the food blender.

I'd always wondered what

the post function was for.

Yes, thank you, Matilda,

that will be all.

Bye.

I must say, miss fielder,

I had no idea about most

of what you portray.

The food blender,

is it...

All from personal experience?

Oh, I don't think

that's pertinent.

Miss fielder,

I have to warn you,

that publicizing this outre

little tale of yours

may involve similarly

impertinent questions.

Are you sure that you're

ready for this?

- Do I have an option?

- Not really.

For example, putting aside

the inevitable fascination

with the "tools of your trade,"

we've noticed stylistic

inconsistencies.

Yes, yes, it's as though

several writers

were involved in the narrative.

And each with their own

identifiable style.

Well, that's very

easy to explain.

Because this type of novel

is traditionally written

in the first person,

I wanted to see if I could

illustrate Th e various

contrasting

and yet complimentary

traits that make up

the rich complexity

of any human character.

And it seems I've succeeded.

Very impressive.

Indeed.

Let's do the paperwork

and get this show on the road.

Miss fielder, I'm not

convinced that varying

the narrative style, which

you have done in this book,

altogether works,

but it's certainly

a move away from the

norm for this genre.

Was this a conscious decision?

Four authors wrote this book.

Or, rather I had

four voices in my head.

Four different manifestations

of the same woman, if you like.

So you weren't trying

to redefine the form?

I was trying to redefine

my overdraft.

All right, that wraps things up.

Thank you very much, indeed,

for coming this evening

and asking so many

interesting questions.

Do stay, have a glass

of wine, buy a book,

and Zoe will be very happy

to sign your copy for you.

Thank you so much to Zoe

for coming along this evening.

Well, close shave.

- Is she pissed?

- Pissed off, I think.

It's a bit of a strain

doing these events.

Look, you've all seemed

to have got very chummy.

Chris, go and have

a word with her.

But surely you have to know

that would be the worst thing.

- He's right.

- Publicity tour finishes next week.

She's given us our share of the money.

Why don't we give her

another couple of months'

worth to keep her sweet?

- Money well spent, I'd say.

- Agreed.

Okay, well, thank you so much,

indeed, for coming, ladies.

I hope you enjoyed it.

There's another one

in a fortnight's time.

Clive Anderson' s written

a book about a talking badger.

We'll see you.

I know, I know,

I nearly blew it,

but, I tell you, it's getting

bloody difficult to keep this up.

I'm sure, and I think

you're doing amazingly.

Just hang in there.

People leave glasses anywhere.

You know what,

it's weirding me out

that the women that come

to these events...

And I mean it,

it's virtually all women...

And they see me as some sort of

voice for their own fantasies.

But isn't that why

these books are so popular?

Well, of course, but...

[Sighs]

I mean, the readers

are kind of bonding

with the author,

another woman.

I just feel bad

that they're being exploited

by four dirty old men.

Thanks.

Sorry.

Three men in macs

and an apprentice.

I'm sorry you feel like that.

In fact, I'm sorry

we started the whole thing.

- Little gift for you, Annie.

- Thank you.

I was in the area,

so I thought I'd see

if you were slaving

over your copy.

I've been snooping at the crab

and lobster festival.

- Fascinating. Smelly, but fascinating.

- That's nice.

Now this Zoe fielder girl,

your sister-in-law, I believe.

- She is.

- Good.

So you shouldn't have any

trouble getting her to do

an interview tomorrow.

Oh, I don't think our

little online effort

- will be suitable for her.

- It won't be online.

We're bringing forward the

launch of the broadcast channel.

A local celebrity interview

should kick things off perfectly.

She's not really local.

There's no connection.

- Where is she living?

- With us.

She's local, we need a celeb.

Nelsa's dead and Delia's

unavailable.

Get to it.

There's nothing

to worry about, David,

that is as long as

your questions

- are properly organized.

- I think they are, yes.

It's no different to what you've

been doing for the web, really.

Well, actually, it is.

You were using

a poxy little DSLR

and we've got three high-definition

broadcast cameras,

which will reveal

your every blemish.

96 channels of sound.

Don't let your earpiece

fall out, whatever you do.

And a million quid's worth

of lights, and of course,

it's going out live,

but, other than that...

Okay, we're seconds away.

Relax. Enjoy yourselves.

[Director] Going to camera

one in five, four, three.

Welcome to this very first

edition of arts...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes