ChickLit Page #8

- Chat.

- Chat.

I'm thrilled to be talking

to the newest voice

in romantic literature,

Zoe fielder.

Thanks for coming

on the show, Zoe.

It's my pleasure.

So what made you write

"love let her,"

which critics say

redefines the genre,

but is currently banned

by at least six

of east Anglia's

mobile libraries?

You mean, "what on earth

made you write it?"

No, no, I'm sure

you had your reasons,

but it is very steamy stuff.

Well, I wrote it because I. Have a

ravenous appetite for steamy stuff

that just wasn't being

satisfied by the current crop

of cloying crap on the shelves.

My one desire in life is desire.

I mean, right now

it's all I can do

to keep my feeble

womanly mind from imagining

greasing a pair

of antique bellows.

- Shut her up!

- Shut up.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Okay.

Okay, let's get these

out of the way quickly,

shall we?

Based on experience? Well,

wouldn't you like to know?

"Literary merit"?

None, probably.

"Is it important"?

Well, the trick question.

Feminism . well, do 1

believe in women's equality?

Of course, I bloody do.

"Do true feminists like sex"?

Some do, some don't.

As long as those that don't

don't slag off those that do,

it's not an issue.

And "will I be

writing a sequel"?

Well, I'm not sure.

What do you think?

Well, I suppose it's down to

whether we dislike this book.

Exactly.

But if they do,

I have plans to write

many, many more books.

Watch this space.

And now it's time for a break.

Thank you, Zoe fielder,

for your very frank answers

and good luck with the book.

- After the break...

- [Low mooing]

One man's view

of artistic beauty.

[Assistant]

Off air.

Not much I can do about that.

Just goes to show you

what happens when you have

an inexperienced presenter.

It was fine.

Just the sort of thing

to get people talking.

And here we are.

They're tweeting already.

"Go, Zoe, tell the guy."

"Yay! Girl with attitude.

Good for you."

"You're a disgrace

to the sisterhood."

Well, can't win 'em all.

I'm sorry, David. I don't

know what came over me.

Bullshit. You were just

flexing your muscles.

Maybe. Or maybe I was being

the type of feisty young woman

that TV audiences like.

You want them to believe I wrote

the damned book, don't you?

Of course, but I don't

want them to believe

there's a sodding

great library in the offering.

Come on, David. It's time for

your next insightful encounter.

Oh, bloody hell.

- This is Lilly.

- Come on, Lilly.

Personally, I liked

your performance.

Which, I suspect is what it was.

I was just trying to be honest.

Not always the best policy.

You need people on the side,

that's what these junkets

are all about.

Never burn Bridges

before they're built.

[Director] 30 seconds and

into the next interview.

Stand by in the studio and someone

please find a dustpan and brush.

[David] Oh, bloody hell.

Phil, try to clean this up.

[Chris]

Do you really have to go?

I have two more interviews

to do in London.

Which you may remember,

is where I live.

Then what?

And then back to the real world.

It's funny. I never thought I'd

think of acting as the real world.

- Will you come back?

- Will you come to London?

I've got a pub to run.

Thanks to you.

I could visit.

Then come and visit.

Look, I never asked,

but I assume

your contribution to the book

was the most hardcore stuff.

No, it was the least

hardcore stuff.

- The poetic bits?

- Yes, thank god.

You're really quite

prudish, aren't you?

I'm not prudish.

I...

- [man] You again? Piss off.

- Oh, for Christ's sake.

To my friend over there,

you just ruined the most

romantic moment of my life.

Well, here's to our

youngest, naughtiest

and most lucrative author.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

And you're going to be

an even wealthier young lady.

Congratulations.

What's happened?

The publishers want you

to sign for three more books.

We're still negotiating

the advance,

but it will be well

into seven figures.

The film rights

have been snapped up.

We're going for a tiny advance

but a socking great percentage.

And the screenplay

is already underway.

Director's been booked,

and they start casting

next week.

What do I do?

Sign the contract

and enjoy yourself.

[Laughs]

I need a little time.

It's a big ask.

Oh, it'll be fine.

If they rush release

the film and it's a success,

it'll put the price

of your publishing advance up.

Leave it to us.

You're in safe hands.

I can't believe this.

More about Zoe's book.

Casting is underway for the film of

the latest mummy porn phenomenon,

'love let her.'

fans of the book

are already arguing

over who should play

the crucial roles

of the ultra smooth headmaster and

the object of his lurid fantasies.

- I don't believe it.

- Mum, what's a "lurid fantasy"?

You're too young to understand.

And so are you, young lady.

I want to read

auntie Zoe's book.

- Where have you hidden it?

- Where you can't find it.

You can read it when you're

old enough to appreciate it,

by which time you'll probably

wonder what all the fuss was about.

I can't help wondering

that anyway.

Still, it won't hurt

Zoe's bank balance.

Will you just go!

We're late already.

Why does it always

have to be like this?

Quick, quick, quick,

quick, quick.

Bye, love.

Have a good day.

- Bye-bye, darling.

- Bye-bye, darling.

[Woman clears throat]

The dam that blocks my heart

is overflowing with emotion.

[Man] And my heart's

full to bursting.

What are we going to... do?

[Man]

You have to trust me.

Whatever I ask you to do,

it's for us.

What? Are you going

to ask me to do?

Oh, sauce. What are you

going to ask me to do?

[Man] Snow me how

much you want me.

I'm a little scared.

Not half as scared as we are.

Thank you.

That was really great.

- But I read it wrong.

- Easily done.

Shall we look

at the breakup scene?

Page 90.

[Clears throat]

My heart is not a bargaining

chip for your cheap lies.

I can't afford...

Sorry. This is where

we need to feel real empathy

with the character.

You know, see some passion.

Imagine you're on the catwalk

and all the buyers suddenly

turn their backs on you.

Oh, right, right. Okay.

My heart is not a bargaining

chip for your cheap lies.

- I can't...

- I can't afford to sell myself at the love market.

The price is already rock bottom

and I wont slash it any further.

Is that what our

passion is worth?

That's just it.

In my mind the price

has skyrocketed

and the revenue tripled.

Can't you see that?

Let's take a break, shall we?

Look, I'm really, really sorry,

but I'm an actress

and I have really strong ideas

about how the words

should be spoken.

My words.

Well, that's fine.

Give us five minutes?

Thank you.

She's raw as hell, but she

can certainly access it.

She may be an actress, but I'm

afraid she's not on my radar.

She's not a friggin' missile.

- You did ask me to find big names.

- I did.

And you have.

The point is

do we pay a lot of money

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