ChickLit Page #9

for the latest trendy actress

or a lot less for someone

who's in the unique position

of actually having written

the original book?

I don't think

that's happened before.

Emma Thompson...

"sense and sensibility."

I think you'll find Jane

Austen had her hand in that.

So, do we have a go?

Well, the marketing people

will wet their knickers.

Give me a couple

of days with her.

So, you see, it wasn't just

David, it was all four of them.

I see. Why are you

telling me this?

[Zoe on phone] Because it's

all just gone a bit nuts.

I mean, no one meant any harm,

I guess we did save the pub.

Oh, well, that's

impressive, then.

[Zoe on phone] Please don't

be angry with David...

Or me.

[Jen]

I'm not very angry.

And I guess David, at least, gets

to write his novel, in a way.

[Sighs]

I'm just out of my depth.

Me too, that's why

I had to call.

[Jen]

No you want all this?

You know it's a Faustian

pact, don't you?

Yes, I do.

And I think I can cope.

Jen, there's something else.

Isn't that your

sister-in-law there, David?

Looks like there's

no stopping her now.

I don't believe this.

How could she?

How could she what?

Degrade herself like this.

Well, presumably

she wants the job.

But she doesn't.

I'm going to London.

- Why?

- I don't know.

Well, "coup de Foudre."

- Yeah, thanks for that.

- What Justin means by that...

Yeah, I know what he means,

you smug gits.

In fact, I know what most of your

fancy literary allusions mean.

- I just let you enjoy patronizing me.

- Chris, we never-

it was a "coup de Foudre"

all those months ago.

Now I have to tell her.

You pretty thing

you pretty little thing

let me take you home

let me take you home

and I swear

that every morning

you'll wake up to the smell

of coffee and bacon

oh, you silly thing

you make me wanna laugh

you make me wanna sing

so I wrote this song

about where we are

where will we belong

and I want you, baby

I want you

so I'll scratch your back

and you scratch mine

I'll watch your back

when you walk the line

I got you, baby,

I got you

yeah, I'll scratch your back

and you scratch mine

I'll watch your back

when you walk the line

I got you, baby

I got you

I'll scratch your back

and you scratch mine

I'll watch your back

when you walk the line

I got you, baby

- I got you - I got

you, I got you, I got you

I'll scratch your back

and you scratch mine...

Oi!

Sorry.

Who the hell are you?

Trevor, call security, now!

Wait, wait, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, I know him.

- Just give me two minutes.

- You got two minutes

- and then you're out of here.

- [Woman] It's okay, everyone.

- So?

- You shouldn't be doing this.

And what the hell gives you

the right to make a judgment?

Nothing. Except what

I feel for you.

And what do you feel?

Doesn't matter now.

Look, I like you a lot,

but chances to star in a film

don't come along every day.

If you're talented, they do.

You don't need to...

You know, take your kit off,

- subject yourself...

- I'm not taking...

God, you don't know

anything, do you?

I mean, you wrote

the bloody book,

and now you're coming

over here all sanctimonious.

I kept my end of the bargain.

You keep yours.

Go back to your pub and let

me make something of my life.

But that's just it.

Do you really want

this kind of life?

Yes. I do.

I've got the taste

for money and fame

and I intend to get

very used to it.

- [Chris] It's all right, I'm going.

- Good.

- Don't try this again.

- [Chris] I won't.

Look son, she's acting.

That's all it is.

None of this is real.

No.

You're dead right, it's not.

Come on.

[Man] Quiet, please.

Check the shoot.

Anyone who isn't required,

leave the set now.

- [Woman] We did.

- [Man] Okay.

- Take.

- Mark it.

[Keys clicking]

[Whip cracks]

[Whip cracks]

[Whip cracks]

[Whip cracks]

God knows what your sir

Galahad encounter stirred up,

but she's now decided to sign

for another three books,

on terms rather

more favorable to her.

What's our share?

Five grand a book.

- Each?

- Between us.

- Good god.

- Sh*t.

Anyway, I wouldn't want it if

it were a hundred times that.

What we did was supposed

to be a bit of a laugh,

basically, to help Chris.

I just don't understand

what's happened to her.

It's obvious. She likes the high life.

And why shouldn't she?

We set her up for it.

Actually, I set her up.

We are so totally buggered.

If we don't write

the bloody thing

she'll be outing us to the press

quicker than you

can say "BDSM."

I still don't see why

we can't just own up,

get out of it.

Because I have spent

the last year

berating Jen

about her reading habits,

not to mention denouncing

in print and on screen

all things chick and mummy.

And despite 40 years

exemplary service,

the headmaster

will justifiably remove

my reputation,

pension, and testes.

Well, at least now that you're

retired, you can lie low.

I had lady Fermley-Cadwaller

asking me for my autograph today

on the basis

that I vaguely know Zoe.

Autograph...?

Autograph.

Gentlemen, I may have had

a brilliant idea.

Based on your previous

brilliant ideas,

I think that might loosely

count as an oxymoron.

Oh, well, strictly

speaking, of course,

it's not actually an oxymoron.

- I said, loosely.

- Cease and desist. Here's the plan.

- It's us.

- We only have a moment.

I left Jen in the boo... in the

boozer and she's fretting.

All you need to do is shove

one of these under Zoe's nose

as she swans down

the red carpet.

We just need one legible

signature from her

to attach to her

rescinded contract

- and our troubles are over.

- Or just beginning.

I'm sure it must be illegal.

She won't have the guts

to own up to being so dim.

What if she recognizes me?

That's why we have three tries.

- And if she won't sign it?

- She will.

They always do.

[Crowd yelling]

Zoe! Zoe!

Miss Zoe.

By the way, Chris,

I've been meaning to ask you,

what did Zoe write

in your autograph book?

"Men are

stupendously dim."

[Woman]

Never a truer word.

Jen, what the...

What are you doing here?

We've come to sign up

for the writers' group.

It sounds like you're doing

some jolly interesting

and thought-provoking stuff.

I wish you could see yourselves.

Like a bunch

of naughty schoolboys.

I'm not sure if I find

most insulting the fact

that you've been lying

to me all this time,

or that you think that

Geoffrey and I are so pathetic

we had to be excluded

from your silly game.

Well, we just didn't

want to upset you.

Oh, please.

- How did you find out?

- I've known for a while.

Zoe called me and she

was quite concerned.

So she bloody well should be.

Do you know what...

What the new deal was?

Yes, of course.

What you didn't know

is that she never signed it.

Why?

Maybe it was something you said.

Anyway, it's all academic now,

if one dare use that word

in this context.

Well, you're obviously

all so keen to indulge

your silly guilt you don't

know about the film.

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