Chillerama Page #7

about the whoIe thing,

and there was a gun.

What? A gun?

Look, l'll explain in a sec.

Come on, let's go

check him out.

[shouting]

[farting]

[shouting]

Cecil!

Oh, my God.

You kids,

get out of here!

What the hell, man?

Gun.

[growling]

[loud thump]

Dick, you're fired!

[gunshot]

[groaning]

Boss!

[loud thump]

What? You never saw Robocop?

What the cripes

was that, Mr. K?

l don't know.

He just attacked

me from behind.

Next thing l know,

he's trying to pull

my pants down.

l think

he was trying

to hide the baloney.

(Mayna)

What's that blue

stuff on him?

Wait, wait, wait. l saw

that on somebody's

shirt downstairs.

Wait! Did he bite you?

He's totally a zzombie.

No. He came close

but no cigar.

l'm fine.

And you?

Actually, l'm

kind of awesome,

all things considering.

(Mr. K.)

Well, let's check

the [indistinct]

Look out!

Tobe!

[loud thump]

[on screen audio problems]

Get him off me!

[growling]

[suspenseful music]

Tobe!

Sh*t! He's trying

to kiss me!

F*** you, Floyd.

[gunshot]

Wow. Wow. Wow.

[gunshot]

[groaning]

Wolfman has nards!

Nice shooting, Tex.

How'd you know that

was the sweet spot?

(Mayna)

Come on, l'm a girl.

l know where guy's

heads are.

(Tobe)

Thanks.

That's two

you owe me, Junior.

God, l love you.

l know.

Will you two

clam it 'till

the credits?

What l wanna know

is what the sweet scent

of Satan's scrotus

is going on here.

[cheerful music

and screaming]

[wet meat and creaming]

[shouting]

What?

[suspenseful music]

[growling]

l'll just lie here.

lt all should

blow over.

Ah, f*** that!

l could leave!

l got the car,

l got the keys!

Ah, what about the guys?

Wait.

Ah, Des! Sh*t!

[softly growling]

[cheerful music

over radio continues]

[grunting]

[baby crying]

[wet meat sound]

[music stops]

[baby gibberish]

Yes! Okay.

Come on, Ryan.

This is my movie.

l'm the final girl.

Come on!

[background screaming

and growIing]

Okay.

One.

Two.

[background screaming]

[suspenseful music]

Two and a half.

Three!

[grunting]

[suspenseful music,

intensifying]

[shouting]

Jesus, Miller.

Penis brat!

You gotta be

f***ing kidding!

[screaming]

Swearsies.

Now what?

We get back in the car

and get the f*** out.

[growling]

Plan A sucks.

Got any other ideas?

Follow me.

[suspenseful music continues]

F*** you, f***ing zzombies!

[shouting]

Okay.

l gotta think.

l gotta save the day.

What would, uh,

Simon Pegg do?

That's too

British.

Des, Des, we're gonna

get out of this.

We're gonna be oh--

[suspenseful music

and wet meat]

Des?

[gasping]

l want you, Ryan.

That is so awesome, but,

this is kind of a no time

for love Dr. Jones situation

here, so.

We'll be fine.

[moaning]

Come to me, Ryan.

But, but you're--

ln love?

No--

[moaning]

Be inside me forever, Ryan.

l , uh--

F*** it!

[wet meat sound]

[groaning]

[spooky music]

Phone's dead.

(Mr. K.)

Phones out here too,

smart bastards.

What the hell

is going on?

When there's no

more room left in hell,

"The dead

shall f*** the earth."

Or something like that,

it's like,

with the final reel.

Final reel.

What?

No. l cannot die

here tonight.

You're not

gonna die tonight.

Here.

Here you go, kid.

Six rounds wiII

give you some courage.

(Mayna)

What about you?

Don't worry about me.

Now you came

by car tonight, right?

Yeah, hopefully

Ryan stayed in the car.

He's got the keys.

Get back to your car,

lock yourselves in

and drive fast.

What do we tell him?

That this in an undead orgy?

Tell them whatever!

Tell them to bring

the cops, the army,

the goddamn hazzmat suits.

Bring them all!

Now, you have

Got it.

(Mayna)

Aren't you coming?

Yeah. Yeah. l'll--

l'll catch up with ya.

Scoot you two.

Good luck.

And may the schwartzz

be with ya.

You too, Mr. K.

What was it

you said, Orson?

Nobody who takes on

anything big and tough

can afford to be modest.

[background shouting

and growIing]

[triumphant music]

F*** modesty.

[suspenseful chord]

F***!

[soft growling]

Hey, there, big boy.

You Iike that?

ls this

what you want?

(Tobe)

Mayna, what the f***?

[distorted voice]

Happy ending.

[panting]

[gunshot]

[keys clinking]

Feel important.

Wait! Smoke screen.

[groaning]

(Mayna)

F*** me gently

with the chain saw.

[gunshot]

[grunting]

Let's go!

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God!

Where's the car?

Right there.

(Tobe)

Yeah. Right there.

[gunshots]

(Mayna)

Oh, sh*t.

[growling]

F***.

[gunshot]

(Tobe)

Watch out.

[Mayna]

Your mother sucks

c*cks in hell.

[gunshot]

[shouting]

Tobe! Oh, my gosh!

[gunshot]

[panting]

Oh, f***.

(Mayna)

Are you out?

(Tobe)

I've got one.

[suspenseful music

and waIIa]

l've got two.

Wait. No.

l've only

got one. F***.

Well, the best we could

do is use it on us.

Before we become zzombies.

l don't feel

like losing my virginity

with a goddamn zzombie.

Wait. You're a virgin?

Can we talk about this

later? Watch it.

[gunshot]

l waited for you.

[soft music]

Now put

the gun on my head

and pull the trigger.

The bullet should

take us both out.

What? ls that the best

idea you've got?

lt's the only thing

l can remember

from the movies

that makes any sense--

[gunshot]

[suspenseful music]

Get your undead d*cks

out of my drive-in!

[gunshot and shouting]

Old turkey!

(Mr. K.)

This way, jerk offs!

Follow me!

(Mr. K.)

Amscra you two.

Get to the chopper. Go.

(Mayna)

Where are the keys?

l don't know.

You have them.

What? No, l gave them to you.

l gave them to you!

Check your pockets.

l got 'em!

Behind you!

[gunshot]

ln. ln. ln. Get in!

Open the door!

Unlock it.

Get in.

[closing door]

"Hasta Ia vista, baby ."

"Frankly, my dear,

l don't give a damn".

"Nobody puts Baby

in a corner."

[gunshot]

"Yippie ki yay motherf***er."

[gunshot]

"What we have here

is a failure to communicate".

[gunshot]

[gunshots and shouting]

"Goonies never say die!"

[triumphant music continues]

"l'm getting too old

for this sh*t".

(Mr. K.)

This way, perverts!

Follow the Pied Piper

and his sweet a**hole!

[growIing]

Cinema is dead.

[thump]

[wet meat sound]

Oh!

"Say hello

to my little friend!"

[gunshot]

[indistinct]

a better contender!

"Rosebud, motherf***er"!

Oh, God.

l think that was

uncle Cecil's

curtain call.

Well, that's a way

to find out. Huh?

Keys to ignition. Go!

(Tobe)

Okay.

[engine cranks

but can't start]

No, no, no.

Come on. This isn't

supposed to happen.

We're supposed

to survive. F***.

This is it.

Wait! You still have the--

Fresh out.

[c*cks gun]

Damn it!

What do we do now?

(Mayna)

Well, we can

just sit here

and wait

for them to turn us

into human sex toys.

Okay. Already not

digging doing

number one.

Or,

We spend

the last night

of our lives together

and give these f***ers

one hell of a show.

l have to admit

that's one hell

of a plan.

Let's do it. Wait.

[soft music]

Funny. Did you

ever think

this would be the moment

you became a man?

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