CHiPs Page #5

So he makes fun of his partner's shirt.

Deflecting.

Okay, why are you counting

how many times I go to the bathroom?

- Hard to miss, man.

- It's really pervy, man.

- Oh, it's pervy?

- Yeah.

We're on and off these bikes

every half an hour,

so you can go in there and unload.

- Drop it.

- Admit it.

You have something going on intestinally

and you're too proud to stop

at a Walgreen's or a CVS to deal with it.

Is it a chronic thing, or did you eat

something dicey last night?

Just drop it!

Listen, okay... Don't pull away.

I'm worried about you.

Is there any blood?

F***ing blood. Unbelievable.

We're going to talk about this.

Dude, I will run in and get you

some Imodium if you're ashamed, okay?

Take the olive branch

and accept some help, okay?

Come on, Ponch!

Ponch, slow down.

You're not good enough to ride this fast.

I'd rather crash and die

than talk to you.

You clearly have a health issue,

like Crohn's or colitis.

I won't bring it up again.

Just, please, slow down.

I don't have colitis,

and there's other goddamn reasons

for going to the bathroom!

Yeah, but for 20 minutes?

Even a prostate thing would be like, uh...

Oh, my God!

Are you stroking yourself three times

a day in communal bathrooms?

Drop it! That's an order!

You're going to crash.

Code Four! We are a Code Four!

Kiddo. Mask up.

BRIAN:
Clear!

(SIREN WAILING)

He's got a gun!

F***!

God damn it! Where'd they come from?

Let's go, let's go!

(GRUNTS)

Look, I'm sorry you crashed, man.

I tried to warn you.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Okay.

Look, man, just, real quick,

I wasn't trying to embarrass you.

We all have sex issues.

I haven't slept with my wife in a year.

But when people have

oversexualized behavior like yours,

sometimes that's evidence

of past childhood trauma

and I just wanted you

to feel safe talking to me.

There's been no trauma, okay?

And my goal in life isn't to feel safe

talking to you.

What I do and how many times

I do it in the bathroom,

that's personal, okay?

That's my business.

That's not our business.

- I'll stay out of it.

- Okay, good.

But, if something did happen...

I just want you to hear me.

It's not your fault.

- Nothing happened, bro.

- It's not your fault.

Nothing happened.

- Are you positive?

- I'm positive.

If anything,

you should worry about your sh*t.

- My sh*t?

- Yeah.

Oh, what's my sh*t, Ponch?

Well, Jon,

if you haven't been

f***ing your wife in over a year,

then somebody else has.

It's not even a question of "if,"

it's a question of "who."

Who's been f***ing your wife?

DISPATCHER:
LA-15 to all units. 211.

Eastbound 101 on-ramp at Cahuenga.

Armed suspects fleeing on motorcycles.

Oh, oh, oh, come on, come on.

It's three exits over. Come on, let's go!

I'm sorry, come on!

Help me with the bike!

God damn it.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Jesus Christ!

JON:
All right, go around me.

You won't make it.

Bullshit! I can ride.

You crashed eight minutes ago

on flat pavement.

AVA:
Jon and Ponch, what's your 20?

I'm northbound, through Elysian Park.

Whoa, whoa... (GROANS)

Ponch is southbound.

(GRUNTS)

Change of plans. I'm going around.

JON:
This is 7-MARY-4,

we're heading towards some kind of fair.

MAN:
7-MARY-4, we're right behind you.

I'd just moved the stuffed animals

closer to the dunk tank,

but other than that,

everything looks spectacular.

What the f***?

Ah!

Ah! Ow!

Oh!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, God.

Freeze! Get on the ground!

RAY:
Cool it!

JON:
God damn it! Please!

BRIAN:
Go! Go! Go!

Call 911!

Who are they gonna call? Different cops?

They're heading south on Stadium Way.

CASTILLO:
I'm on Stadium Way.

Where are you guys?

Stop!

I said "Stop"!

Stop, motherfuckers!

Great job!

I'm not gonna empty

my weapon without cause.

If this was a public bathroom, you'd be

shootin' your weapon all over the place.

DISPATCHER:
EAGLE-6, the suspects are

on Stadium Way, approaching Riverside.

Come on, you piece of sh*t!

- What's happening?

- These bikes'll never catch those.

They're just walking away. Come on!

PARISH:
Those bikes must be going 150.

We're maxed at 130.

CASTILLO:
7-MARY-3 to EAGLE-6,

what is your status?

EAGLE-6!

Wake up! What is your status?

7-MARY-3, shut the f*** up.

PATRICIA:
I don't see 'em.

- You got 'em?

- Negative.

PATRICIA:
Sh*t, where'd they go?

Jon, you got eyes?

No.

(GRU NTS)

- JON:
Dude, do you see them?

- No.

Yeah, well done, EAGLE-6.

Yeah, fantastic.

- (MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

- (GASPS)

JON:
Ponch!

- (JON GRUNTING)

- CASTILLO:
Ah!

Holy sh*t!

That was f***ing close.

- (GRUNTS)

- Hey...

Dude, I just want...

(GRUNTS)

That's for kicking my knee.

F***ing hurt my feelings.

(GROANS)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

F***.

JON:
Hey, it's Jon. Leave me a message.

Hey, Jon. I said I'm sorry, man.

Stop declining my calls.

All right, call me back, bud.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
All right, y'all.

Gonna feel like

we living in Seattle tomorrow morning

as rains are expected

throughout the Southland.

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

- Mmm.

Mmm.

Ooh.

F***.

(GROANING)

Oh, f***.

Oh...

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

F***ing rain.

Sh*t.

Karen! Sweetheart!

- (MUSIC PLAYING VIA SPEAKERS)

- JON:
Karen!

Karen!

Karen, can you come in here

and bring me my pills?

Is that Jon?

Probably.

Karen, can you help me?

Should we help him?

This is how he gets attention.

So, no.

Give me that mustache.

Mmm.

Sh*t.

(CONTINUES GROANING)

(BONE CRACKLES)

(PANTING)

(GROANING) Oh... Oh, oh...

Oh. Mmm.

Mmm, okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Phone!

Okay, okay.

Okay.

RAY:
My guy at the Bureau

says there's a panel on him

and his name is Castillo,

not Poncherello.

- Oh, sh*t, Baker's calling me.

- Ignore it.

Yeah, dispatch.

Mmm.

Good morning. Uh, it's Officer Jon Baker,

and I was wondering if you could patch

me through to Ava Perez.

It's (STUTTERS) an emergency.

So, let me get this straight.

You thought it was inappropriate

to go on a motorcycle ride together

and now, I'm supposed to

come over to your bedroom,

help you from your bed into your bathtub

so you can pop some pills and loosen up?

Yes, ma'am.

(LAUGHS)

And I'm guessing you're undressed.

I am not dressed. That is correct.

(STUTTERS) What do you think?

10, 15 minutes, maybe?

I will not be right over.

All right, have a good one.

Ava?

(GROANING)

ROTH:
There was no record of an "LT"

working at All Steel,

but I did get a hit on that

property search for T J.

Turns out they filed

an eviction notice yesterday

for an apartment he cosigned on.

Oh, nice.

Text me the address.

Buddy.

Oh, my God, dude. I can't tell you

how much I appreciate this.

I thought I was gonna have to call 911

or something.

Don't worry about it. Do you need water?

What do you need?

I don't need any water,

but I gotta get into that bathtub soon.

If you could carry me over there.

Excuse me, what did you say?

I need to get into some warm water

or I'm gonna be stuck

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