CHiPs Page #6

on this floor all day.

So, carry me over there

and pop me in the tub.

Yeah, I can't do that.

What do you mean, you can't do that?

Physically, I can do that.

But I'm not gonna carry your naked ass

into the tub. You got a curtain on, bro.

Are you kidding me?

I saved your life yesterday.

Oh, my God!

I knew you were gonna bring that up!

Of course I brought it up!

I saved your life,

you won't even carry me!

I'll do anything else!

I'll clean this f***ing pigsty,

but I'm not gonna carry you.

You wouldn't be standing here!

You can't lift me and take me to the tub?

You know what? I'll drag you there, but

I'm not gonna cradle you like a newborn.

I'm not gonna do that.

- You're gonna drag me there?

- Yeah.

Once you drag me there, you have

to lift me up into the tub anyway.

- So just grab me and get it over with.

- Fine!

You're such a homophobe.

Stop calling me that!

- You won't even look at me!

- You'd have to be gay

for me to be homophobic towards you!

You're using it incorrectly

and irresponsibly.

Argh! Ow!

God, you're f***ing hurting me, man.

- Let's just get it over with!

- You're making it worse!

I'm not gonna argue semantics with you.

- Oh!

- Oh, my God, dude!

- Oh, no!

- Grab the curtain! Go!

I'm trying! I can't feel floor!

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

- (JON GROANING)

- Oh, God.

JON:
Oh, my God. Dude.

Oh, man.

CASTILLO:
I'm sorry, bro!

Did you break anything? You okay?

No, I don't think so.

Okay.

Oh, my gosh!

(GROANING)

- Hey, man.

- Yeah?

Did I feel you face-plant

into my pubic mound?

No! There was no contact whatsoever.

Are you sure? Because I could've sworn

I felt either your nose or your lips?

Nothing touched, bro. Nothing touched.

- (SPLASHING)

- Oh...

(JON MOANING)

There might have been

a little bit of contact.

(LAUGHTER)

I f***ing knew it! I felt it!

You face-planted my bag!

I think this is God's way of

getting back to me

for all the sh*t that I said

about your wife yesterday.

(STUTTERS) That was really shitty of me,

man. I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Yeah, but still, if someone would have

said that sh*t to me,

I wouldn't have risked my life to

save theirs 10 minutes later.

I mean, it's pretty unbelievable.

You know you're the second person

to save my life?

Yeah? Who was the first?

My ex-partner.

Agent Glade.

Agent Glade?

What do you mean, Agent Glade?

I'm FBI.

- You're FBI?

- Yup.

Are you working the armored car jobs?

Oh, I'm not working them.

We're working them.

Oh, you were right about that

helicopter pilot that jumped.

He had a second home.

There's no way he could afford it

on a cop's salary.

He had to have been dirty.

We gotta go check it out.

You get in this tub with me right now.

(LAUGHS)

I'm gonna wash you from

head to toe, Ponch-y.

- You need help?

- Huh?

- Help?

- No, I got it.

- You sure?

- Yup.

Oh, sh*t!

Okay. I'm good.

- Oh, God!

- Sorry.

- Come on!

- Okay.

They moved all this stuff in on a Sunday,

but I don't think they

actually ever slept here.

They? Another woman?

No, it was a man. His partner.

You know.

- Oh, yeah.

- Mmm-hmm. We dig.

Where's the workbench?

- Is there a garage?

- Yeah. I'll show you.

Five dollars says there's a workbench.

Five dollars.

Gun safe. Workbench.

Five dollars.

Was his boyfriend on the lease?

Uh, yeah.

Barton. David Barton.

Oh, sh*t!

Who's David Barton?

That was the guard that was being held at

gunpoint when TJ jumped, who's now MIA.

That's brutal.

His boyfriend was being

held hostage by chance?

Not by chance. No way.

I'm sure they were all working together.

So they must have f***ed over LT.

We need round two with TJ's wife.

See ya, buddy.

CASTILLO:
Jesus, dude,

you eat more pills than Elvis.

JON:
(GROANS) Mmm.

Hey, I know you were joking back there,

but I want you to know

I don't abuse my medication.

Oh, I wasn't joking.

How often do you sh*t?

- How often do I sh*t?

- Yeah.

The normal amount.

Like every two or three weeks.

- That's a problem.

- What?

That is a problem.

That's the first sign of opiate addiction.

Why would I wanna sh*t more often?

I mean,

shitting is a total waste of man's time.

But it's not. Shitting is so good.

It's man's last refuge.

I'm busy. Please, don't come back.

No, no, no, Miss Jackson.

We just want justice for TJ.

Don't you want that?

So, you were just trying

to keep TJ's pension?

Somebody knew about TJ and Barton,

and they were using that against him.

We'll need your help

to see who that could be.

PARISH:
I see you around this house again,

I will be in your ass

with a boot.

- Motherf***er!

- JOY:
What are you doing?

I told you to stay away from here!

- (SCREAMING)

- Ponch!

(GRUNTING)

- (SCREAMS)

- Ah!

(CAT MEOWING)

(GRUNTS)

JOY:
My cats! My babies!

Get out, now!

(SCREAMING)

- (GRUNTING)

- (GLASS SHATTERS)

- JOY:
Oh, God!

- (GROANS)

Not the vases! No, no, no!

You little sh*t!

Get over here, you punk b*tch!

(GRUNTS)

- CASTILLO:
Jon!

- JOY:
What are you doing?

No, no, no. Put it back!

(JOY SCREAMING)

He's out!

(PANTING)

JOY:
What the hell?

(VASE CLATTERING)

Oh, oh.

I am so sorry.

Uh, we had no choice.

Except maybe that last one.

That was a little excessive.

JON:
Do you have a vacuum?

CASTILLO:
All right.

We're on the same team, man.

Let's stop kicking each other's asses.

I'm not gonna let anyone f*** with

my dead partner's widow.

Who all knew about TJ and Barton?

Listen, man, I didn't know about that sh*t

until just now

and we were partners eight years.

The guy pointing the gun at Barton

damn well knew.

- Was he friends with an "LT"?

- Which one?

There was more than one?

There's more than one "LT"?

You mean "lieutenant,"

or someone actually named "LT"?

LT. Lieutenant.

It was right there the whole time.

CASTILLO:
Those are all the active

lieutenants at Central.

JON:
Okay.

Geek. Weirdo.

Woman. No. Woman. No.

Nerd.

Oh-oh! Of course! Ray Kurtz!

Look at this psycho. Come on.

- Not a good guy, right?

- Not a good guy.

Never sent a Mother's Day card,

f***ing hates koala bears.

- Boom! That's our guy.

- That's the guy!

I should go get us some new bikes.

Fast ones like theirs.

You're gonna get us new bikes?

Not me personally. I can't afford them,

but you got that fed money, right?

I do have that fed money.

BOTH:
(LAUGHING) Yeah.

(IN SPANISH)

- Come on!

- (MAN CHUCKLES)

Perfecto, perfecto.

- Look at those!

- Let's get out of here, man.

Huh? No, you gotta see the suits!

I got us suits.

- Suits?

- You're gonna love this.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(LAUGHTER)

- What were you guys saying?

- Huh?

What were you guys saying?

Uh, they just said they liked the bikes.

Oh, you guys built them, so, cool.

(LAUGHTER)

Are you guys talking sh*t on me?

- What are they saying?

- No...

I feel like, he was pointing at my dick

and I heard "pequeo. "I think is "tiny,"

right? Or small, or something?

Oh, no, he said that you look so buff

that you make the bikes look tiny.

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