Chris Tucker Live Page #10

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"Mr. President, you're a liar!"

Barack was like, "Who said that sh*t?

Who said that? Who said that?

Come down and slap the hell out of you,

who said that sh*t?

Don't talk to me like that,

I'm President of the United States. Sh*t.

I'm from South Side, Chicago.

I'll come down and whoop that ass.

Come on, not this term, not this term.

I put up with that last term,

not this year.

Not now.

Not no more, I swear.

You're talking to Barry here,

God damn it. Barry!"

Reporters are a trip, man.

These reporters be all over the place,

man, they be...

White reporters will go anywhere.

You never see no black reporters over in

these Lebanon and sh*t, we don't do that.

White reporters will be right over,

like Anderson Cooper,

all of them be over there.

[mimicking Anderson] "We're right here

and there's a bomb right behind me.

It just went off.

My ass is hot.

I don't know how the hell...

Oh, my Lord.

I don't know why I'm here."

We'll be on the TV, black people,

"What the hell are you

doing over there, Anderson?

Get your ass out from over there!

I don't wanna see your ass get blown up!

Turn the channel,

I don't wanna see this sh*t."

Black reporters,

we don't be going over there.

They be trying to get us over there,

we don't go over there.

That lady will be in the newsroom,

CNN, and be like,

"We're about to go to Tyrone.

We're going to Tyrone in Libya.

Tyrone?

What's going on over there in Libya?

Tyrone?

Where is he?

Where is he, he's not showing up here.

Where is he?

Oh, there he is.

Tyrone! Hi, Tyrone.

What's going on in Libya?"

"I don't know."

"Tyrone, where are you?"

"I'm downstairs in the newsroom."

"Tyrone, aren't you

supposed to be in Libya?

How come you're not there?"

"Same reason your ass ain't there, Kathy!"

"Tyrone, you're gonna get fired for this."

"I don't give a damn.

I quit! Sh*t!

At least I'm alive!"

[chuckles]

Barack's the man, man!

You know, they try to get him,

"Mr. President!"

He's too smart, he went to Harvard,

you know he went to Harvard.

You couldn't catch him in nothin'.

Barack never answer a question.

He always say, "Look."

That's all he say.

He won't answer the question.

He avoid all of 'em,

and he say, "And... and..."

He'll do some sh*t like this

with his thumb, I don't know.

I think this means, "I'm-a kick your ass

if you keep messing with me.

Keep saying some sh*t like that.

Keep saying it.

Kick your ass."

He never answers.

He always say, "Look."

If the reporter's like,

"Mr. President,

what's going on with the job situation

and the gas prices?"

"Well... well, see...

See, we... [stammers]

Well, look, we're looking into all that.

And we're gonna get to it.

We're gonna... we're gonna fix it."

And white reporters don't play that sh*t.

They be like, "Mr. President,

what's this 'look' sh*t?

Answer the goddamn question!"

"Well, you see,

you see what I'm talking about?

Y'all see this, right?

This is what I'm talking about.

We don't need this in this country

and look at this sh*t--

This press conference is over.

You don't talk to me like that.

This sh*t is over.

Look at that sh*t, it's over.

Get up on this thing,

let's go up in this plane,

I got some chicken up on this plane.

Let's get the hell out of here. Come on."

He gonna be doin' what he wanna do now,

he ain't gonna be hidin' nothin'.

Him and Michelle are gonna be fighting

in front of the White House lawn,

it's gonna get crazy.

[audience applauding]

"That's okay, if she wanna go, let her go.

Let her go, if she wanna go, let her go.

That's what she wanna do, let her go.

She can't take my helicopter, though.

Tell her take that station wagon

she came from Harvard with, take that.

Gonna act like that?

You know, I got all this stuff on my back.

Matter of fact, if you wanna go,

Michelle, take your mama.

Take your mama with you.

Take your mama.

Sick of that.

Don't wanna hear it no more.

Can't take my kids, though.

Sasha and Malia are staying with me.

Wanna smoke a cigarette,

I smoke when I want to.

Stressed out.

Take my helicopter...

I need my motorcades and my helicopter.

I'm the president, I got sh*t to do."

You know they be fussing sometime,

you know.

Barack be rushing her

a little bit too much,

rushing Michelle onto Air Force One,

"Come on, babe, let's go.

I got some chicken on the plane.

Let's get up here.

Let's go."

You know, Michelle come back,

"Don't be rushing me.

I don't work for you. Sh*t."

Barack come back, "Oh, baby, come on,

it ain't like that, baby. Come on.

Why you so mad, baby?

What you gonna do? Divorce me?

Take half the country?

Come on, baby, don't do that.

Take half the White House? Baby, come on,

it's not that serious, don't do that."

Michelle come back,

"Nobody want this broke-ass country."

[audience cheering and applauding]

[upbeat music playing]

Good night, Atlanta!

I love you, God bless y'all!

[audience cheering uproariously]

[announcer] Atlanta, Georgia,

give it up for your boy,

Mr. Chris Tucker!

Let him hear it, Atlanta.

I am a black Arab. Oh, sh*t!

[men laughing]

[inaudible]

-Thanks so much.

-Pleasure to meet you.

Thanks so much.

See you guys, man.

Here, here!

-Where's Jackie? Where's Jackie?

-He's in Hong Kong.

We are all sheikhs.

This is Sheikh Terry.

He's so rich, he don't

even know how rich he is.

That's how rich he is.

How many oil fields do you have?

-I don't know.

-[chuckles]

He's so rich, he don't like

to count his money.

This is Tony. He's so rich,

he doesn't even talk.

He doesn't talk, he's that rich.

He don't-- How rich are you?

I'm rich, too. I have to admit.

But not like these guys.

Okay, okay, I am.

I own these guys.

You see my Nikes. I love Americans.

Some stuff American, some stuff.

Abu Dhabi desert, baby!

[speaking imitation Arabic]

[singing in imitation Arabic]

That camel said, "God damn!

Who the hell is on my back?"

He said, "Who?

Who had those church shoes on, on my back?

Look at his shoes."

[men laughing]

Bond.

James Bond.

I'm Sheikh Tucker.

With my Nikes on.

Sheikh Tucker wears Nikes.

We're gettin' Arab money

Sheikh, Sheikh Tucker

-You ready?

-We're ready.

You ready?

-Okay!

-You don't talk!

-I'm ready.

-He's not supposed to talk!

He talked!

I can't believe he talked!

He must be excited. Let's go.

[men laughing]

Taking advantage of every moment.

Every minute.

Every hour.

Money is not everything.

Money do not bring you happiness.

It only brings you trouble.

Oh, sh*t! God damn, he's tall!

-Singapore! Singapore!

-Whoo-hoo!

[indistinct chatter]

[woman giggling]

Whoo-hoo!

[Chris in Australian accent]

Here in Australia! Down under!

Come with me again...

To the land down under

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