Chris Tucker Live Page #9

---

I'm like, "God damn,

there's a cheetah in here!

Look at that goddamn cheetah!"

My security guard was behind me, I said,

"Get in front of me, sh*t!

Supposed to be protecting me.

Anybody gonna get bit,

it's gonna be your ass."

I was scared.

The Africans weren't even scared.

They were over there, rubbing it,

[in African accent] "Oh, look at

the cheetah. Look at this cheetah.

What are you doing in this hotel?

What are you doing?

You don't belong in here."

Pettin' it and rubbing it,

"What are you doing here?

You must go outside."

He opened up his mouth,

"Look at his teeth. Look at his teeth.

Look at the designs in his mouth.

He kill a man one bite,

he kill a man one bite."

All of a sudden he slapped the cheetah

on the ass to get him out of there.

"Get out of here!" [exclaims]

I was like,

"What the hell is wrong with him?"

The cheetah went crazy, he was like...

[hisses]

[snarls]

[snarls]

I ran out of that hotel so fast,

I was like,

"Sh*t! That cheetah gonna kill us!"

And the cheetah was so fast,

it ran by me, I was like,

"Oh, sh*t, the cheetah!

Get my ass back in the hotel.

Close the doors of the hotel!

What the hell y'all got

the doors open for?

You know cheetahs

are coming in here and sh*t."

-"It only happen once a year."

-"That's enough! Sh*t!

Scared the hell out of me."

Africa is great.

I went on some great trips.

I went to Africa one time

with Bill Clinton.

That was fun, we went to, like,

three or four countries in Africa,

and Clinton was great, man.

We had so much fun.

We had so many places to go,

we started getting bored,

sometimes we just started playing games.

I started doing impressions

of Bill Clinton

and he started liking it.

He was like,

[mimics Bill] "Oh, sh*t.

That sounds just like me. That sounds--

Oh, that sounds good, that sounds great.

I like that."

He invited me to Africa, man.

He invited me, he said,

"Tucker, you wanna go to Africa with me?

I think you'll like it.

You're black, I'm black.

I think you'll like it.

Come on.

It'll be fun, come on."

So I started doing impressions, man.

Everywhere we went,

he wanted me to do him.

We're at little parties at night...

"Tucker, come, come do me.

Come do me. Come on over here."

Every country we went to.

Finally, I got tired,

we got to Nigeria

and he wanted me to do it

in front of the president of Nigeria.

I was scared. Sh*t, if I mess it up,

they'd put me in jail.

I just said, "No, not now."

And he said, "Tucker!

Come on, come do me. Come do me.

Don't act like that, come on."

I said, "Mr. President, I'm tired,

it's been a long trip.

-Maybe I won't do it this time."

-"Tucker, come on now, I need you.

I set it up now.

Come on, don't let me down.

You want a ride home, right, huh?

You wanna ride commercial or private?

You let me know, Tucker.

That's a long-ass flight home, Tucker,

that's a long flight."

[audience cheering]

Clinton got Barack elected!

Clinton came out there and said,

"I'm telling you right now,

I'm going to tell you the truth.

You ain't gonna like this,

I'm gonna tell you right now.

You won't be laughing after I say this."

And black people, we love Clinton

because Clinton knows how to

break it down, we'd just be listening,

"God damn!"

We'll be listening like

he ain't supposed to be telling us.

"Clinton, you ain't supposed

to be telling that sh*t.

We aren't supposed

to be hearing all this!"

"No, I'm going to tell you

'cause you need to know!

These Republicans are crazy as hell!

They tried to put me out of office. Sh*t!

And the economy was up!

They don't give a damn,

that's what I'm trying to tell you.

I'm not bullshitting you."

[audience cheering]

He said...

[giggles]

He said, "Now, listen, if you're black,

you should really hear this."

And black people were like,

"What? What is it?"

"The Republicans are trying

to bring back slavery,

I swear to God!

I'm not lying to you!"

He know how to rattle us.

"What?"

"Vote for Barack,

I bullshit you not. Do it.

I told ya, I'm going to

break it down today.

I'm not gonna lie to you."

He did good for Barack. Barack was like,

"God damn, that was good. Sh*t.

Bill, that was a good-ass speech.

I thought you was

running for president, God damn.

It was so good.

[chuckles]

You made it hard for me.

How the hell I'm-a follow that, Bill?"

[mimicking Bill]

"Well, do what you gotta do, bro.

I told you I was going to set you up.

And that's what you wanted,

that's what you asked.

You wanted four more years,

you called on your boy Billy.

I'm gonna do it for you.

[audience cheering and applauding]

I'm gonna hook you up.

I'll do it right here.

If I'm gonna do it,

I'm gonna do what I do.

I'm not gonna mess around with ya."

Barack was happy as hell.

He came out there, "Give me five, yeah.

That's my boy, that's my boy right here.

That's my dawg, that's my dawg, right."

But Barack knew he was gonna get

back in office when he got Bin Laden.

Remember when he got Bin Laden?

He knew it!

He came out there, man, he was ready!

He was in front of the White House lawn,

he was ready.

He said,

"No, no. I got this. I got this.

Uh, America, la-di-da-di,

we got Bin Laden.

Got his ass. We got him.

We got him yesterday

in Pakistan, 0400 hours,

I sent the SEAL team

over there to get him.

Matter of fact, I went with 'em.

And I saw him. I said, 'Look, there he is,

right there, look at him.

In the window, fixin' breakfast and sh*t,

like he ain't did nothing, look at him.'

I said, 'Give me the gun.

I'll get him, I'm the president.

Sh*t, I'll go get him.'

So I went in and busted in there,

I said, 'Bin Laden, la-di-da-di, b*tch!

[imitating machine gun]

Let's get the hell out of here, come on.

Let's get on the plane. I got some chicken

on this plane, come on, let's go.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Thought we forgot. Sh*t, no.'"

Barack couldn't believe

he won the first time,

remember he won the first time?

He was like,

"God damn, I won? Sh*t!

Oh, sh*t! I was just playing,

God damn. What?

What the hell? Sh*t.

I was just bullshitting."

-"Mr. President, come this way."

-"Who you talking to?"

-"You."

-"Oh, sh*t, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sh*t.

God damn, I gotta get this in my head.

God damn, I was--

I just wanted to find

something to do, God damn.

How am I gettin' around?"

"Air Force One is right over there, sir."

"God damn, I got a plane? Sh*t!

Baby, come look at this sh*t.

Michelle, we got a plane. God damn.

Look at this! Sasha, Malia,

go sit in captain's seat.

That's your daddy's plane.

Go on up there.

I got a goddamn plane

for wherever the hell we wanna go."

I love his walk.

Barack even got that little African walk.

African-American, African walk.

He'll be walkin' and drums be going off.

[beatboxing]

[vocalizing]

Barack ain't gonna put up with

reporters yelling out no more,

he ain't gonna put up with that.

He was doing the first year,

they would say,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes