Chris Tucker Live Page #8

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1952, doing the romp here, baby.

I ain't lost a step, look at that.

Your mama gonna get you, boy.

You crazy.

I heard you ate her breakfast.

I don't know what's wrong with you.

What is wrong with you?"

"How'd you hear about that?"

Man, mothers know everything.

It'd be scary sometimes in church.

You know the people that

run around in church scare everybody.

They just bust out screaming...

[screams]

"Hallelujah!

Thank you, Lord!"

Even the pastor be scared.

"Who the hell was that?

There's a demon in the church.

Go to my office and get my oil...

and a hot rag.

I'm gonna get that demon

right up out of this church.

We not gonna have this in this church.

That ain't one of my members.

I know all my members.

And ain't none of them that crazy."

Some preachers be a trip, don't they?

Some preachers be stingy.

You ever been to a church,

preacher's stingy?

Preacher have a pitcher of lemonade

up on his pulpit,

and two cups,

don't offer nobody nothing.

Talking about,

"Can I get an amen, church?"

"Hey, man, pass some of that lemonade!

You know it's hot in this church!

You know the water fountain don't work."

-"Who said that?"

-"Me, the brother in the fifth row!

Hot as hell in this church!"

"Who the hell in the fifth row?"

Church be hot! You don't care.

Church be so hot the flies leave.

"We going to a white church.

It's too hot in here.

Let's get the hell out of here, come on.

[buzzes] Sh*t, the window closed.

Somebody open the window!

Oh, sh*t, man.

We don't want to be no member no more!

Come on, man!

Let's get the hell out of here.

Let us go!

Y'all, niggazz."

[audience laughing]

[chuckling]

Preacher be moving too fast

through the Bible,

he don't care nothing about this.

He don't wait on nobody.

"Now, turn to John 45.

I'll wait for you."

You'll be looking for it.

"Hey, is John in the front of the Bible,

or the back of the Bible?

Hey, is John in the front of the Bible?

Something wrong with my Bible,

I think it's broken.

God bless you.

God is going to bless you.

You mean like that."

Soon as you get to John,

"Go to Luke 45."

"Pastor, slow down."

-"Who is that?"

-"Me, the brother in the fifth row!

Nobody don't know the Bible like you."

"Who the hell is in the fifth row?"

"I don't know, some brother."

Then the preacher keep you there

all night long.

Then got the nerve to say,

"I want you all to come back

for tonight's service.

It's gonna be a fine,

dandy time tonight."

I'm like, "Man, look outside,

it is tonight.

Look outside, it is tonight!

We done been here all damn day."

"Who the hell is in the fifth row?

Get him out of here!

Messing up my sermon."

Now I'm a father.

I'm a father now, I'm raising my son.

-[audience applauding]

-Thank you.

Kids are free, man.

Kids are the only people on Earth

that can come and stare you

in the face, look at you,

and then walk away, don't say nothing.

Kids do it all the time.

They just come up to you like this.

[audience laughing]

They make you feel uncomfortable.

"Hey, little kid!

What's wrong with me?

Come back here!

Stay free, little kid.

Stay free, man!"

Kids tell you the truth.

They'll tell you

if your breath stink, too.

They'll tell you.

Kids will tell you,

"Your breath stink."

-"What? What you talking about?"

-"Your breath stink."

"Don't talk to me like that."

"Don't talk to me like that.

Your breath stink."

"Your breath stink."

"No, your breath stink.

You just say that

'cause your breath stinky."

You don't know whether to be mad

or nice to them.

"Thank you.

Bad-ass kid."

'Cause grown-ups ain't gonna tell you

your breath stink.

They just walk around with y'all,

they'll tell everybody else.

"Man, you smell his breath?

God damn, he smell!

Whoo! Sh*t!

Did you smell his breath?

[laughs]

I gave him some gum,

the gum didn't want to go to him.

I was like, 'Damn.'

I mean, his breath be kicking it.

Can smell it over the phone.

I'm talkin' bout, his breath stinks."

I wanna take my son to Africa, though,

I wanna take him to Africa.

Any of y'all ever been to Africa?

Go to Africa. Especially if you're black,

go see your ancestors.

I went to Africa, they took me out there,

I went out there for a genealogy thing.

I went out there to see my ancestors.

They took me out there, I did this thing.

And they took me out there.

They took me way out in this village,

on this dirt road,

all the way out to this village.

They took me, and they showed me

and said, "These are your people."

I said, "Don't none of these people

look like me.

They done tricked my ass, got me

all the way out here in the desert."

I was about to leave, till one of them

reminded me of my Uncle John.

He was like African Uncle John.

He's like,

[in African accent] "Oh, my God,

it's so good you are here, Chris!

I am so glad you are here, man.

You don't know how much...

we pray for this day, man.

I don't know how the hell

we gonna pay for this village, Chris."

I said, "I don't know how the hell

you gonna pay for it neither, man.

Well, African Uncle John,

I already got an African Uncle John.

Now, I brought y'all some Coca-Colas

and some shoes

and I ain't giving y'all nothin' else.

Where's my Jeep?

Get me the hell out of this village!

Get me out of here!"

When you're a celebrity

and you go to Africa,

they do special stuff for you.

They have people

meet you at the airport.

They had a big band

meet at the airport for me.

They had drums, they had signs and stuff.

But I was tired

'cause it's a long way to Africa.

I got there, I thought

I was gonna get some sleep

before everything happened.

I got off the plane, I said,

"I'm gonna get some sleep."

And they was like, "There he is!"

Chris Tucker

[beatboxing] Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker

I'm like, "What the hell is going on?

This is so--

Mmm-mmm.

Hey, man. This is great, man,

but I am tired, man.

Could we do this a little later?"

[in African accent] "No, please.

That's disrespectful, please dance."

Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker

I said, "Man, this sh*t is disrespectful.

Man, I am tired.

I had a 16-hour flight, man,

come on now.

Can we do this later, man?

Take me to the hotel."

"We are walking to the village.

Please follow me."

"What?"

"My itinerary said the Radisson, man.

I ain't goin' to no damn village."

"Please, Mr. Tucker,

just follow us, it's not far.

It's only 200 kilometers..."

Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker

"Two hundred kilometers!

I don't know how far that is,

but that sound far as hell, man!

Where the Jeeps at?"

"It's not far, Mr. Tucker, don't worry.

If you get tired, get on my back."

Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker

"Sh*t, I'm tired now."

Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker

"Get my luggage! Get my luggage!"

Chris Tucker

[audience applauding]

Thank you!

Stuff happens in Africa, though,

you don't see nowhere else on Earth.

I saw a cheetah

walk through the hotel lobby.

I was the only one scared,

the Africans weren't even scared.

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