Chris Tucker Live Page #7

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I wanna know who the hell

working with this roach."

My friends are all, "God damn.

Your daddy crazy as hell.

We quit, man.

Y'all can have the money.

There's something wrong

with your family, man.

Y'all gotta work that sh*t out."

My mama wasn't like that.

My mama was different, my mama was strict.

Anybody got a strict mama?

My mama told you something,

she meant it.

One time, my mama told me...

I got lost in the mall.

My mama didn't even look for me.

She didn't even look for me.

I had to find a security guard

to help me look for my mama.

I was like, "Come on, man,

hurry up, before she leaves. Mama!

Mama, where you at?

Mama! I'm sorry!"

Man, I went everywhere in that mall

looking for my mama.

My mama wasn't even in the mall no more.

Found my mama

in the parking lot backing back.

I was like,

"There she go. Mama!

[sobbing] I'm sorry, Mama."

She's like, "Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

I thought you had a ride home.

The car is too full."

[mimics engine accelerating]

[mimics tires screeching]

"Mama, I'm only five years old!"

"But you think you grown.

I told you not to leave my side!"

[mimics engine accelerating

and tires screeching]

"Mama!"

I thought she was gonna come back,

she left me out there all night long,

I'll tell you something.

[sniffles]

Wouldn't nobody even kidnap me.

Kidnappers don't kidnap black kids.

We too much trouble.

We ask too many questions.

We'll be in the backseat asking questions,

we won't be quiet.

We'll be scared, but we

wanna know what's going on.

[breathing shallowly]

"Mr. Kidnapper?

Mr. Kidnapper?

Where we going?

Mr. Kidnapper?

When we gonna eat?"

[audience laughing]

"Mr. Kidnapper?

Mr. Kidnapper?

Can you put the radio

to a black radio station, please?"

[audience applauding and laughing]

"Maybe a little Babyface,

Earth, Wind & Fire or somethin'?

I'm getting a little scared, man."

Kidnapper just goes,

"Just get the hell out, boy!

Get the hell out of the car!

Drive me even more crazy, God damn!

Do you realize

your life is in danger, boy?

Get out!"

[sputtering]

"You kidnapped me, man!

You get more money

if you keep me alive. Sh*t."

Yeah, my mama, man, she didn't play, man.

My mama made us go to church.

Made us.

We hadn't even sinned yet,

we still had to go to church.

"All right, get up.

You are going to church!"

"Mama, can't the preacher

come here sometimes?

We always going to him.

He can preach on the kitchen table, Mama."

"Get up! You are going to church!

Make me sick.

Making me late."

She's always talkin' bout

we making her late.

And she ain't dressed, neither.

Walkin' around with her bra on.

"You are making me late!

I can't get dressed

fooling around with y'all!"

"You can't get dressed

'cause you ain't dressed, Mama.

You late, too.

We're just a late family."

"Making me sick!"

She'd be mad at us every Sunday.

She'd fix her some breakfast,

she wouldn't fix us nothin',

she'd be mad at us.

We'd be so late

she gotta eat it in the car.

She'd come to the car with her food.

And one time she brought it to the car

and gave it to me to hold,

but I didn't hear what she said,

and I thought she was giving it to me.

And I ate my mama's breakfast.

Man, I ain't never seen her

this mad before.

'Cause all I heard was, "Here."

I didn't hear, "Hold this."

I didn't hear that.

And she says,

"Get that door! Get the door!

You make me sick.

Every Sunday, we gotta go through this!

Here!

Hold that."

And I got it, I was like, "Huh?

I thought Mama was mad at us.

Well, she said, 'Here.'

Why'd Mama fix me coffee?"

My brother was in the backseat,

"Man, what the hell you doing?

That's Mama food."

"Shut up.

Can't stand to see me have nothing.

Just like Grandmamma said,

'Crabs in the bucket.

Don't even have to put a lid on the top.'

Mama fixed this for me!

Mad 'cause you ain't in the front seat.

Make me sick."

All of a sudden, my mama said,

"Hand me my plate."

"Shut up.

Mama, what'd you say?"

"Boy, I said, hand me my plate!"

"Mama, you mean the plate you gave me?"

"Boy, the plate I told you to hold!"

"Mama, you said, 'Here.'"

"Boy, I said, 'Here, hold my plate.'"

"Mama... [whimpers]

Mama...

Mama, you still love me, Mama?"

"Boy, what are you talking about?"

"You know how sometimes

I be doing stupid stuff, Mama?"

"Oh, I know you didn't sit up there

and eat my food!

You get out of this car

and you walk to church.

You hear me?

You get out and you walk to church!

You got enough energy, get out of here!"

[sputtering]

"Mama, I'm sorry!

I left you the biscuit, Mama!"

I had to walk

all the way to church, y'all.

I didn't care, I was full.

I got in the back of the church,

my brother was back there.

We were back there talking.

My brother was like, "You crazy."

I said, "You crazy.

Let Mama treat you like that."

My brother's like,

"You gonna go to hell."

I said, "You already living in hell."

We back there talking

and my mama friend see us

and say... "Uh-uh."

Sister Russell saw us back there

talking, she went, "Uh-uh.

Back there embarrassing Sister Tucker.

They ought to be ashamed of theirselves.

Somebody get Sister Tucker.

Touch Sister Tucker.

Mmm-mmm. Chris back there talking.

Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Hey!

Mary, look. Mary. Mary, look. Look, Mary."

[mouthing]

"He made it to church.

I thought somebody was gonna

kidnap him, you make me sick!

Back there talking! Chris!

Chris, shut up!

Shut up, boy! You hear me? Shut up!"

And I knew she couldn't get up and move,

'cause it was the middle

of the church, so I said,

"Mama. You shut up, Mama."

[audience gasps]

My mama...

"Boy, are you done lost your mind, Chris?

Now, I said shut up, boy."

"Mama, I said shut up, lady."

"You wait till after church,

you wait till after church, Chris."

"No, Mama, you wait

till after church, Mama.

You hear me?

You wait till after church, Mama!

Ain't gonna fix nobody no breakfast!"

"Boy, you done went crazy, boy!

-You, you wait--"

-"Mama, you wait, you wait."

My mama so mad at me,

they thought she was shouting.

She mad at me,

"Lord, I'm-a get him, Lord, I'm-a get him!

He ate my breakfast, Lord,

he ate my breakfast!"

[chuckles]

I love church, man.

I love going to church.

It's fun in church.

I like to see the people

shouting in church.

Especially the older ladies

shouting in church.

You know, the mothers?

'Cause the mothers,

they don't go to clubs no more,

so the only chance

they get to dance is in the church.

So they be getting down.

They be sharp, too.

They be having their suits on with the--

Shiny, with the pretty hats

and they get to shoutin'.

They be getting down,

they be like, oh...

I be like, "Get down, Sister Scott."

Sometimes I go out there with them,

"Go ahead, Sister Scott.

Go ahead, Sister Scott!

You still got it, Sister Scott!"

"I know I still got it, boy.

You gonna get in trouble, Chris.

Your mama looking at you, Chris.

Your mama right over there.

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