Chris Tucker Live Page #6

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[laughing]

"Daddy. Daddy, stop."

We were in the room, like,

"What's all that 'be strong' sh*t?

What happened to that, where did that go?

Hmm? Where'd that go?"

"Daddy hit me hard

'cause I'm older and sh*t."

"Yeah, right."

Yeah, man.

My daddy is somethin' else, man.

It's a trip though, being the youngest.

I'm the youngest of six kids.

You learn a lot

when you the youngest of six kids.

You learn what not to do.

'Cause I seen my brothers

and sisters get whoopin',

and I'd be like, "What'd you do?

Why Daddy whoop you like that?

God damn. Sh*t.

Daddy tore your ass up, what'd you do?"

"I didn't take out the garbage."

"All that was over garbage? Sh*t.

Damn.

Daddy's serious about the garbage, huh?

[exhaling sharply]

What day the garbage man come? What day?

Tuesday. Okay,

I'll remember that sh*t. Tuesday."

Being the youngest,

you don't get no college fund.

My brothers and sisters

messed that all up.

I asked my dad about college, he was like,

"Sh*t. You better find something to do.

Talk to your brothers and sisters.

They had your college fund.

They messed it up."

That was okay, though,

I didn't care, shoot.

I barely got out of high school.

I wasn't gonna start

that sh*t all over again.

I was barely... I barely got out.

My teacher kept me back.

I said, "What you keepin' me back for?

I don't wanna see you again

and you don't wanna see me again.

Let me go!

See what I can do.

Let me be all I could be!"

I used to get on teachers' nerves,

they used to hate me.

They used to get mad.

They'd say,

"Listen, Chris, if you act up again,

I'm gonna call your mama."

I said, "If you gonna call my mama,

you gonna have to pay the phone bill,

'cause the phone been

cut off for two weeks."

[audience laughing]

She'd be pissed off,

"Get out of my room!

You make me sick!

Go to the principal office!"

I'd go to the principal's office,

I didn't care

because I was in

the principal's office so much,

I was cool with the principal,

we were tight.

He'd be like, "What'd you do this time?

Get in here, get in here.

Get in here, close the door.

Sit down.

What'd you do this time?"

-"Call my mama, pay the phone bill."

-"Man, you crazy!

You're a fool, Chris.

You're a fool, boy.

You gonna make me suspend your ass.

I'm just playing. I'm just playing.

We ain't gonna suspend you.

Give me my peanuts."

I used to sell candy.

I had the principal hooked on peanuts.

He was hooked on salt.

He'd be mad if I don't show up.

"Where the hell you was yesterday? Sh*t.

Sh*t. You got me hooked me on this sh*t,

and you don't show up for school.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you, boy.

I can only do so much, Chris.

You know I'm playing.

Get out of here.

Don't be late, boy.

Don't be late again."

School was fun, man.

I found out--

I tried to play sports, you know,

every guy wanna play sports.

I ended up not playing it.

I wasn't that good.

I tried to play football,

I wasn't that good.

I broke both of my wrists

in practice and sh*t.

Ambulance came, they were like,

"God, how you do that sh*t?"

I said, "Man, just take me

to the doctor. God damn.

I don't know how I did it. Damn!

Take me to the hospital!

Stop asking all these damn questions!

Sh*t."

I used to play, man,

'cause I wanted that jersey for pep rally.

I wanted that jersey

'cause I wanted to run out there.

That's how you get the girls.

I used to run out there in the pep rally,

I used to run out there.

Jersey clean, I ain't played one game.

Coach never let me in a game.

I'm up there, I be in the bench

talking about the team

'cause we losing, "They sorry as hell.

We'd win if he'd put me

in the game. Sh*t."

One time, somebody got hurt.

Coach put me in the game.

I was like, "What the hell?"

He said,

-"Tucker, get up here!"

-"What the hell he want?"

"I want you to go in the game,

wide receiver. Somebody got hurt."

"Sh*t."

I didn't know none of their plays.

I was like, "Sh*t.

Coach, game almost over--"

-"Get in the game!"

-"What--"

I got out there, I ain't care, I said,

"Okay, sh*t, I'll go out there."

Quarterback say he's running with--

In the huddle,

he said we gonna run, run the ball.

They gonna run the ball.

I said, "He ain't gonna throw it to me,

so I'm gonna have some fun."

I was good, because I played

with my older brothers and sisters.

I could fake somebody out

in a minute, I was good.

Playing street ball. I could... Whoa!

I said, "I'm gonna fake them out.

I'm gonna get out there."

He hiked the ball,

and I faked it.

Ah! He fell down. I was like...

[whooshes]

I was out there, I said, "Oh, sh*t."

I saw my mama in the stands,

I said, "Hey, Mama.

I'm going pro.

I'll buy you a house, Mama."

I knew I was cool.

He was gonna run the ball.

All of a sudden,

quarterback threw the ball at me,

I was like, "What the f***

are you throwin' it at me for?

Oh, sh*t, that ain't the play,

God damn, man!

He knew I didn't go

to practice last week. Sh*t."

I was hoping something would happen,

like a bird would hit the ball

or somethin',

a little rain or somethin'.

Ball came, I dropped it,

I was like, "Sh*t."

My whole family was up cheering.

Everybody's like...

I dropped the ball, they was like,

"That ain't our brother.

Our brother's number ten.

We don't know who that was. We don't.

Come on, Mama, let's go.

Come on, he gave up on us,

we're gonna give up on him. Sh*t.

Embarrass the Tuckers like that.

Let's get out of here."

Oh.

We had fun in school.

My daddy one of the daddies,

he'd do stuff with us.

That's what he was cool about.

He did a lot of stuff with us.

But it was cool until he forget

we was his kids and sh*t.

One time, he called my sister a b*tch,

and we was like, "God damn, Daddy!"

We was playing cards

and she said he didn't put up.

He got mad as hell,

"She gonna tell me

what I God damn did, sh*t.

I put my money up."

-We was like, "Daddy!"

-"I don't give a damn sh*t.

I knew her when she couldn't talk or walk.

Don't tell me what I did, God damn it."

My sister was crying. I was like,

"It's gonna be all right."

[crying] She's like, "Uh-uh, uh-uh.

My daddy called me a b*tch. Uh-uh."

I said, "Stop it, stop it. It's okay.

He done called everybody something.

He called me a punk b*tch.

Let it go.

Now get your head up

and get back in the game."

My daddy funny, man.

One time he lost his mind

playing cards over at my sister's house.

Lost his mind.

He was losing a lot of money,

and lost his mind.

He thought my sister's roaches

was helping her cheat.

Boy, it got sh*t crazy.

'Cause he kept getting

bad hand after bad hand.

He just got frustrated.

He was dealing and--

We didn't know how much money he lost,

but he just got to hallucinating stuff.

He would be just shuffling his cards.

[mouthing]

"Sh*t."

He'd shuffle them again

like his hand gonna change.

[audience laughing]

"I knew there was

some sh*t going on in here.

How long that goddamn roach been on

that wall, looking at my goddamn hand?

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