Chris Tucker Live Page #5

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Wish you would do it.

Cube wanna do it.

Come on, man, do it.

It'd help you with your taxes.

Come on, man."

"Stay the hell out of my business.

Do your job.

Make me late for my flight."

I appreciate y'all lovin' the movie.

I ain't gonna do another one.

'Cause Cube didn't pay me

for the first one, sh*t.

[audience laughing]

He said he'd give me some CDs

and some weed. I said, "Hell, no."

[mimicking Ice Cube] Talkin' bout,

"You ain't even tried it yet, Chris.

You ain't even tried it yet."

Cube, I don't want no damn weed.

I want some money!

Cube'd be talking to you,

but it's like he rapping to you.

[rapping] You can do it

Put your back into it

"Is he rapping or talkin' to me?

Cube, what'd you say?"

[rapping] Don't stop

Get it, get it

"Man, would you stop rapping to me?"

He's doing movie lines.

"Either they don't know, they don't show,

or they don't care

what's going on in the hood."

I said,

"Cube, that's Boyz n the Hood, man!

Would you stop acting?"

My family tripped out when they

found out how much money I was making.

My family acted a fool.

They just act cray, all of them.

They found out

how much money I was making,

all of them just quit their jobs.

They just quit. I said, "What the f***?"

I said, "Wait a minute.

What y'all doin'?"

They were going around singing,

We rich, we rich

We ain't gotta do sh*t

We rich, we rich

We ain't gotta do sh*t

We rich, rich, rich

We rich, we rich, we rich

I said, "Y'all ain't rich. I'm rich.

You better get y'all jobs back

before it's too late. Sh*t.

What's wrong with y'all?"

It was crazy, man.

Everybody wanted something, man.

My brother was reminding me of stuff

he did for me when I was five years old.

He said, "Man, remember that time

you was walking across the street

and that car was comin'?

And I said, 'Hold up, wait a minute.'"

[audience laughing]

"You got to remember that, man.

Chris, you wouldn't

even be alive now, man.

Loan me the money

for the house, man. Damn."

I said, "I don't remember.

I'm too young, I was too young."

You can't ask nobody how they're doin'.

It always leads back to money.

I asked my Uncle John.

I said, "Uncle John, how you doing?

Good to see you."

"Oh, man, God damn!"

[audience laughing]

"God! Chris, man.

[groans] Chris...

Really bad.

Oh, Chris, Chris, Chris..."

You know somebody in some pain

when they say, "Oh..."

They're howling your name.

[moaning] "Oh, Chris, Chris

I'm so glad you said something, son.

The Lord must be speaking

to you today, Chris."

[audience laughing]

"Chris...

I don't know how the hell I'm gonna

pay all these damn bills, Chris."

I said, "Uncle John, I don't know how

the hell you're gonna pay them neither!

God damn!

I just asked you how you was doing, man!

Damn! Why everything

gotta lead back to money?"

On a trip, man.

My daddy tripped out.

My daddy tripping,

going to tell me his doctor said

he need a new car

'cause the old car messin' up his back.

I said, "Daddy!"

[audience laughing]

He gonna swear me down,

"Look at the prescription.

That's what the doctor said.

Look at the prescription.

Nobody trying to trick you. Sh*t.

That old car killin' me, son.

That's what the doctor said.

You want your daddy to die, boy?

Go on, look at the prescription.

See that, it need to be blue

and convertible.

It's good for my spirit, son.

That's what the doctor said.

I didn't make up nothing like that."

I said, "Daddy, no."

My daddy wanted a new car

because I bought my mama a new car.

'Cause you know,

when you make a little money,

first thing you do is

take care of your mama, right?

You take care of your mama.

[audience applauding]

In black families, that's what we do

with this new generation money,

take care of your mama.

But then my parents,

they separated when I was young,

which is cool 'cause

my daddy was always around.

They separated and then I bought

my mama a car, my daddy wanted one.

Well, I said, "Daddy,

I ain't going broke 'cause you and Mama

don't love each other no more.

I ain't buying no two cars,

I ain't doing it."

I said, "You better

get back with Mama. Sh*t."

I said, "Ride in the back seat.

Y'all ain't gotta talk. Sh*t.

So what's love got to do with it?"

My daddy left home,

he left home when I was younger and stuff.

He thought we was all sad,

but we was cool because it was like,

"Sh*t, it's too crowded

in the house anyway."

We were happy.

"He need his own place. Sh*t.

Always turning the TV and sh*t.

Nobody wanna watch no damn Dallas."

[chuckling]

He thought we were sad,

and he came back one day to talk to us,

we was like, "Oh, sh*t, I know

he ain't comin' back, is he?"

I said, "Daddy, you ain't

coming back, are you?

Don't be a quitter now."

[audience laughing]

"You don't want us to grow up

to be quitters, do you?

Besides, we done took your room.

Mama in our room now.

We got the big room."

"Go get your ass out in front of me."

I worked for my daddy, too.

Don't work for family.

You ever work for family?

Don't work for family.

You ever got a whoopin' at your job?

That's embarrassin' as hell.

My daddy would...

My daddy would whoop us anywhere.

"Get your ass in there.

Do what I told you to do."

I'm like, "Daddy, come on,

wait till we get home."

"You don't wait for me, God damn it.

-You'll do what the hell I tell you to."

-"Daddy, please!"

My daddy come home

and just whoop everybody in the house.

Be whoopin' my friends and sh*t.

"Get your ass up there.

Do what I told you to do."

"Mr. Tucker,

Mr. Tucker, I ain't your son!"

"Get your ass out of my house, then.

I told you not to come down here.

You need an ass-whoopin'

anyway, God damn it."

"I'm-a tell my daddy."

"I catch him in my house,

I'm-a whoop his ass, too!"

One time, my daddy whooped me

and my brother like slaves.

Like two slaves,

'cause he came home, he was mad.

He came home from the Atlanta dairy,

he was mad.

We didn't know he was mad.

We did something, broke something,

so we tried to tell on each other.

So we ran up to him,

-"Daddy, he did it."

-"No, he did it, Dad."

My daddy whooped both of us.

He said, "Both of y'all go downstairs,

take your clothes off,

and lay on the couch."

We was like, "What the f***?"

[audience laughing]

"What Daddy say?"

[breathing heavily]

"All I heard was lay down there

butt-naked or something, on the couch."

"Oh, sh*t.

We shouldn't have said nothing, man."

We were downstairs, man,

my daddy was--

Waiting, butt-naked on the couch.

Lookin' at each other,

"What the hell we do, man?

Why did we say something?"

[sobbing]

My brother tried to be strong,

"Be strong, boy.

You hear me, Chris?

Don't let him break you, Chris.

Don't let him break you."

[sobbing] "Okay, okay, okay, okay."

"Cry inside, Chris."

"Okay, okay."

He hit my brother first, he's like...

[popping]

My brother said,

"Ahhh! Daddy, I'm sorry, Daddy!"

I laughed so hard, I didn't even hurt

when he was whooping me.

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