Christmas Eve Page #3

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I didn't mean to freak you out.

Now, how long has it been

since we got stuck in here?

Ugh, two hours?

It's the only elevator

in the building, right?

Yeah.

So they gotta know that

we are still stuck in here!

I'm not an only child.

What?

I'm not an only child.

I'm the middle of five.

My dad was a janitor

but I did have all the

aspirations of the rich kids.

Debate club, early graduation,

and the whole bit.

But as soon as I got

accepted to Princeton

and Yale and Harvard,

I realized I just,

I really didn't want

to go to any of them.

It was, I don't know,

I was just completely burnt out.

So I stayed home

and went to a couple

community college classes.

I'm not even a paralegal.

Ahh, lies.

I just make copies and coffee.

Speaking of which,

I'm really hungry.

Do you have anything

in these bags?

I don't know.

I'll make you a deal.

Hello? Hello!

Harris and son, can you hold?

No, I can't.

Okay, sir, what's the problem?

What do you think

the problem is?

I'm stuck in this

damned elevator!

Yeah, I see that.

Uh, we're dealing with

a situation down here.

I'm gonna check it out

as soon as possible.

Really sorry about that.

You've just spoken

four complete sentences

without providing one drop

of pertinent information.

I already realize my

elevator has a situation

and you being sorry

in and of itself

is not pertinent.

Your checking out the

problem is not pertinent.

I doubt that you

are even pertinent!

But whoever you are, you

better get this elevator moving

in one minute or

I will find you,

fire you, and then make

sure that you are fired

from your next three

jobs after that.

Is that pertinent

enough for you?

Hello? Hello?

Over two hours.

What's going on?

It can't be that hard

to reset the system.

Don't let him get to you, doc.

The idea of a higher power

helps someone, then great.

Personally, I don't buy it.

You don't buy it

or you don't buy

that anyone should buy it?

I don't like to see

good people get hurt

putting faith in things

that aren't real.

Did you get hurt, doc?

It's just not real.

Are heart transplants real?

Of course they are.

Now, but they were only

imaginary a few decades ago.

So if we wait long enough

then anything can be...

ow!

Hello?

Yeah?

Okay.

I think we might have

killed the backup system.

If ever there was an argument

against intelligent design...

Ping.

Huh, "abandon hope,

all ye who enter here."

Okay, I'm gonna pretend

that I didn't see that.

Could you

please stop doing that?

Hey, we're stuck between

the 15th and 16th floors.

We're aware of that.

So the logical solution

is to lower us half a floor

by accessing the reserve cable.

There's no such

thing as a reserve cable,

but nice try.

Don't patronize me,

we all have the same problem,

one problem, increasing the

ratio of problem solvers

to said problem inevitably

improves our chances

of solving that

problem is less time.

Sir, we are working very hard...

possibility number one,

a secondary source of power

as evidenced by the

backup lights is available

and while probably insufficient

to simultaneously power

every elevator in the

building, might be fed

exclusively to one.

Seven and a half

billion people in the world

and you manage to piss

off the one man who could

possibly help us.

There are only 7.163

billion people in the world.

Point taken.

It was dark, it was misty,

it was no night to

be running out of gas

on a lonely country road.

The husband locked

his wife in the car

while he went for help.

But when he came

back, she was dead

and there was someone

he'd never seen before

in the car with her.

But the doors had

not been opened,

the windows had not

been rolled down.

- The car...

- it was a baby.

Why can't you take a

picture of an Indian woman

with hair curlers?

You need a

camera to take a picture,

not hair curlers.

Take an empty wine

bottle, drop a coin it

and put a cork in the

top of the bottle.

How can you get the coin

out without removing

the cork?

There's no such thing

as a question without

an answer.

You might not know it

now, but it's out there,

waiting to be found.

Wanting to be found.

It's almost always simple.

So simple, it's almost silly.

And when you find it,

well, there's no feeling

like it in the world.

My wife's gonna kill me.

My dad's gonna kill

me when he finds out

I was fired.

Laid off.

He's a big time developer.

All he cares about

is work and money.

He's building a skyscraper

with a five floor penthouse,

just for him.

You know, I've had to

lay off 238 people since I

started this job?

I have list at home of

everybody I've ever laid off.

I don't know why I keep it.

Probably helps you to

pretend you really care.

What are you a Saint?

It's like watching tornado

coverage on the news,

you know you should feel

bad but then you just

change the channel and

thank god it wasn't you.

You know what the execs

call you employees?

Care bears.

Know what they call you?

Snow white because

you're so bored

and disengaged that you

might as well be dead.

Snow white?

Yeah, Dave called you Sasquatch,

but he never made any sense.

Dave, you know Dave slept

on my couch one night?

Yeah, company Christmas

party two years ago.

Dave, designated driver Dave,

gets so sloshed, calls

a cab, climbs inside,

and can't remember

where he lives.

The hotel gives him my

address since I'm the guy

who paid for the party,

he shows up at my house,

he's got no idea he's

at the wrong place.

He waltzes in on my wife and me,

so we take him out and

put him on the couch.

Next morning we get up,

he's gone without a trace.

Blanket's folded

up, the whole bit,

like he was never there.

And he never said a word

about it and neither did I,

but every Christmas, there's

a plate of sugar cookies

arrives on our doorstep.

Little reindeer sugar cookies

and I know it's

Dave bringing them.

That's not Dave.

It's accounting.

They put eyedrops in them,

diarrhea.

That explains a lot.

Oh, I know, it's just the

worst thing ever, isn't it?

- Perfect.

- - Okay.

All right.

Wow.

Let's do it.

Sir?

Hello? Yes, I'm in here!

We're trying to get you down.

There's a power

outage a block away

and it looks like

it might be awhile.

Just open the damn door!

You're between floors, sir,

- even if we could...

- is there anything

you know how to do?

Sir, I'm trying my...

you're fired!

That's what you are!

Hello?

Hello? Come back here!

Hello? Hello?

Oh, sh*t!

Get me

out of here!

Like this.

Well, it's

not as big as my face.

You gotta push harder.

Ow! You little runt.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I almost started to pee.

Think of something else.

Think about cars.

What kind of car do

you think she drives?

What's she do, chief?

She's a harpist

in the orchestra.

So she's gotta

drive something big

enough to haul the harp around.

She's what? 35?

A young, poor musician,

it's gotta be used.

A 2001 Volvo wagon.

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