Cinderella: Once Upon A Time... In The West Page #4

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- ( grunts )

You'll catch on.

We already love you.

- ( birds squawking )

- First mate:
Amigos!

( all applauding )

Gracias, gracias.

Muchas gracias.

Duchess:

Vladimir? Vladimir?

( all laughing )

( rattling )

( gasps )

Oh!

Oh ho ho! Traveling under

these horrible conditions!

This had better be

worth it, gentlemen.

Uh...

the woman

with sickly, pale skin

wears big, beautifuI stones

that shine just like diamonds.

( Iaughs )

That's because they are diamonds.

You poor, ignorant miscreant

little clown.

( all laughing )

Dark Lopez will scalp your wig

and read the weather report

with your intestines.

( growls )

What's wrong with you people?

You're embarrassing me.

What do l need louts

like you for?

You're all savages.

( grunts )

Ah, my lady Duchess.

( laughs )

With whom

do l have the honor?

Capitn Barbazul.

But my friends call me jefe.

Oh ha ha!

You remind me of a distant cousin, sir--

- admiral of the lmperial Fleet.

- Ho ho ho! My dear Duchess,

we've barely met each other

and we're already exchanging

compIiments.

He was a drunk--

a disgrace to the family.

( all laughing )

You are ticklish

like a small bubble of champagne.

Allow me to accompany you

to your quarters. This way.

Why, yes, of course.

l was beginning to worry.

( rattling, squeaks )

Where is the other haIf

of my business, you idiot?

- Where is the prince?

- Mi capitn...

there was a little bit

of a complication.

A complication?

Ah.

Another blow from that damn Big Storm

and his irritating IittIe pest.

No, jefe.

They were there this time.

And as I toId you,

he's not called

Big Storm, jefe, but--

( gags )

he's called Little Cloud. Oh!

Duchess:

l'm waiting!

l am all yours, lady Duchess.

( laughs )

I want him,

you hear me?

lf not, you'll be eating sand

for the rest of eternity.

- ( grunts )

- ( moaning )

Oh, what a waste.

lt was a brand-new one.

Vladimir:

lt's simple.

You set me free, I don't marry anyone,

and you keep the ladies for yourselves.

Everyone wins.

Got it?

- Bob?

- Uh, not really.

Well, hmm...

What is that thing?

Uh, a violin.

- Huh?

- Uh, a musical instrument.

No?

Uh, a piece of wood.

Oh.

( plays lullaby )

( Bob smacking lips )

- ( music continues )

- l'm the one he wants.

- No.

- ( Melody snoring )

l'm the one.

l'm gonna have to remember

to get rid

of that stupid guitar.

Can't be putting up

with that every day.

Cinderella:
We can't just

leave him there like that.

Little Cloud:

Whoa.

A squaw in Iove

is more careless

than a bIind chick

on the edge of a canyon.

- lf you say l'm in love one more time--

- ( chuckIes )

It's beside the point.

l'd do this for anybody.

( lullaby continues )

lf you're thinking he'll remember you,

then you might as weII forget it.

l don't care if he remembers me.

l am what l am.

So you don't want

to get married after all?

( laughs )

He's just kidding.

We'd better get a move on.

We can't stay here.

You?

Oh, it's just you.

- Good to see you too.

- Sorry. l took you for someone else--

- a young Iady.

- You trying to say l'm not one?

No, what l'm trying

to say is...

there was a young woman.

And never mind.

Okay, enough with all

the papoose taIk.

Look, we must

leave this place quickly

if you want to find

old "Squaw Feathers."

- He means your mother.

- Mm-hmm.

( dog barking )

"This is the reason why,

by this certified document,

I hereby officiaIIy appoint Capitn

lgnatius Lopez Santamaria Barbazul"--

that's me--

"as sole inheritor of my lands,

properties and related structures..."

Humph.

( groaning, sighs )

- Eh!

- ( snake rattles )

"...complete fortune

and all related merchandise therein."

- ( groans )

- Uh-oh.

There, all it needs

is your signature now.

Oh, l see.

And afterward,

what, may l ask,

do you intend to do

with me?

Afterwards?

Uh, Duchess, afterwards...

l'm afraid once we're finished,

I must kiII you.

( gasps )

No, really?

Please understand,

it is rather difficult

to inherit from someone

who is stiII aIive.

The paperwork alone

would be overwhelming.

Oh oh oh!

You pretend to be tough,

but my intuition says otherwise.

I know--

let's play a few hands, shall we?

( grumbling )

Let my rattlers

take care of her, jefe.

- ( snakes rattle )

- She'll sign that before sunrise.

- Oh oh oh!

- Silencio!

- Duchess?

- ( moans )

Duchess, it's a priviIege to have

someone of your stature aboard.

l will agree to postpone

your signing

out of respect

for your royal person-ness.

Oh, you are too kind.

Tell me, sir, would you please ask

your manservant there

to fetch me a nice pot

of sarsaparilla?

( groans )

His manservant?

l am Dark Lopez the Bandit!

Son of Carbon XlV the Nefarious!

- l have--

- You heard what the lady said.

Go and find her

some sarsaparilla.

Go to Hades and back

if necessary.

( violin whines )

Helping a stranger

like you're doing with me--

it's so rare.

- lt's-- it's magical. Oh!

- ( ostrich moans )

I reaIIy don't want

to seem ungrateful, old man,

but couId you possibIy

give me back my violin?

- No.

- Okay. l see.

( violin whines )

Could you please play

a little more gently then?

- It's fragiIe.

- ( scraping )

- ( ostrich honks )

- Ahh!

( laughs )

F-sharp is always a little bit

awkward for me.

l'm happy to entertain,

but my heart's

not really into it.

No, my mother has been abducted

by dangerous, IawIess bandits,

and I myseIf bareIy escaped

the horror of a shotgun marriage

aII to be stuck out here

in the middle of nowhere

with a tone-deaf lndian

and a pigtailed cowgirl.

What?

Did he say "pigtailed cowgirl"?

Ah, sorry, I seem to have

forgotten myself. lt's the stress.

We pull him from Felicity's claws,

offer to save his mother,

and this is the thanks we get?

The sign of the scorpion

never touches the royal pony.

Or is it the sign of the horse?

l can never remember.

WeII, if he thinks he's so cIever,

he can go save his duchess by himself.

- Chicken!

- Chicken?

My ancestors were proud conquerors.

I Iaugh at the smeII of danger.

( laughs )

Without question, Cinderella,

your prince has cIass.

He's not my prince.

( Bobs snoring )

Uh...

Oh, my prince!

( grunting )

Where's my prince?

Make me forget that l should

smash you both like the bugs you are.

We'll find him, my darlings.

He's our son,

our sweet cream icing,

our hot cherry turnover.

Heads up, Ma!

- Should we go left or right?

- Straight ahead!

- ( grunts )

- ( girls scream )

Come on, gallop faster,

you overgrown imbeciles!

( laughing dumbly )

( violin whines )

- ( ostrich groans )

- ( grunts )

( grunts )

This animaI

is just unmanageable.

Sometimes the F-sharp

is a little bit awkward.

Need a hand, Prince?

Ah.

Uh, thank you, Cinderella.

LittIe CIoud,

could you please stop playing?

You're torturing my poor ostrich.

Can't you see that?

Oh, brother, here you go.

lt's a Stradivarius knockoff

made from really cheap wood,

if you ask me.

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