City Slickers Page #2

Daniel, would you introduce your father,

please, and tell us what he does?

My Dad's named Mitch and he's...

...he's a submarine commander.

Danny.

He works for WBLM radio.

Well, like Danny said,

I work for WBLM radio.

- Are you a disc jockey?

- No, I'm not a disc jockey.

You know the commercials

that are on the radio?

Do you make all those commercials?

No. Other people

make the commercials.

I sell them time on our station

for the commercials to be on.

So you decide which

commercials to use and when.

That's right. Well, no, it's

not right. It used to be right.

Seems now that I have to check with the

station manager if I wanna wipe my nose.

The minute he took away

my authority, I shoulda quit.

Mr Robbins?

What?

Value this time in your life, kids.

This is the time in your life

when you still have your choices.

It goes by so fast.

When you're a teenager, you think

you can do anything, and you do.

Your 20s are a blur. 30s, you raise

your family, you make a little money...

...and you think to yourself

"What happened to my 20s?"

40s, you grow a little pot belly, you grow

another chin. The music gets too loud.

An old girlfriend from high school

becomes a grandmother.

50s, you have a minor surgery. You'll

call it a "procedure", but it's a surgery.

60s, you'll have a major surgery.

The music is still loud...

...but you can't hear it anyway.

70s, you and the wife

retire to Fort Lauderdale.

You eat dinner at two in the afternoon...

...lunch around ten,

breakfast the night before.

You spend most of your time in malls

looking for the ultimate soft yoghurt...

...and muttering

"How come the kids don't call?"

The 80s, you'll have a major stroke. You

end up babbling to a Jamaican nurse...

...that your wife can't stand

but who you call "Momma".

Any questions?

Danny was embarrassed

to tell the class what my job is.

They're nine! They get excited about the

guy who gives them change at the arcade.

You just happen to have one

of those jobs that's difficult to...

Believe that a grown man

does without losing his mind.

Well, what is my job?

I sell advertising time on the radio.

Basically, I sell air.

At least my father was an upholsterer.

He made a sofa, coach you can sit on it.

Something tangible.

What can I point to?

Where's my work? It's air. I sell air.

So what are you saying?

You wanna quit?

How can I quit?

I'm trapped.

- You're trapped?

- Yeah. You want to send Holly...

...to a performing arts school.

- She's got talent.

Talent? She was in one play,

and she fell off the stage.

That's not talent, that's gravity.

And that school costs money.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Where are you going?

- I'm sleeping at Gwen's.

Again?

Are you paying rent there?

- Dad.

- We're having a birthday party.

- I don't wanna hang out with your friends.

- I told her it'd be all right.

We'll have a family party tomorrow.

- Bye, Dad. Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

Let me show you

how I pop my shoulder.

Danny. Dan.

Come on.

He's in the gifted programme at school.

Come on, go to sleep.

Kim, you poor thing. What has married

life done to you? You look like hell!

Six months. Admit it. You didn't

think Ed would ever get married.

He met the right woman.

- How often are you meeting that woman?

- You're lucky it's your birthday, pal.

Excuse me, I see one

of the guests is stealing.

Your husband is so cute.

You must laugh all day.

Yeah.

My sides hurt.

We saw a picture of you

in a newspaper in your underwear.

Oh, that was an advertisement.

I sometimes model ladies' underwear.

- You looked great.

- Mom...

...you said "Let's see how

she looks after having two kids."

Daniel, time to go to bed.

We'll wake you for your wedding.

Phil. Psst.

Hello.

You're pretending

to sleep at my birthday party.

Is she around?

She's in the kitchen.

This is quite a life

you've carved out for yourself, Phil.

Phil! Phil!

We're leaving.

We haven't had cake.

He hasn't even opened his presents yet.

Phil, you have to open the store

at 4.30. Daddy's counting on you.

15 more minutes?

Starting now.

4.30 in the morning?

You manage a supermarket,

that's when the food arrives.

Don't you have an assistant

or a kid or somethin'?

Arlene's father likes me to do it.

"No free rides, Philly boy.

No free rides."

I'm tellin' you, they got me by the balls.

She's got one, he's got the other.

Do you ever think about quitting?

Yeah, sure.

Right.

That's just what I wanna do.

Start over, with two kids to take care of.

No. At this age,

where you are, you are.

- Hey, look who's awake.

- Look, I have got 14 minutes...

...so can we give him the present?

- Yeah.

What'd you get me?

Two weeks. The three of us.

New Mexico. Driving cattle.

- What? Like in a truck?

- No, no! Cowboys.

- It's a real old-fashioned cattle drive.

- We drive the herd to Colorado.

- You can do this?

- We ride, we sleep out under the stars.

- Show him the brochure.

- It's fantastic, Mitch.

It's the newest thing.

People do this!

Wow.

Look at this.

- Real horses!

- Does look good.

"Good"? It's great. Cowboys -

it's what you always wanted to be.

- Remember Mitchy the Kid?

- Right! Mitchy the Kid!

And it's right when your vacation

comes. We've been planning it for weeks.

I can't do it.

- Why?

- We're going Florida to visit Barbara's parents.

- What, are you sick?

- No, it's planned already. I promised.

I worked every weekend for a year

to get this. What's with you these days?

Nothing.

You know, nothing.

It's just, I...

I don't wanna disappoint Barbara.

Who is that? I know nine people

and they're all here. Excuse me.

- Hi.

- Um, is Mr Phil Berquist here?

Can I get you something to...

Your housekeeper told me

where you were. I'm in trouble.

What are you doing here?

Who's on register nine?

- I don't know what to do.

- Rumaki?

- This isn't the time to talk about this.

- I'm late.

- What?

- I missed my period.

- What?

- I was at work and on my break...

...and I took a home

pregnancy test from aisle 11.

- The ones on special?

- Yes! And it came out blue.

Why is she telling you this... Phil?

Because I'm... I'm her boss...

...and we have a health plan.

Son of a b*tch! You screwed

this little girl in my father's store?

- No, no, no!

- It was in his car!

Oh, Jesus!

And I'm not a little girl.

I'm 20.

Get out of this house, you little whore.

Hey! I will not permit you

to talk to her that way.

Fine.

- I'll tell my father what you did.

- No! Do not call Mr Levine.

- Hey! Put down that phone. Put it down.

- No! No!

- That's my phone!

- You're crazy!

Not having sex for 12 years

will do that to a person!

Come on, just stop it.

Come on, not in front of your friends.

I'm not afraid of you!

- I'll call from the bedroom!

- The bedroom? How would you know where that is?

- I'm calling!

- Go ahead. I'm sure he's home.

It's his night to meet with

the other escaped Nazis.

- I hate you!

- I hate you more.

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