Clerks. Page #11

I deal with every backward-assed f***

on the planet.

I smell like shoe polish.

My ex-girlfriend is catatonic

after f***ing a dead guy,

and my present girlfriend

has sucked 36 d*cks.

- Thirty-seven.

- My life's in the shitter right now,

and if you don't mind,

I'd like to stew a bit.

- [ Man ] You open ?

- Yeah.

[ Randal ]

Aw, that's all bullshit, man.

- You know what

the real problem here is ?

- l was born ?

- You should sh*t or get off the pot.

- l should sh*t or get off the pot.

- Yeah, sh*t or get off the pot.

- What are you talking about ?

I'm talking about this thing you have,

this inability to improve

your station in life.

- F*** you !

- it's true, man.

You sit there and blame life

for dealin' you a cruddy hand,

never once accepting responsibility

for the way your situation is.

- What responsibility ?

- All right, if you hate this job

and the people...

and the fact that you have to come in

on your day off, why don't you quit ?

- Like it's that easy.

- it is. You just up and quit.

There's other jobs.

They pay better money.

You're bound to be qualified

for at least one of 'em.

So what's stoppin' you ?

- Leave me alone.

- Oh, you're comfortable, right ?

This is a life of convenience for you,

and any attempt to change it...

would shatter the pathetic microcosm

you've fashioned for yourself.

Oh ! Like your life's any better.

I'm satisfied with my situation for now.

You don't hear me complaining.

You, on the other hand,

have been bitching all day.

Thank you. Why don't you

go back to the video store ?

- it's the same thing with Veronica.

- Leave her out of this !

You date Veronica because it's

convenient and she's low maintenance.

But meanwhile,

all you ever do is talk about Caitlin.

You carry a torch for a girl

you dated in high school.

- in high school, for God's sakes.

You're 22.

- Leave me alone !

If you want Caitlin, then talk

to Veronica and be with Caitlin.

If you want Veronica,

then be with Veronica.

But don't pine for one

and f*** the other.

Man, if you weren't

such a f***ing coward--

If l wasn't such a f***ing coward.

It must be great to have this ability

to simplify things the way you do.

- Am l right or what ?

- You're wrong !

Things happened today. Things that

probably ruined my chances with Caitlin.

Oh, what, the dead guy ?

She'll get over f***in' a dead guy.

Sh*t, my mom's been f***in' a dead guy

for 30 years. l call him ""Dad.""

Caitlin and l can't be together.

It's impossible.

Melodrama comin' from you seems about

as natural as an oral bowel movement.

What do you want me to say ?

""Yes, some of the things

you're saying are true"" ?

That's the way things are.

They're not gonna change.

- Make 'em change.

- l can't, all right ?

Jesus, will you leave me alone ?

I can't make changes in my life

Like that. lf l could, l would.

But l don't have the ability

to risk the comfortable situations...

on the big money

and the fabulous prizes !

- Who are you kidding ? You can so.

- Jesus H. Christ ! l can't !

So you're gonna be miserable 'cause

you don't have the guts to face change ?

My mother told me once

that when l was three years old,

my potty lid was closed,

and instead of me lifting it,

I sh*t my pants.

Lovely story.

The point is,

I'm not the type of person...

who'll disrupt things

just so l can sh*t comfortably.

- [ Door Opening ]

- MUSIC Noise, noise, noise

Smokin' weed, smokin' weed MUSIC

MUSIC Doin' coke, drinkin' beers MUSIC

Pack o' ""rass,"" my good man.

Time to kick back, drink some beers

and smoke some weed !

Done poisoning the youth

for today, huh ?

Hell, yes, whatever that means.

Now it's time to head over to Atlantic,

drink some beers,

get ripped and, hopefully, get laid.

- [ Dante ] One seventy-nine.

- Pay the good man.

- Yeah, you close soon ?

- in half an hour.

Yeah, we get off

the same time every day.

- We should hang out. You get high ?

- l should start.

Wanna come to this party tonight ?

There's gonna be some p*ssy there.

With you ? l don't think so.

Oh, look at you.

""l don't hang out with drug dealers.""

- Nothing personal.

- What happened with that old guy ?

- He died in the bathroom.

- l heard he was jerkin' off

or something.

I don't know.

I wasn't watching.

He probably saw that Caitlin chick.

I know l felt like beatin' it

when l saw her.

Oh, come here, b*tch.

You like this ? Huh ?

- This what you want ?

- Knock it off. That used to be

my girlfriend, all right ?

Oh, you used to go out with her ?

Yeah, well, l thought

we might be starting again.

- Don't you already have a girlfriend ?

- [ Dante ] Yeah, Veronica.

- And what, you're gonna dump her

for that Caitlin chick ?

- Maybe.

I don't know, dude. That Caitlin chick's

nice, but l see that Veronica girl...

doin' sh*t for you all the time.

I saw her rubbin' your back,

f***in' comes and brings your food.

-Didn't l see her change your tire once?

-Hey, l jacked up the car.

All she did was unloosen the nuts

and put the tire on.

- Well, l know she does a lot for you.

- She's my girlfriend.

I had some girlfriends too, but all

they wanted from me was weed and sh*t.

Sh*t, my grandmother used to say,

""What's better ?

F***in' a good plate

with nothin' on it ?""

No, wait. l f***ed up. ""What's

a good plate with nothin' on it ?""

Meaning ?

I don't know. She was senile. She used

to f***in' piss herself all the time...

and sh*t herself.

Come on, Silent Bob. Let's get

the f*** outta this f***in' gyp joint...

with this f***in' f*ggot Dante.

You cock smoker.

You know, there's a million

fine-lookin' women in the world, dude,

but they don't all bring ya

Lasagna at work.

Most of 'em just cheat on ya.

[ Jay ]

Come on, limp dick !

[ Silent Bob ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's right.

I love her.

So that's it. He doesn't love you

anymore. He loves Caitlin.

And he told you all of this ?

Pretty much. All except

the latent homosexuality part.

That's just my theory.

Uh-- l don't know what to say.

Don't hold it against him. He just

never got Caitlin out of his system.

It's not your fault. it's Dante.

I-Look. l don't know

thing one about chicks.

So if you gotta cry or something,

I can get outta here.

- I'm not sad.

- You're not ?

Ow ! What'd you do that for ?

If you didn't wanna go out with me

anymore, why didn't you say so ?

Instead you pussyfoot around

and see that slut behind my back !

- What are you talking about ?

- You've been talking to her

on the phone for weeks !

- it was only a few times.

- Then you pull that sh*t this morning,

freaking out because

I've gone down a couple of guys.

- Oh, a couple ?

- I'm not the one trying

to patch things up with my ex,

sneaking around behind your back !

If you think 37 d*cks are a lot,

just wait and see, mister.

I'm going to put the hookers

in Times Square to shame

with all the guys l go down on now !

- Will you let me explain ?

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